Letting the structure fall

Adele has been getting really good at building with blocks. Yesterday she had put together a very tall tower and kept adding little blocks at the top. Obviously, you and I know a successful tower requires a strong structure. Adele is just learning this, and hasn’t quite mastered that technique yet. So as she kept adding to the top, the tower got more fragile and less steady. I kept holding it up for her so she could keep adding more blocks. It swayed and swayed and came close to breaking. But I held it up. I didn’t want her to get disappointed when it fell over. And eventually, I couldn’t hold it up anymore. And more than that, I let it fall. I wanted to see how she would react. I wanted her to know that sometimes things fall down. I wanted her to see what happens to her block tower if it gets too tall. So I let it fall.

She stared at it for a minute and then went right back to building.

Sometimes I have to remind myself I can’t always hold everything up, all the time. Sometimes things fall. And sometimes that’s OK.

I don’t usually help Adele unless she needs it or asks for it. She feeds herself, takes out and puts away her toys. She knows what food and drink she wants, and how to ask for it. She knows how to wash her hands, including rubbing her hands together with soap, drying off with a paper towel and throwing the towel in the trash. She knows how to brush her teeth (kind of) and her hair (kind of). Unless she needs help putting her dollie’s tiara on the dollie’s head, or winding up the toy caterpillar, or, after much trying, getting the proper shape into the proper hole or the puzzle piece in just right, I don’t help her. I wait until she asks for help.

My big girl enjoying an almond butter + jam sandwich!

As a mommy I want to protect her from everything. That’s why letting her go down the slide by herself this past weekend was a huge step for both of us. She does so much on her own, including running around the playground, climbing up what’s age appropriate, and gallivanting around the house with her toys and Campbell. She even got a little ride by Sean in her tricycle; her feet can’t touch the pedals yet, but as I saw her sitting there, hands on the handle bars, I knew – in only a few months – I am going to have minor panic attacks as she learns to ride, and all over again (like when she started crawling and then walking), want to bubble tape her body.

Adele and Claire at Claire's 2nd birthday party

But I know, as a mommy, I have to her let see what happens when the blocks fall down. I can’t predict every fall or tumble. I try to, but I can’t. And sometimes she falls down. And she brushes herself right off and keeps on going. If it’s a minor stumble, I ask, “are you OK?” and she says “yeah” and stands right back up and moves on to the next activity. If it's a bigger tumble, one that ends in tears or shock, I scoop her right up and kiss her boo-boo until she forgets about it. The more she walks and tumbles, the more I realize she (I) am going to be OK. She's fast on her feet and I can't predict every move. And that's OK. 

It’s OK to let her blocks tumble because she needs to learn how to build a good tower.

Aunt Julie and Adele <3

For so long I have felt like I try to keep every single tower from falling, and it’s a hard job. I juggle a lot as a full-time working mom of a toddler. And not only is it being a mommy and working, it’s all of our activities and plans. It’s training for Tour de Pink. It’s being on the boards and committees of Pink Zone, Hadassah and Discovery Space. It’s blogging (when I have the time). It’s maintaining friendships and relationships, near and far. It’s continuing to share my story and promote awareness about breast cancer in young women, and now Li Fraumeni Syndrome, and now adoption. But it all serves me. I may seem busy, and I AM. But I choose the activities that serve me, and I remove that ones that don’t.

toddler swim with Melissa and Brandon!

Yes I am training for Tour de Pink, and this past weekend I went out on a 20 mile bike ride by myself. And I loved it. I enjoyed it. It was my time away. My alone time.

Two years ago when I was training for my first Tour de Pink I would get nervous and anxious about every bike ride, almost dreading it because of the amount of pressure I put on myself. Now, today, I enjoy the ride. My last ride before yesterday was in the beginning of July, more than a month and a half ago. But I’m OK with that. No pressure. I ride when I can and I ride when I want. Tour de Pink isn’t the most important thing. My family and my well-being is. Adele comes first.

Tara and Duff's engagement party! We are so excited for our friends!

I’ve learned how to not feel overwhelmed by all my activities by not LETTING myself get overwhelmed by all my activities. I don’t think twice about saying “no” or canceling a cycling class I booked. I do what serves me.

Friday night live music at Happy Valley Winery

Friday night live music at Happy Valley Winery

That being said, I do feel like I have to keep all these towers together. I put a lot of pressure on myself, not to be perfect, but to be close to it. To make healthy meals every night for Adele. But sometimes we get Chinese food. To work out a few times a week. But sometimes it’s more like once a month.

I don’t need every structure to stand tall all the time. As long as most of them are somewhat standing, albeit swaying, it’s OK. Most have a good, strong foundation, in that the intention is good. The intention is pure.

The intention is I don’t want to disappoint Adele. But I also want her to learn how to build. How to make a good foundation, and what makes a good, strong, stable tower. And she can only learn that by seeing, sometimes, those blocks fall.

Fun at the park! (With a Tour de Pink water bottle!)

And for me, as a woman who wears all these different hats – wife, mom, working mom, cancer survivor – it’s great that all these towers have good foundations, and it’s great I want to keep them all standing. But I’m only one person. And I have to learn, too, what makes a good strong tower, what makes multiple good, strong towers. What makes a good, strong woman. For me, it is sometimes, just sometimes, allowing the structure to fall, and knowing it’s really, truly not the end of the world when it does.

Blowing bubbles at Ryan's 6th birthday party!

We are all truly soaking up these last few weeks of summer with plenty of parties and play dates and trips to the park and the pool. It’s been an amazing summer now that Adele can play outside with friends. The campfires and time with neighbors is never-ending. It’s been an amazing summer as Adele is growing so fast and learning so many new things. She loves the playground and sings in the stroller when we go on walks. She knows how to put sunscreen on herself (and her dollie, and mommy), and knows to ask for her hat when we go outside. Every day is such a joy with her, as she discovers more of her world. And my heart sings when she “takes care” of her dollie and lovies – kisses them, and “feeds” them with the toy bottles. I wish I could find the words to describe what that’s like, to see your daughter, without any prompting, just pick up her doll, cradle it, and kiss its forehead. If it was my heart singing it would be the loudest most joyful song. It would be my heart climbing to the tallest rooftop in the world and singing as loud as it possibly can. The joy is indescribable.

Enjoying crackers and hummus at Claire's birthday party

All of Adele is. All of being a mom is. It’s more amazing every day. It’s different every day. It’s the hardest, most rewarding job of all. It’s the best, best thing.

Adele and Nicole at Wiscoy for Animals' doggie ice cream social