Love and espresso

Last night I had a dream, among many little others, that I was wearing these super high heels and walking on a very slippery floor and I kept falling and slipping and sliding. Almost every step I took I would slide back and forth. Sometimes I would fall, and sometimes I would sway.

In real life, I have everything COMPLETELY IN CONTROL. My job is amazing. I feel I'm both challenged by it and also excelling at it. I am training for a half-marathon and actually, for once in my life, am not beating myself up over skipping a run. I told myself early on that now I have a baby, and she takes priority. And that means less-than training. And I'm OK with that. Our social life is, as it always is, thriving. I was busy with breast cancer events in October, and this month I set up an event to bring together the two other adoptive families in State College that we know. I'm hoping to make it a regular meeting so the kids can grow up together. I'm also scheduling girls' brunches and trips to winery. Family life is great. Sean and Campbell, as always, are loving and amazing. My health (knocking on blocks of wood) is top-notch.

So, in real life, I've got all my little ducks in a row. I have it all and am in control of it all. Full-time job as a writer/editor, half-marathon training, Mommy to a 6-month old, social plans, health, awesome husband who loves and supports me.

And laundry. And dishes (sometimes). And still working on those thank-you notes.

And of course, it's not without struggle. Doing it all is never EASY. But I make do. We make do. We do it. And I love it. But I won't say it's easy. I am just saying I have it under control.

This morning I dropped Adele off at school because Sean had an early work breakfast to attend. Then I went to Starbucks. I made it into my office, blonde roast with a shot of espresso in hand, changed into my heels and sat down at my desk by 8:02 a.m.

Mama got it under control.

Wake up, baby bottle, baby diapering and dressed, breakfast, Mommy dressed, daycare bag packed, coat on Adele, bags into the car, baby into the car and in the car seat, dropped off at school, hugs and kisses and small talk with the teachers, filled out the sign-in sheet, parked my car in the lot, Starbucks, office, 8:02 a.m. Just saying.

Espresso.

And love.

What gets me through? Love. I have so much love in my life. Sean, Adele, Campbell and my family and friends. FaceTiming friends and family while Adele is eating her sweet potatoes, an amazing husband who watches the baby while I get my mani-pedis and go for a run, a GORGEOUS, long-eyelashed, curly haired baby who coos and "talks" to me and puts her arms around my neck and grabs my face and hair and smiles when I smile and looks at me with those big dark eyes. SO.MUCH.LOVE.

I have so much love to keep me going and keep me on top of it all and keep those ducks in a row. Is it easy? No. Do I always make my workouts? No. Do I always get a shower? No. Am I always pleasant and in a good mood? No. Do I always make a healthy dinner? No. Do I always take off my makeup before bed? No. Am I tired? Yes.

But I sing to the baby in the morning and take my multivitamin and more than anything in the world I look forward to being at home with her each night. Tonight we're starting sweet peas.

So it's the love.

And again, espresso doesn't hurt, either.

I have no problem admitting that it's hard to keep it all together. Maybe that's what my dream means. Sometimes I feel out of control. I'm wearing these high heels and walking on a slippery floor, and falling every which way.

The difference is now I can say "no" to myself and others without feeling guilty, and don't feel the need to explain myself, ever. I don't need to say yes to everything. And even though I'm still going through with my half-marathon next month, running - believe it or not - is not my priority. My half-marathon, while I am SO excited about it, is not my priority. My social plans are not my priority.

I don't need to read the book for book club. I'll still be smart.

I don't need to train like crazy for my half-marathon. I'll still conquer it with pride.

My priority is my family. My priority is making sure Adele's diapers are changed and she is fed and happy and warm and cozy and busy.

I have/had this vision of being the "perfect Mommy," with a clean house and pie cooking in the oven, who also works and runs and takes care of the baby and also gets her hair done regularly.

The "perfect Mommy," of course, does not exist.

I can be MY best version of me. I love the imperfection.

I do wear the heels and I enjoy them. And yes, the floor is slippery sometimes. But each time I slid or fell I got back up.

I think I would be bored with flats on a carpet.