They are all smiling

Sometimes my wedding still feels like a dream to me. So much went into it - emotionally, especially. Sure, there was the planning that started the moment we got engaged in February 2011. But as soon as I was diagnosed with breast cancer, the entire thing took on a whole new meaning. First, there was months of waiting and wondering. I had to get through surgeries first. Then reconstruction. Then more surgeries. After each surgery there was waiting to heal, and to see if I was going to be OK for the next thing. Would I be OK for our engagement parties, my bridal showers, my bachelorette weekend (which I just brushed on but never really fully got into.) And then, when it was decided I was going to be OK for the wedding I was worried that something would come up again. Another cancer. Another unexpected surgery. Waiting for the wedding and being excited about the wedding took such an emotional toll on me that it's hard to believe it's over. Not only that it's over, but that it was the most amazing day of my life. It was the best day of my life. That day was a dream, a fantasy. Breast cancer didn't matter that day. That was my hope. And it came true.
Besides the planning with Sean and our parents (florist, caterer, music, venue, placecards, programs, tasting, hotel bookings, welcome bags, brunch, rehearsal dinner, etc.) there was MY internal planning. Emotionally: I couldn't wait for the day to come. I couldn't wait to walk down the aisle. I was so excited. But so scared it wouldn't happen. There were days I told myself nothing in the world would stop our wedding from happening, and there were days I told myself that anything in the world could stop our wedding from happening.
I started putting together gift bags for my bridal party about a year before the wedding. I had the pink bags and pink tissue paper before we had set a date. I collected synthetic pink rose petals to put in the gift bags, that I gradually (over a year) filled with rose/floral and pearl-themed items, such as socks, picture frames, sunglasses, candles, luggage tags, bracelets, earrings, pink pashminas to wear to the wedding, a brooch and special jewelry box (and pink engraved flask) for my Maid of Honor. And then I made my own version of bridesmaid survival kits. Black sequined ones for my girls, and a white sequined one for me. I filled them with the essentials (Advil, Band-Aids, Q-tips, bobby and safety pins, mouthwash, lotion, etc.) but I also put my special touch on them and put in pink rhinestone tweezers, a pink rhinestone blush brush and "pearl" Softlips lip balm.
I found Bernadette in May and ordered her in July. I kept her a secret from mostly everyone. (that was hard.) I would look at the pictures of myself trying her on the day I went with my mothers, and I would cry because I was so happy. I couldn't wait to wear her on my wedding day. I couldn't wait to show her to Sean.
And then there were my shoes. I picked a plain low heel to match my dress, but did plenty of research on shoe clips because I knew I needed something extra. I decided on pink sequined hearts that I put on for the reception. They looked amazing. It was the perfect pop of pink to go with the wedding colors. But more than that, it was the perfect pop of ME.
And my garter. I decided almost instantly it would be fun to surprise Sean with a Penn State garter in his honor. Something he wouldn't be expecting at the wedding.
And my perfume. I started "researching" my wedding-day perfume as soon as we got engaged. I decided I wanted Chanel because it was classic and vintage, the look I was going for. But when I found out there was a long lost No. 22 I knew I had to have it. It's my favorite number and my birthdate. I found a few samples online. I had them nearly a year before the wedding. How they didn't evaporate is beyond me.
We decided on pink roses early on. Pink, black and white everything. And pearls where we could put them. And rose petals. My bouquet had all different shades of pink roses, mixed in with some white roses, and pearls scattered throughout the middle. The stems were tied with a white ribbon, with pearls down the side, and a pin my father gave my mother many years ago. I had that pin on my bouquet to honor my father, and feel his presence.
My bridesmaids carried white callalillies tied in pink ribbons to match their pashminas, and wrapped in pink ribbon with pearls down the side.
So much of it was trying to envision the day. How I would look, how I would feel - physically and emotionally. What the synagogue would look like. What the bridal party would look like. What the centerpieces would look like. What a room full of 263 of our family and friends would look like. I tried to picture it. Every day for a year and a month. I envisioned our first dance, the hora. Everything. I imagined it driving to and from work. Before bed. While reading wedding blogs and looking at people's wedding pictures. To some that may make me a crazy, wedding-obsessed bride-to-be. All the details. The early planning. And I have made fun of myself for that. (Did I mention the itineraries in pink folders, and a poem I wrote to my bridal party which I decorated with rhinestone stickers?!)
Sure, I am a planner. I can get crazy. I love to plan. I love to get crazy. Going all out is my personality. It's me. I wore a "Bride March 2012" T-shirt the day before the wedding, and a "Mrs. Miller" shirt the day after. I carried a tote bag that said "Bride" and wore my "Sexy Little Bride" tank top before putting on my wedding dress.
So you could say that's my personality. You could say that's me. Or you can think it's a little ridiculous to go into so much detail for every little thing. (Hard-to-find Chanel perfume comes to mind, or even rhinestone stickers.)
When I thought of those things I did, previously, think: Yes, this is me. This is my personality. And while that's true, I recently discovered I did all that for another reason. I was excited about my wedding. I couldn't wait for the best day of my life. I put my heart and soul into it. Maybe I didn't want the breast cancer to take away from it. Maybe the breast cancer pushed me into going all in. It doesn't matter. Either way, it all worked out perfectly, from the pashminas to the shoe clips to the centerpieces to the Penn State garter to my hair to my makeup to my dress (even with only one breast.) It could have been perfect because I had spent so much time planning and preparing - physically, mentally and emotionally. Or it could have been perfect because it was my wedding and it was meant to be perfect.
Now I look to the future as a married woman. We're going to plan our honeymoon, go to other weddings, run 5Ks, live life. And there's also more surgeries. Another mastectomy and tissue expanders, this time on both sides. As much as this surgery will feel like a setback, especially after all the progress I've made in physical therapy, I know in the long run it is a way for me to move on from breast cancer.
Because of my Li Fraumeni Syndrome diagnosis, if I don't have the other breast removed, I could be looking at (and most likely WILL) a LIFETIME of mammograms, MRIs, ultrasounds and biopsies. Every few months. Being anxious all the time about every little pain or lump or bump. Having the other mastectomy will help me move on. Unfortunately, with LFS there are MANY cancers I will have to worry about and be screened for (yay for colonoscopy next week), but at least my worry about breast cancer can be reduced. Not eliminated, but reduced. Once the mastectomy is over, and my implants are in again (following a long, painful haul with tissue expansion), I can hopefully leave this chapter behind. Without this surgery, it will always be on my mind. And it doesn't need to be. The decision wasn't tough for me. I wanted to get another mastectomy even before my LFS diagnosis.
As much as I dread starting over with pain and physical therapy and expansions and surgeries and recovery, I know at the end I will be able to step forward. Take that next stepping stone away from breast cancer. Four more days and I am a one-year survivor. And the wedding happened and it was phenomenal. It gives me hope for more things that I'm scared won't happen.
Good things DO happen. Amazing things DO happen. There IS light at the end of the tunnel.
I'll end this post with one piece of advice for any brides-to-be reading:
1. Smile constantly throughout your entire wedding. There will be millions of pictures taken of you. From all different angles. All night long.
I look at my pictures, and I am smiling in all of them. Smile all the way down the aisle. Smile all the way back up. Smile while dancing, while eating, while cutting the cake, while talking to your guests. I smiled the whole night. Because I was happy. I was at peace. I felt graceful, beautiful, elegant. I felt like I was floating that night, atop clouds of love and passion. In Bernadette, Swarovski crystals glistening. I glided through my wedding. In pearls and lace. Looking exactly the way I dreamed, as a little girl, of looking on my wedding day. And marrying the man who was meant for me. My Happily Ever After came true. And I can't wait to live it every day.
And as I look at new pictures being posted or sent to me every day, I notice the people in the backgrounds of the pictures (during our first dance or the cake cutting or during our ceremony), and they are all smiling, too. Every single one of them.