potty training and paci wars: a few thoughts on motherhood

Oh my goodness does it go by fast! Since my post in late November, we've had a swirl of fun events and Adele has been hitting developmental milestones faster than corn popping on the stove. (I couldn't think of a better metaphor for something really quick and surprising, but not completely unexpected.)

Out of nowhere, or so it seems, she has started to go on the potty, speaks in full sentences, calls Sean "Sean" (it's "Daddy" to you, by the way, Adele), and so on. 

She had been saying "I want to go potty" for a few weeks now, and has been going with me when I go to the bathroom both at home and in public places, so she knows how to use the toilet paper, flush the toilet and wash her hands. A few days into winter break (which started for us on Dec. 24), Adele's plastic pink potty came in the mail (thank you, Amazon!). The first and second day she used it for both pee and poo! She told me she had to go, so I took her into the bathroom. I asked her if she wanted her clothes off.

"Yes."

"Do you want your diaper off?"

"Yes."

And she sat on the potty and went! Cleaning up afterwards was a whole different story, as she wanted to clean the potty herself and I told her that Mommy does that part. 

I know we have a road ahead of us when it comes to potty training, but I am excited to say we've at least started! We ordered some Pull-Ups in the mail, and told her teachers at school today. We'll see how it goes, letting her lead the way, and telling us when she's ready. 

More amazing developments:

Adele hands me my shoes when I say it's time to go, says "thank you mommy" and "thank you daddy." She brushes her teeth, cleans up her blocks, asks for more juice, water or milk (in her words, anyway), can differentiate between which "TD" (TV) shows she wants to watch: Elmo (Sesame Street) or Mickey (Mickey Mouse Clubhouse). She sings amazingly recognizable songs in the car, so on key and on point I can tell when she is singing the chorus of "Wheels on the Bus" or the "Mommy and Daddy Song," which I made up one day to try to keep her spirits up on the ride home from school.

Sip and Paint for my birthday!

She is 20 months old! This little person. I just can't.

(the pictures throughout this post are some moments from the end of 2015, including our family outing to Discovery Space, Hanukkah, my birthday celebrations, play dates with friends, and spending Christmas with friends!)

St. Augustine, Florida December 2015

Jacksonville, Florida December 2015

It's hard to not blog as much as I used to. When I started this blog I was dealing with a lot of raw emotions and no place to put them. Writing helped me sort out my feelings while giving me a place to vent, while also informing friends and family members of my surgery results or next step in my breast cancer journey. It's not to say that now I have less to say. Because I have a TON to say. I just have ZERO time to say it, it seems. So this post is just some random thoughts I have now.

Adele's first haircut

True, I'm (thank g-d) not dealing with breast cancer. Instead my days are busy with Adele and her latest thing (right now it's coloring books and stickers and Doc McStuffins), and her activities: setting up play dates nearly every weekend, trips to Discovery Space and story time at the library, and finding other age-appropriate activities now that our days of going to the park with friends has come to an end. (thank you Pennsylvania winter.)

I turned 31 on Dec. 22! We celebrated with a cocktail party on Dec. 19.

My birthday cocktail party with Branyan and Nicole

Then comes work and our social plans and family life. These days I prefer laundry and TV nights to martinis with girlfriends, and I bask in the glory of getting into bed before 9 p.m. on a Friday night. But Sean, Adele and I are busy as ever! In between our dinner plans with friends and Penn State sports, we're traveling (Virginia in December for Hanukkah, and Florida for this past winter break). Sean and I have our own upcoming travel in March for the YSC Summit and then back to Austin, TX in April for another wedding!

And yes, I still have my girls nights! In fact, I still have my me-time party nights, like for my 31st birthday, I threw myself a Sip and Paint party and a cocktail party. (pics above)

So since my last post we've had my birthday celebrations, Adele's first haircut, my clinic at NIH (NED; follow up in 1 year!!!), winter break, which was filled with many days of relaxing family time followed by a trip to Jacksonville, FL on Dec. 24-Jan. 3 for the Penn State bowl game.

Decorating cookies Christmas morning with the Markowski family

And just because I'm busy doesn't mean I don't have my thoughts. Being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever done, and continue to do. Just this morning, Adele was screaming at the top of her lungs because I wouldn't give her her paci (pacifier with a little stuffed monkey attached, of which we have many) in the middle of breakfast. I held my ground.

"Paci is taking a nap. You can see it later."

"You're a big girl. You don't need paci during breakfast."

And the power of distraction and changing the subject, which are KEY for toddlers: "Do you want some more oatmeal? How about some more juice? Would you like to use your big girl cup and straw? That's right, two hands. What are you going to do in school today?"

"Where's Mickey?"

"Mickey Mouse? He's at home with his family. You can see him after school." (on the 'TD')

That's the gist of most of our conversations. But back to the paci: I wouldn't let her have it during breakfast. She screamed, she cried. She thrashed ferociously around in her booster seat. But I didn't budge. I remained calm. I drank my coffee. I spoke to her in a calm voice. Eventually, we settled on more granola and some more juice, which I let her pour herself into her "big girl" cup (a cup without a lid). Most of the juice ended up on the floor, and she had maybe 0.1 oz of granola for breakfast, BUT she didn't get that paci.

A little of the back story: right now we're using the paci for afternoon naps AT HOME on the weekends. We take it with us in the diaper bag for travel in case of a sudden meltdown. We used it a lot for travel this past week to Florida. We use it when she's sick.

She doesn't use it at school and she doesn't use it in bed at night UNLESS she's sick/has a fever. Because in the world of paci wars, sleep wins. Anything to get to sleep. Paci, Mickey, anything. Anything to soothe a sick child. A gold paci, if that's what it takes. A solid gold paci.

We're not trying to completely get rid of the paci. Not yet, anyway. We're trying to reduce it back down to just when necessary. We let it slide over the break, like I said, because I needed to keep my sanity and also because airplanes.

But she got in the habit of always having paci during our trip to Florida. So this morning at breakfast when she didn't get it, it was meltdown time.

Fun at Discovery Space

This is just a teensy morsel of what makes mothering hard. OF COURSE I WANT TO GIVE HER EVERYTHING SHE WANTS. OF COURSE I WANT TO HAVE A SCREAM-FREE BREAKFAST MOST DAYS OF THE WEEK. But sometimes we have to do the hard thing.

99.9 percent of the decisions I make with Adele -- just speaking about when it's me alone with her; Sean and I agree on most of our co-parenting techniques ;) -- are gut-based, from the heart. I JUST KNOW what the right thing is. Or I THINK I know, and I try and I learn.

Fun at Discovery Space

For me, this morning, it was no paci at breakfast. A simple, tiny decision. I make a million gazillion parenting decisions every day with Adele. This one time, it was no paci during breakfast.

Tonight it will be something else. And then something else.

It's the way to cut her nails. The way to brush her hair. The way to rock her to sleep. The way to not rock her to sleep. The reaction I give when she runs toward the toilet in the public restroom like she's about to dive in. Am I calm? "Adele please don't stick your hands in the toilet." Or am I crazy? "NOOO!!"? It's both.

It's what to feed her and when. It's if she decides when she's done eating, or if I decide when she's done eating. It's what shoes to wear, what socks to wear (are these too big or too small?), what pants to wear, if she wears an undershirt (will she be warm in this fleece at school?). It's every single second of every single day that I make a decision. Some days it's easy. Some days I just KNOW. Some days I guess. Some days I completely surprise myself.

Like when I remained calm, speaking to the nurse on the phone, one time Adele had a fever. Or I see her, in the split second my eyes blink, put the Hanukkah window decal in her mouth and there's no thought, just a reaction: "NOOO! YUCKY! VERY, VERY DANGEROUS."

Or when I watch from the other side of the room, in slow motion, as she gets up and down from the couch. Is she going to fall? Will she make it up? I'm on the edge of my seat, waiting to jump up to catch her. But I have to let her do this on her own.

Or without thinking, I cup the side of the glass table with my hand as to protect her head from under it. Or I catch the cup of milk before it falls. Or I don't catch it, and I have to change her pants before school starts.

Christmas Eve with Brandon, Brody and Miles

If I could describe it, and trust me, I can't, but being a mother is just like all of those things: waiting on the edge of your seat to jump up to catch your child every second of every day. Sometimes you get there in time. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes you didn't need to. Sometimes you did need to and you didn't.

There are no answers. Just decisions. A million decisions all the time. That's what makes motherhood hard. But it's also what makes it literally the best thing in the world I've ever done.

Playtime with Sara

Playtime with Brody and Miles

I look forward to filling her plastic bowl with Goldfish, taking them into the living room for her, and helping her with her farm animal puzzle or Mega Blocks. I love when she wraps her arms around my legs. Or when she says "mommy's water" or points out other things around the house. Or when she shares her snacks with me. Or when she laughs hysterically when I pretend I can't see her hiding behind me.

Or how she concentrates SO hard when she's coloring or eating.

Opening Hanukkah presents with Daddy

There is nothing I've experienced quite as heart wrenching and heart opening as motherhood. It's not just the love so deep it hurts. It's those decisions, millions of them, every day, BECAUSE of the love so deep it hurts.

I can't explain the joy I felt when she just, all of a sudden, went to the potty. Like decisions, I get these feelings a million times a day. The sheer joy of witnessing a new milestone, big or small. When she points out an "owl" in a book (how did she know that?) or can name people in our wedding pictures. When she points to our guest room and says "Bubby" because that's where Becky stays when she visits.

There's no possible way to end this post with one single thought that captures these many, many feelings. So I'll just end here. Here are my thoughts on motherhood: the best.