Open Arms

So we drove to Philadelphia and back last night for an informational session with the Open Arms Adoption Network (http://www.openarmsadoption.net/).

What was really good was that there was no new information in terms of earth-shatteringness. Meaning, when we met with the adoption attorney in State College a few weeks ago, who represents and finalizes adoptions through Open Arms herself, she provided us with a lot of information. We did learn some new things last night, but most of what we heard during the one-and-a-half-hour session was stuff we already knew, or more confirmation of what we already thought, in terms of the process, the decisions we need to make, how to move forward, costs associated, etc. So we were well-prepared going into the meeting, knew the background information, had viewed the profile books, knew about the state laws, etc. But the big thing is: we chose to go with an agency, and as you probably have assumed by now, YES, we are going with Open Arms! First step: completed! We have chosen an agency!

Before last night’s session we were still entertaining the idea of a private adoption, but after hearing even more about Open Arms we decided to use them. We made this decision for a variety of reasons, most of which I won’t go into too much detail because there are many and they are complicated. But the general ones being: with an agency, and with THIS agency:

1.       Our costs are straightforward: we know what we have to pay and when, and there will be no surprises. With a private adoption, the birth mother’s medical costs and prenatal care, rent costs, etc. could all be part of our equation. With Open Arms, we know, financially speaking, what we face.

2.       The process is (pretty) straightforward. As with any adoption, there is no guarantee. But what we learned last night was that Open Arms finalizes about 32 adoptions per year. Wait time, depending on when we get our paperwork in and when we complete our home visits, can vary from 8 hours (yes, that happened) to about two and a half years. Like I said, nothing is ever for certain, in that birth mothers can change their minds at any time (and you could have to start all over again) and we can run into an unforeseen roadblock, BUT, from what we learned last night is that most of the families are placed with a child. It’s not a guarantee but the success rate is so high it’s not even talked about as a “success rate.” So, with Open Arms, we WILL get a child. It’s just a matter of time.

3.       Open Arms does infant, domestic, open adoption. Meaning, we would get an infant from any of the states they represent, which is Pennsylvania, Delaware, New York and New Jersey. With open adoption there are many different levels and many different variations. Essentially, Open Arms’ philosophy, which Sean and I both agree with, is that our child will know he or she is adopted and will know about his or her birth parents. And there is contact between the birth mother and the adoptive parents. Open Arms believes a child’s upbringing and mental health will be better if there is no mystery, such as “who is my mom?” or “why didn’t my mom want me?” or “where did I come from?” Because kids are GOING to ask questions and they are going to want answers. We believe in openness and honesty. With this process, there is no mystery and nothing is being hidden from the child. The child will know who his or her birthparents are and will know the process in which we, as adoptive parents, welcomed him or her into our family. With Open Arms, birth mothers actively seek out an agency, they are serious about finding a good family for their child, they read the families’ profiles and make very detailed, in-depth, informed decisions. They truly want what’s best for their child. So the process is open. We meet the birth mother ahead of time, she “chooses” us, and we set up framework, such as what kind of contact there will be after the adoption is finalized. This could mean visits once a year, letters, pictures, etc. That will be up to me and Sean. But the point is there is no question or mystery. We believe in honesty and we believe it’s best the child knows where he or she came from so when it’s time to ask questions we have honest answers. Nothing is hidden. This is important to Open Arms and important to us.

4.       Still going along with No. 3, because of Open Arms’ openness philosophy, we would know all about the birth mother, including her health, and may even be invited to the hospital when she gives birth. There are no secrets; since the mother has CHOSEN the agency she has CHOSEN to provide us with information, helping ALL parties be a part of the health of the baby, etc. And of course there are always exceptions, but with the agency essentially the birth mother and the adoptive parents know what they are getting into – they know information ahead of time and can make informed decisions.

So those are just four of the many reasons we decided to go with Open Arms. The steps are a little clearer now. I just sent an email this morning to the director saying we are ready to begin the process, and I think by the end of the year we will have started sending in our documents. The hard part is now: getting everything in, getting our home visits scheduled, putting together our profile book. I know the waiting will also be hard since it could take years, but at least once all of our stuff is in we know we’ve done everything we can.

After last night’s session adoption doesn’t seem so far away now. Yes, there’s lots of work to do and we are starting the very early steps of what is going to be a difficult, challenging and stressful process, but now the tasks seem more clear and it doesn’t seem SO far away that we will have a baby. It could take a few years but now it actually seems like it will happen. So we will be parents. Not soon but eventually. And not without a lot of hard work.

But other families do it for a variety of reasons and they are successful. We will be successful, too.

I really can’t stress enough how much it means to us to have so much support from our friends and family. I know not everyone in the world understands why we’re doing this, but like with starting ANY family, our decision is a personal one, between me and Sean, and was made after much thought and deliberation. And the important thing is that WE understand and that the people who love us understand. The decision was made with the knowledge we have now. We are so thankful to have everyone’s blessing as we embark on this journey. We realize not everyone is so lucky to be so supported, so we really, really thank you ALL for your kindness and compassion. Thank you, truly, to our friends and family. Thank you for standing by us during this process and for welcoming, with open arms, our future child, whenever he or she gets here, however he or she gets here.