Pink and Pearls: "It's yours to take"

"It's yours to take"

Those were the words my instructor Chuck spoke during last night's cycling class, my last class before Tour de Pink. We leave Thursday for Philly, and the ride begins on Friday outside of Frazer, PA. We end, on Sunday, in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. (YOU CAN DONATE TO MY RIDE HERE!) As many of you know, in my first ride in 2013 I did every single mile. Last year, Julie, Dan, Sean and Daniel formed Team Pink and Pearls, named after this very blog, and rode in my honor and in the honor of all other young women fighting, and those who have lost their battles. I didn't ride last year. I decided I need to care for Adele that weekend, then only 4 months old.

Brandon and Adele at the park!

This year I'm riding. For many reasons. First, Adele is older and she'll be watched after by Becky and Jeff throughout the weekend. Secondly, I'll be, for the first time, riding with Sean. A wife-husband opportunity that doesn't come along too often. Thirdly, I'll be riding with a team of 7 other of my close family and friends. Fourthly, I don't plan to ride the whole 250+ miles. I did it once. I proved to myself what I needed to. And now, this year, this coming weekend, I'll do my best, I'll have fun, I'll see my YSC friends and sisters, and I'll SAG out if and when I need to. I'll ENJOY it. It doesn't mean I'm not nervous and it doesn't mean I am not highly anticipating every single thing. I've personally raised more than $6,000 which is more than I raised in 2013.

If you've been following (pretty religiously) this blog, you'll know much of it focuses (ok, maybe MOST of it) focuses on healing after breast cancer. life after breast cancer. living, LIVING life as a breast cancer survivor, and navigating life as a LFS patient, full-time working mom, wife, etc. So much of it has been about healing, finding myself, healing, getting it all back, proving to myself. Tour de Pink. Those 5Ks and Dirty Girl Mud Run. That half-marathon.

Playing at Old Main lawn before the Penn State game

When I did Tour de Pink in 2013, there was no doubt that that ride was for me. For me to take my body back. For me to support women like myself. For me to prove I could do it. For me to prove to myself breast cancer didn't take a damn thing. For me to put my face on a challenge that personally meant something to me. For me to have a story to tell. For me to make my mark in a world unknown until then. For me to become part of something bigger than myself, to get the support I needed, for myself.

This year when I ride I'll ride for fun and friends and the cause. I'll ride alongside two of my best friends in the world, Sean and Julie.

team jerseys!

When Chuck said those words (there are often many wonderful, inspirational phrases uttered by my instructors in cycling, yoga, TRX, etc.), I bowed my head down like I always do, and I pushed my thighs through hard resistance. I focused on my breathing. This, here, was the height of this particular drill. This is when I use every ounce of energy, tell myself THIS IS MINE TO TAKE, and push. This is when, though steady on a stationary bike, I close my eyes and envision the finish line. But as soon as I closed my eyes, a switch went off. Yes, it's mine to take. But right here, right now, I've already taken it.

Healing, finding myself, proving myself.

Rosh Hashanah 2015

I needed cycling and running to do it once, but I don't need that anymore. I already have it.

Isn't healing after breast cancer starting a family and working at a job you love and being a mom and raising money for causes you believe in through speaking at events and participating in the community?

It's mine to take, and I took it.

Enjoying the last few days of summer :)

Maybe a few years ago I first needed the physical challenges to take back what I thought I lost. But as I closed my eyes during that challenge last night, I thought to myself, AHHHH I already have it. I already took it.

No matter how well I do this weekend. No matter if I do 12 more half-marathons or zero more half-marathons. I already have it.

Sarah, myself and Maddi at our Gigi's fundraiser Oct. 1. (3/8 of Team Pink and Pearls!)

During a tough physical challenge, whether a bike ride or race or difficult yoga pose, that's when I reach deep inside and tell myself this, whatever THIS is, is mine to take. My body is mine to own, and that I can do anything I believe I can do. And I power through, sweaty and happy and proud and in control.

And last night, yes - I did push and I will always push - last night I realized I already have that thing I'm looking for.

That's not to say you are ever REALLY healed, or ever REALLY "move on" or "get over" breast cancer. You don't. YOU DON'T. And if I'm being honest, I don't know if you ever really figure out how to navigate life after cancer, after multiple cancers, and while living with LFS.

Celebrating Emily's birthday in October!

However, I do know, right now, that whatever it was that was mine to take, I took it. I took it. I have it.

I have a husband, loving family, beautiful daughter, amazing, supportive friends, a phenomenal community near and far, a job I love, and I continue to be involved in efforts important to me - the PA Breast Cancer Coalition, PA Pink Zone and the YSC.