UGHHHHHHH I have Dr. Kass on Wednesday in Hershey. It is just a routine six month checkup. Normally, being four years out, I would go every year (exam + breast MRI) but because of my special, attention-seeking genetic mutation called LFS, I keep going every six months. (exam alternated with MRI). During the exam, if a lump/bump/something else is felt, they will do an ultrasound that day. If the ultrasound looks suspicious, they will schedule a follow-up or do a biopsy that day.
Sometimes there are lumps and bumps and sometimes there are ultrasounds.
I always get anxious and nervous before these appointments. The anxiety never goes away. Sometimes it's less, but it never goes away. And sometimes it's really not less. Sometimes it just takes different forms.
These checkups will always be a part of my life, and I have no problem with that. Four years out, 44 years out, I'll probably always go every six months. Because LFS. And because many women I know were breast cancer-free for 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 years and then it came back. Because it does. And because LFS. And just because.
With Leukemia, (the type that I had, which was childhood ALL), the longer you are in remission, and the further out you are from treatment, the less likely the relapse. Of course, you can always have a relapse. But with my case and my age and my treatment, each year out was one more year away, and it became less likely for it to come back. I am now 17 years out from ALL.
With breast cancer, there is no such thing. It can come back 20 years later in the same spot (despite surgery, chemo, radiation), or as mets. And it has been known to happen, A LOT. Women are clear for 20 years and then two seconds later they are stage 4. This crosses my mind. In the same way all cancer crosses my mind - in a battle between I am healthy now and I can't live my life in fear of cancer coming back - between - oh, it can absolutely come back anytime. To: I don't know if and when it will come back - between - oh, it can absolutely come back anytime.
All the while I move forward and I keep on keeping on. I have a daughter to care for and a job to do. I'm a mom and a wife with a full-time job and laundry and thank-you notes and playdates and bath time. I LOVE all of my jobs. I LOVE being a mom. My daughter needs me to be brave, so I'm brave.
Just as I always have, I live fully (very fully) while still being very much aware that I can get cancer again - a new cancer or the same cancer(s). I live fully in the moment (very fully) and also try to plan ahead (trips, vacations, etc.) while still being very much aware that cancer could ruin those plans, and it absolutely has in the past. But just because something has happened once before doesn't mean it will happen again.
What if it does?
But what if it doesn't?
We don't really know.
So we all know how I live - the fear doesn't control my life but it's definitely there. And when there is pain somewhere or a migraine or a bruise that doesn't heal right away it's there.
The fear doesn't stop me from anything. It doesn't keep me from anything. I still signed up for Tour de Pink this year and booked my flight to Chi to visit Sally in June. We still built a house and adopted a baby and became a family. I commit to everything I do. And then I do it. But all the while I have LFS.
My friends, the backpack is heavy. True, this week it is heavier than other weeks because I have Dr. Kass. When I have Dr. Kass the backpack is HUGE. I hate that freakin' backpack. It comes every six months and it's a terrible backpack.
And it also comes around when I have LFS clinic in December. And all other times the backpack is OK. It is manageable. But this week it is heavy and I hate it.
Right now - there is also so much more than that backpack. There is this spark in my life. My beautiful family. This past weekend we took Adele to the mikveh to begin her conversion process into Judaism, and later this month we will have her baby naming. The rabbi and cantor who married us also did the mikveh ceremony, and will also conduct Adele's baby naming. In the same synagogue where we were married. Full circle. And Adele turned 1. Full circle. And it's spring. A lot of circles.
We are truly, truly blessed.
Yes, I hate this backpack, but I'll wear it. I have to. Stress hurts. Anxiety hurts.
But what choice do I have? I wear the backpack. I just wear it.
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