Raw and unedited as we near Adele's first birthday

I think of Adele’s birth mom all the time. It’s such a touchy topic to write about, and honestly I don’t even know where to begin. What prompted this post is Adele turning 1 on Sunday. I cannot believe it has already been a year! This smushy, wrinkly little burrito potato blob came into our lives with little warning, and changed absolutely everything. Like I’ve written in previous blog posts, Adele unlocks deep chambers of my heart I never new existed. Her happiness and love is contagious. My heart melts and screams at the same time. It thumps and it slows. It swells and it bursts, again and again and again. I have never experienced a love like this, and that love continues to grow and change.

That little burrito who used to sleep all day now is a curly bubbly firecracker with her own plans and opinions. She smiles at, hugs and kisses her lovies and teddies. She blows kisses and gives high-fives and squeals with joy when she sees Mom or Dad or Campbell. She is great at peek-a-boo and also at pouting. She knows what she wants to eat and when she wants to eat it. She likes to feed herself. She can polish off an entire avocado and entire banana in less than 30 (or 15?) minutes. She holds her sippy cup by herself. Although she loves to be held she also loves to “walk” and cruise and crawl and climb on her own; there is never a dull moment when Adele is on the ground. She plays with the neighbors in the grass, climbs on the playground at school and plays in the sandbox. She pats other children’s backs, makes pretty artwork and laughs hysterically on the baby swing at the playground. She likes to try new foods, including black bean hummus.

Just like there is no way to describe my love for Adele and what she has brought into our lives, and the way she has changed our lives, there is no way to describe what I feel for her birth mom, whom I will call B. Because there really ARE NO words, I haven’t written about it. It is too broad of a topic to even begin – to talk about what an adoptive mom feels for a birth mom. As you all know we have an open adoption, meaning an open relationship with B, however and whatever and in whichever way(s) all parties decide on. Because I am not a birth mom and have not gone through the [what I think is heart-wrenching] process of placing a child for adoption, I won’t even attempt to write about it. But what I CAN write about is the feelings I have for B and for Adele, every day, and especially now as her birthday approaches.

The feeling is a pain deep in my heart and my stomach. I felt it last night as I thought of B. My heart aches because while what B did for us and for Adele is a beautiful blessing, [I imagine it is heart-wrenching for her every day, and now especially near Adele’s birthday]. And I say that in parenthesis BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA HOW B FEELS. In the simplest, purest sentence: adoption is both amazing and heart-breaking at the same time. We all know this, we all get this. It’s just so hard to even begin to explain it. I’ve had these feelings for a while but didn’t know how to get to them. I feel for B. I feel for Adele. I want her to know B or at least know about B, and she will. B is a part of our lives. B will always be a part of our lives. I just want her to see a picture of B. I want her to see what I see when I look in her eyes. I see B so often. And it’s a good thing. Because B created Adele. So I love B. And I just wish/ want her to know how much we love her. I know she already knows we love Adele. But I also want her to know we love her.

And as Adele turns 1, and probably for the rest of our lives and Adele’s life, I will feel this deep ache because the [what I think is heart-wrenching] decision B made. But I don’t know how she feels or what she feels. I just know how I feel and I feel that I want her to know I love her. Maybe it’s as simple as that. It hurts because I love Adele and I love B.

I think adoption is this thing that never really forms into a single feeling or word. I think the feelings evolve. I just wish I knew exactly what this feeling was. 

I see B in Adele, and I want Adele to know that for the rest of her life. She should always know I see B in her. She should always know that.

I feel the loss for Adele, that she doesn't yet feel, and for B. I feel the gains of Adele coming into our lives every second of every day. But especially now I think about what was lost.

What is a loss can also be a gain. What is beautiful can also be painful. Adele is our beautiful story and journey, but there is also loss. And that's OK and that's real and that's normal and my feelings are my feelings.

I feel for B. Simple as that. For B and for Adele.

The loss I feel for Adele and for B is separate from the love I feel for Adele and for B. Both exist. Both are there. But one does not impact the other; one does not affect the other. They are two separate entities. Adoption is complicated. Motherhood is complicated. Feelings don't always have to make sense. And they certainly don't always have to match or sit next to each other.

Happy birthday (on April 26!) to our sweet baby girl, our sweet blessing. Every day I am so thankful and so grateful and so blessed. I am blessed to be your Mama, and you are blessed to have me and Dad and Cams and ALL of our amazing family and friends who love and love and love you to bits and pieces every second of every day.

I never imagined a love like this. I always wanted to be a Mom but could never picture it. Being your Mama is the greatest gift. You are our greatest gift. We love you, and we love B. We always will. We will always honor her. We will always teach you about her. Just like you are always a part of us, B is always a part of us. You never have to worry about that. B is our family. We honor her and we honor you, and we honor you and we honor her. Forever and always.

Here's to turning 1; the fun has just begun!