It was sunny

I know it's been a few weeks since I've posted, but last night I had a really meaningful dream that has inspired me to write.

I'll start at the end of the dream because that's what I remember most. I was walking along a path. It was warm and sunny out, and windy. It was perfect weather, in my definition. I was walking among a group of people. I wasn't walking IN the group; there were people in front of me and people behind me and I was walking alone. When I started walking I had a scarf or bandana or something wrapped around my head because I didn't have hair. I remember being very much aware of both of the cancers I had: Leukemia and breast cancer, and those were the reasons I didn't have hair and was wearing the head covering. And then as I was walking, I either realized, or remembered, or it just became clear, that I DID have hair. It was short (just long enough to move out of my face) but I had it. So I took off my head covering, and my hair was blowing in the wind as I continued walking in the sun and the heat. I remember feeling, very clearly, the sun on my body and the wind through my hair. And I was walking forward, moving forward.

And that's what I remember.

To me, when I took that head covering off I was freeing myself of my past health issues and moving forward into the light and the heat, two of my favorite things and feelings. Light and heat.

That head covering, which I took off (and I guess tossed on the ground), was me saying I was done and I am moving forward.

To me, it means I truly believe my cancer fights are over and they are not coming back.

As I've been talking with Dr. Kelly these past few weeks I have come to learn about a bunch of different “coping mechanisms,” if you will, that I'm doing. I'm still very much in the reshuffling phase: me trying to find peace, yet control, in a life of calm, a life after the storm, a life AFTER the breast cancer and AFTER the wedding.

To (possibly subconsciously) regain “control” or a sense of control, as Dr. Kelly calls it, I have been adding new things to my life and doing new things and looking for new things. Nothing extreme like skydiving or risky behavior or anything out of the ordinary. But the things I thought I was doing to “maintain my health,” etc., (and which ARE healthy behaviors) are actually ways for me to have a sense of order in the absence of the previous order (breast cancer while planning my wedding while six surgeries while being diagnosed with LFS.)

So, I've taken up new “habits,” such as drinking warm water with lemon and cayenne pepper first thing in the morning. Or swearing off gum and instead chewing fennel seeds after a meal. Or yoga. (OK, that doesn't count because I LOVE yoga and have wanted to get back into it forever, and my mom finally made that happen with a gift card for my birthday to a local yoga studio!)

I've also been “looking” for “medications.” I'm back on Ambien, as per Dr. Kelly, but have been searching for new ways to medicate myself now that I no longer have Ativan, etc. So I found Valerian Root and am doing all sorts of research on herbal remedies and all this stuff.

So while all of these things may seem small and like no big deal (I have my reasons for the morning lemon cayenne pepper drink and the fennel seed; these health habits have decades of credibility), they may be me searching for something to feel a sense of order and sense of control.

Which is ironic. I've learned that the mind doesn't always make sense. Because I’ve said, probably a million times, I would do anything to live a NORMAL life (especially the past two years.) No, I didn't want to get breast cancer and deal with that while planning my wedding. I had all of that anxiety which created a sense of control. No, I didn’t WANT that anxiety and I didn’t WANT that sense of control, but I had it. And now that I don’t, it is only natural for me to look for it.

Dr. Kelly thinks all things will even out with time, and I won't be “looking” forever. But now I know there is no such thing as a “normal” life and I wouldn't take back, even for a split second, what I went through last year and this year, because it made me who I am today and it will continue to shape me as my life moves forward.

I thank G-d every day I am healthy enough to take yoga (my first class was 1.5 hours and I did it!), run 2-5 miles a week and lift weights. I can see my chiropractor again, and had my first hot stone massage with a girlfriend last week. AND I LAID ON MY STOMACH AND IT WAS FINE!

I am so lucky, so blessed, I am healthy and that my life is moving forward. In a few days I'll turn 28, which also marks one year since my LFS diagnosis.

I am healthy and I am happy and I am blessed that I have the chance, with no restrictions and no limitations, to continue to make myself healthy and happy. I can continue to heal and regain my strength. And maybe with that will come the sense of control I am so desperately searching for. Or maybe not. But today I am thankful I can do whatever it is I feel I need to do to find a sense of control, whether it's cayenne pepper or fennel seeds or exercise or whatever. G-d helped me get healthy again so I can build myself up again. And what better time than now?