Everything is just as it should be

One aspect I absolutely love about where I take my yoga classes are the focus on the holistic person; the mind-body-soul connection. Yoga is different for every person. For me it isn’t just about physical exercise, strength and balance, though those are central parts of the practice. It’s also about finding peace with your body, finding peace with your soul and finding peace in the now. It’s exploring yourself and your world. It’s letting yourself fall completely into practice. It’s letting the rest of the day melt away. It’s about looking inward to live outward.

Yoga is a full practice that doesn’t begin and end on the mat; it’s continuous. My studio, my classes and my teachers preach that. Each class is about accepting your body as it is. There is no judgment. I know my downward dogs aren’t perfect and I still shake when I hold my plank too long. People wear whatever they want to class. Nobody cares what you look like, what you sound like or how flexible you are. Your yoga practice is just that: YOUR yoga practice. Nobody else’s.

Each yoga session, whether it’s a Saturday morning sun salutations or Monday night level 1-2, addresses a certain life philosophy. I don’t always remember all of them later, but I try to understand and acknowledge them during the class. This past Saturday’s was “Everything is just as it should be.”

And that statement screamed to me.

We officially finished our profile book and are officially at this very point in time, BEING SHOWN to potential birth mothers. This means, at any given moment on any day in any hour in any month we might receive a call that we have been chosen. That means at any given moment on any day in any hour in any month we would travel to any one of the states our agency represents, and within 1-2 weeks of that call could potentially possibly be bringing a baby home, to our house, to our world.

And all of a sudden I would be a mother.

When we started being shown a week ago I literally fell into a panic spell. Not just a mild panic attack (that did happen first) since I was at work and we got an email saying we were being shown to a birth mother who was due in a month. Cue: panic attack. And then the panic spell entered. That is, knowing, at any given moment (I will spare you by not repeating), our lives will be completely changed. Our world will be turned upside down. Life as we know it will change in an instant.

And all of a sudden it was real. On Nov. 1 of last year we met with an adoption attorney. On Nov. 1 of last year we decided we were going to pursue open domestic infant adoption. And today, March 4 of this year, birth mothers are actively looking at our profile book. Reading about our lifestyle, our home, where we live, our families, our religion, where we grew up, our activities, our jobs, my cancer, our battles, Tour de Pink and literally everything else about us. Our pride and our joy. Our involvement in the community. What’s made us stronger today. What will keep us strong. Who we are.

And all of a sudden it became real.

We are in the “wait,” which could be a period of one hour or 100 years. (not 100 years but I say that to make a point that we have absolutely no way of knowing when this is going to happen.)

So our agency tells us to live our lives, make our plans, keep our travel, live, live, live and the baby will enter our lives when the baby will enter our lives and our family will form however our family is supposed to form.

Out.of.my.control.now.

And then all of a sudden the sharp, jagged rock of panic and uncertainty became a small round stone. And all of a sudden I realized EVERYTHING IS JUST AS IT SHOULD BE.

And all of a sudden I realized we did what we needed to do, and it will all work out.

And life, yes, it will be flipped turned upside down, just like the Fresh Prince of Bel Air says. When we get that call we will drop everything and gain a baby. It will be chaotic. It will be a cluster F. We’ll be scrambling to get diapers and a car seat with a base and we’ll be scrambling because there will be a baby all of a sudden.

But it’s not so scary and it’s not so sharp. It has become a smooth stone and we are placing it in the hands of the universe. The very same hands of the very same universe that somehow, some way, made sure everything was just as it should be.