We're the best team I know

This morning Sean came into my bathroom while I was getting ready for work. (Yes, I’m spoiled and I have my own bathroom, but that won’t be the case in the new house!). This is often the norm: he comes in to say goodbye as my mouth is full of mouthwash or something of the sort. Well, this morning he knocked on my bathroom door just as I had dotted concealer under my eyes. It wasn’t rubbed in yet, just nicely dotted across the under-eye, or whatever that area is called. My first thought was: he can’t see me like this! He doesn’t need to know my skin is not naturally creamy and free of dark circles! He doesn’t need to know I use makeup to enhance my facial features! And then I immediately decided such a thought was silly. Not only are we married, but he’s seen me in literally some of the worst situations of my life. Post-surgery and bloody and groggy and throwing up. Without a breast, without two breasts. Scars, stitches, steri-strips. He’s emptied my drains (even four at once). Yes, he’s emptied the blood and fluid from my body. And never even winced. He’s been there for every pre- and post-surgery, every doctor’s appointment, every breast exam. He knows it all and he’s seen it all. I know he loves me for me, and he loves my body no matter what. But for some silly reason, even after all that, I thought I had to hide from him the dark circles under my eyes.

So I opened the door, concealer dotted and all, and he just smiled and laughed. I said: “what, you don’t think this is natural do you?”

Perspective.

My husband is the best man I know. (Well, so is my brother but that’s for different reasons. Couldn’t leave you out, Drew!) He’s strong and determined. He’s stable and loyal. I never wonder with him. I always know. And that’s one of the most important reasons I love him. I always know. He’s solid and stable and consistent. And I need that. I want that.

This is one reason he and I are the best team I know.

So much has been going on in our lives, and it’s all such incredible stuff. We’re building a house, our friends are getting married and having babies. We’ve been going out with friends, I’ve been going to yoga, and work is great and busy. Despite the frigid winter here (it was 7 degrees yesterday), I have been plugging along. And it’s not always easy. The weather makes me depressed and makes me want to stay in bed all day. So I’ve upped my exercise (yoga twice a week and running 5-7 miles a week), upped my fruit and veggies to 5-7 servings a day, I’m taking my multivitamins, making plans with friends, keeping our weekends busy BUT relaxing, and just trying to stay motivated and energized through these TERRIBLY cold months.

There’s the topic of babies now more than ever. Us having them, I mean. I know I may have already expressed in my blog the very difficult decisions we face as we start thinking about a family. With the Li Fraumeni Syndrome and my medical history, having a natural, biological baby may not be the best option for me or the baby. But there are so many options, and Sean and I have decided that before we make any decisions we will talk to all of my doctors and get as much information as possible. We’ll talk to my oncologist, breast surgeon, primary care physician and genetic counselor. We’ll talk about my health, the risks and the genetics. And then we’ll talk about the options of genetic interference. (removing eggs and testing them). And adoption. And surrogacy. Everything. All of those options are very overwhelming and scary and stressful. And just thinking about carrying a baby is very overwhelming and stressful. I’m not sure I want that, or can handle that, or if that’s even healthy for me or healthy for a baby. So lately I had been feeling stuck. Stuck like – YES, there are millions of options, but I’m not sure which way to go. I’m not sure what’s right for me and Sean.

And then I remember something.

We’re the best team I know.

Sean and I have been to hell and back, before we were even married. We’ve been through breast cancer and other major life events. (he’s seen me without makeup, for goodness sake!). We are strong and focused and we are do-ers. There is never a problem we can’t solve, together. We are a team. And we are an amazing team. We are the BEST team I know.

New Year's Eve 2013!

So there’s no reason to feel stuck. Sure, it’s normal to feel overwhelmed and stressed out about this. It’s a huge decision and I just want more than anything to be “normal” – to be able to give Sean a “normal” healthy baby from my body. But life doesn’t always go the way we want or plan. We must make sacrifices and tough decisions. And I am the luckiest woman in the world to be part of a team. This team. Together we will get through this, just like everything else we’ve gotten through in the past. And just like everything else we have yet to face. We’ll come out better and stronger. Because we’re a team.

I don’t know what kind of family we’ll have. I don’t know how many kids we’ll have or where they’ll come from. I know I want to be a mom and Sean wants to be a dad. And no matter what, we will make that happen. We’ll get there. I’m not sure how, and I’m not sure what obstacles we’ll face along the way. But none of that matters. What matters is we’re a team. And we’re the best team I know.