The path

Campbell with a leaf stuck to his nosey!



I’m going to go ahead and attribute this to starting the adoption process, but in the past four days I’ve had three dreams about Campbell, all very different. Some disturbing and some lovely.

In this order, dream 1: Campbell weighed 110 pounds. In the dream I kept thinking how fast he’d grown.

Dream 2: Campbell had two puppies, also chocolate labs. I understand Campbell is a boy and he can’t give birth, and I also understand he is 2 years old, but in the dream Campbell had two puppies. And I was ecstatic.

Dream 3, last night: Terrifying. I had a dream I accidentally cut Campbell’s armpit with a pair of scissors, and it was bleeding so we had to take him to the vet. When I woke up this morning I made sure to pet him extra carefully.

I’ve never had this many consecutive dreams about Campbell, especially with such varying emotions and events. I am sure all three had to do with the prospect of me becoming a mother for the first time, potentially within the next year or so.

I am not a mental health professional, a licensed psychic or even a dream expert, but I do know myself pretty well so I’ll try to analyze. Dream #1 has to do with me and Sean raising Campbell and him growing up big and strong. (Very big, apparently.) When we first got Campbell at 7 weeks old, he was a tiny blob, as I like to call him. He was a shriveled, wrinkly little blob who Sean had to carry outside to use the bathroom. He was all blobby and wrinkly and crumply. Now he’s a tall, skinny lanky dog; completely opposite of a blob. I know he will eventually grow into his body. He’s probably just on the verge of 60 pounds now, but I know male labs can get pretty big, and not that we’d ever let him get overweight or get to be 110 pounds, he probably still has about 20 more pounds left on him. I think the dream resembled us raising something from a blob to a beast. And in my dream I was a little surprised he was so large, but I loved him and I was happy.

Dream #2 definitely, definitely has to do with babies and birth. I mean, come on. I was thrilled in the dream when Campbell gave birth to two adorable chocolate lab puppies. It made me so happy. So that probably has to do with the thought of a new baby coming into our home, maybe unexpectedly and maybe after waiting for many years. We don’t know when our child will come. Campbell having babies = us getting a baby.

Dream #3 has to do with me being scared, nervous and anxious about being a mother, and being afraid I’ll mess up. I think this is pretty standard. Most (all?) moms, whether they have one child or 200 children, are nervous about doing something wrong. But we all learn as we go. We’ll mess up millions of times. And like my mom said, there is no way to really teach someone how to be a mother. She compared it to telling someone the meaning of life. There is no one way or one thing. Whether I’d have the baby myself from my body, or get the baby from someone else, I will learn as I go.

Friends of mine have told me terrible, horrible, scary dreams they’d had about hurting or killing their child in their dreams, either right before birth or right after. I know our child won’t come from me, but a mom is a mom is a mom. I’m scared just like any other new mom. The only difference is I don’t know when I’ll be a new mom. I do know that it’s OK to be scared and it’s OK to be nervous. Everyone is. Becoming a parent is scary for the first time or the 500^th time.

I think I have all of the normal feelings as we begin this process, and I am sure they will continue to evolve thousands upon millions more times. There are still so many questions, challenges and unknowns. But I KNOW it’s OK to be nervous. Something I’ve pictured my whole life (me as a mother) is now becoming a true possibility, whether it happens right away or in two years. The idea that it IS happening is scary, of course. And it can be both scary and exciting. It was always an idea, a picture. But it’s slowly turning into reality, though the process may be different than what I had pictured.

But life doesn’t always go the way we plan or picture or even hope or dream. Truly, it doesn’t.

But if I think back really hard about when I was a little girl, my life now is not so different than what I had wanted. I have always wanted to be a mother and I remember thinking when I was younger that I wanted to have both a biological child and adopt a child. Because I wanted to have a child just like myself, but also give a child a home.

So although life doesn’t always go how we want or plan, there is comfort knowing that in my heart of hearts, I always find a path that fits. It may not be the exact path I imagined, but my values and ideas haven’t changed.  

Meaning, life events occur. Some bad, some good. But in the end my life path will be my life path. There’s no way to know what will happen in life, or even prepare or plan for it. You make work what you are dealt. And somehow, someway, it ends up being pretty on target. Because you can’t really change who you are deep down. I’ve always been the same person.

A lot of people assume that pink is my favorite color because of breast cancer awareness. And while I appreciate that, it couldn’t be further from the truth. Pink has always been my favorite color, from the time I knew colors even existed.

I don’t like pink because I had breast cancer. I like pink because I like pink.

It just so happens pink is the color of the breast cancer awareness ribbon.

I know with the adoption process, my health is going to come up a lot. There are going to be lots of inquiries, from friends and professionals, about why we’re adopting and if it has to do with fertility issues. And while it’s nobody’s business but our own how we decide to start a family, and while our friends and family support and love us unconditionally, and while we don’t owe anyone an explanation, it will come up. It’s inevitable. And it’s so, so, complicated.

This is one of the issues I brought up with Dr. Kelly today. No matter how it’s done, people are going to ask about how you have kids. And they are going to have their opinions and suggestions, no matter how insulting, inappropriate or off-base. So I wanted to have a quick, go-to, close-ended statement when people ask. Because it’s not fertility issues and it is so, so, so much more than “medical issues.” And when you say “medical issues,” that opens up the floor for even more questions. And frankly, my “medical issues” are none of anyone’s business.

So Dr. Kelly came up with “A biological child is not a possibility for us, so we’re excited about adoption.”

And that’s it. Done and done.

It’s not the whole-world truth, but it’s OUR truth. The whole-world truth, as I’ve labeled it just now, is that we don’t know if I could have a biological child. We don’t know. We don’t know. The process of finding out is daunting and complicated. And does anyone really know anything? No.

BUT WE HAVE DECIDED NOT TO. Therefore, it becomes OUR truth. We made the decision that we’re not doing that. Why? For a million different reasons. Long answer is an essay about Li Fraumeni Syndrome and breast cancer and hormones and Leukemia treatment and chemotherapy and genetic testing and genetic intervention and carrying a child and my body and 5,000 different doctors and emotional and mental. Short answer: A biological child is not a possibility for us.

It will come up and people will ask and it doesn’t matter that it’s our business and our decision, so I wanted to be prepared so I wouldn’t have to put myself through the stress and anxiety of finding the perfect five words to capture a 1,000-word explanation.

So, somehow getting back to where I started … Just like any prospective parent, I am nervous and excited about being a prospective parent. I have dreams about my dog having babies and me cutting his armpit with scissors. I had to come up with a response to the nosy, mostly well-meaning people who have lots of questions and a whole lot to say about adoption. And part of me, way back when, always knew this was going to be a thing. Back when I knew I liked pink I knew I wanted to be a mother. Some things got in the way and made it, and are making it, a little more of a journey than I imagined. But that’s OK. It’s a journey for everyone. No matter how the child gets there, it’s a challenge and a journey. It’s hard for everyone.

So my path feels pretty good. I always knew I had a good path ahead of me. And it just so happens there are a whole lot more flowers than I could have ever imagined. I always knew I deserved the best. And challenges and unexpected hardships have nothing to do with that. They will come up no matter what. They don’t define anything. As in, this could happen but I can still have this. My hardships don’t take anything away.

The breast cancer could happen but I can still have my wedding. The Li Fraumeni Syndrome could happen but I can still be a mother.

Never veering off the path.