Reshuffling: part 2

Although everything I wrote in my “reshuffling: part 1” post rings true, I have been dealing with just that – reshuffling. Yes, I am happy and relieved my surgeries are finally, finally over. I am happy and relieved my body is back and I’m living my life again. I am happy and relieved my pain is slowly getting better each day. Blessed. Thankful. I am happy and relieved I truly believe I am done with the breast cancer. I am happy and relieved I have WON my battle. I am happy and relieved I am moving on.
But for so long that wasn’t the case. From April 2011 until now my life has been a whirlwind of the scary and devastating. The traumatic and the life-changing. I got engaged, then got diagnosed with breast cancer, then underwent SIX surgeries, and in between those I was diagnosed with Li Fraumeni Syndrome, and in between all that I fought every day to find my place in my own life. I was lost. I was a snail in a whirlpool. I was trudging through thorns. I couldn’t see the end. Because every time I saw the end there was something else. Another shoe dropped. There was another surgery. Another cancer scare. More life-changing news. All I wanted was to plan my wedding and get to my wedding and get married and move on. I wanted to be a normal bride and a normal woman and a normal 27-year-old. Every day from April 2011 until recently was a challenge. Just to live, to breathe, to move. So much happened in such a short period of time. If I wasn’t putting all of my energy and anxiety into my wedding planning, I was putting all of my energy and anxiety into preparing for my next surgery, or recovering from my next surgery, or beginning physical therapy all over again. Or starting all over again to lift my arms above my head, or making sure my scars were healing or making sure I wasn’t hurting myself or making sure I was stretching every night before bed or making sure my prosthetic was already in my bra the night before or making sure I had enough clean, comfortable sports bras or making sure I was OK during my saline expansions or making sure I had enough Ativan to help with my muscle spasms during those expansions. Or I was trying to find myself and my femininity after one breast was taken from me, and then the other. Or making sure my wedding dress would still fit with only one breast. Or wondering if I would get married or how much pain I would be on my wedding day, or how I was supposed to go to work or if I would get cancer again or if I would get cancer again before my wedding. IT WAS EXHAUSTING. If you’ve been reading Pink and Pearls from the beginning, you know all of this. You have followed along with every post. Every anxiety, every worry, every morning I couldn’t get out of bed, every day I doubted myself and my life and my health, every moment I wanted my life back, every minute I was SO SICK of having surgery and recovering from surgery and living in pain. You know it all. You were there. And I thank you for that. And I thank me for that, because without all of that I wouldn’t be as strong as I am today. And I wouldn’t have won. It was exhausting. But that worry and anxiety gave me a sense of control. It kept my grounded and it kept me fighting and it brought me to the end. It was exhausting and it was devastating and it was traumatic and it was heart-wrenching. But I wouldn’t take any of it back and I wouldn’t take any of it away. It brought me to the end.
And now. All of that is over. And I figured out yesterday after my session with Dr. Kelly that I am reshuffling. For so long I had 100,000 outlets to put my anger and my frustration and my worry and my anxiety and my CONTROL. From the breast cancer to my wedding to my surgeries to my Li Fraumeni Syndrome. I put all of my energy, everything I had, into those things. And while it’s amazing and I am blessed to not have most of those things anymore, I find myself a little confused. A little “floaty.” A little bit ungrounded. Like, I don’t know where to put all of ME. It’s funny that now that those outlets for control are for the most part gone, I feel less in control. And Dr. Kelly said this was normal, and this “stage” in my recovery is actually right on track. I’m recovering from my final surgery, and pretty much back to normal. The wedding and honeymoon are over. My breast cancer is gone and my six surgeries are complete and were a success. And the Li Fraumeni Syndrome, while always there (and will pose NEW problems and stresses when it comes time to talk about having kids), is under control. I’ve been going to the doctor and getting screenings and I feel like I am in control of my monitoring. Those things are over. And I don’t know what to do.
Not that it’s a bad thing. It’s actually just the opposite. My life is ACTUALLY getting back to normal and I’m actually not dealing every day with breast cancer. My body is not in knots, my life is not a balloon filled with marbles. I feel level. And that is scary.
And that is OK. I am reshuffling. It’s OK to reshuffle. I’ve got to find my ground again. And I’m OK with that. I’ve learned that each new life change presents another change, and within that, more challenges, most unforeseen. But if I know anything it’s that I can overcome a challenge.
So right now I’m reshuffling. I’m having trouble finding control and having trouble finding places to PUT my control and anxiety. But now that I know it’s OK what I’m going through, and it’s normal to “reshuffle” after everything I’ve been through the past year and a half, I can be patient. I can let myself find parts of myself again. I never thought I’d feel done. And now that I do, I’m not sure where to go.