What IF vs. What IS

We'll start with the most important stuff first: Wednesday's appointment was non-eventful! Yes, it was just an exam by Dr. Kass, and everything felt/looked fine, so I go back in six months for an MRI. Because I'm in the LFS study at the NIH Dr. Kass thinks I may be able to get a breast MRI less often than once a year, because I'm getting a full body MRI - additionally - every year for the study.
So, yes, a small six-month step, but I am so relieved. Every appointment that goes well is another deep breath and another milestone. I'll take it. I'll take it all.

So, back in November for an MRI, and then full body and brain MRIs in December for LFS.

There's always so many different parts of me, tugging at me, during these appointments. First, I can't talk/think about life/plans until after the appointment. In the car on the way to Hershey Sean and I always talk about our plans for the week, month, etc. Sunday we're going to take Adele to the park. We need to buy chairs for the backyard. We'll get the kiddie pool set up. We need to go on a bike ride. I am going to Chicago next month, Sean has a softball happy hour, etc. I try and I try to imagine life beyond the appointment, and even though I am four years out with NO reason(s) to be worried/concern, I STILL have a hard time functioning until after the appointment. What if something happens/they find something/we need to follow up? Plans will be altered.

And then there's the relief part of me mixed with the panic part of me. Today, for example, Dr. Kass said the exam was fine, and that everything felt fine, looked normal, etc., and I had this HUGE feeling of relief inside. Like a big cloud just blew away out of my lungs. Like WHEW, OK, I am good. I am so good. And then: panic. What if she missed something?

(Let's keep in mind that Dr. Kass is nicknamed "Golden Fingers Kass" for her ability to feel everything and anything. She found a STITCH around my implant for goodness sake. A stitch. And I've had plenty of follow-up ultrasounds to lumps and bumps when it was deemed necessary.)

So, all that in mind, I know it is me, my brain. My brain always does this to me and I am learning how to reverse it. When there is relief I create a fear that isn't there. I have learned, through therapy and self-reflection, to pinpoint exactly what I'm doing when I'm doing it, and to tell myself it is in my mind and not a real thing. I create a scenario that isn't there. It takes a lot of practice - and I'm still learning - how to recognize and reverse these thoughts. Thoughts that have no basis. Thoughts I create out of scenarios that don't exist.

There are a million what-ifs in the world. But we don't live by what-ifs. We live by what IS.

Here's what IS: Dr. Kass said everything felt fine and to come back in six months.

I am learning to just take what IS and just go with it. It's gotten easier and I've gotten better at it, but there are still times I catch myself creating fear and fearful situations that have no basis.

So upon relaxing I am looking forward to Mother's Day weekend with Sean and Adele and Cams. We have lots of fun things planned, including trips to the winery, going out with friends, walks, playing at the park, bike rides, etc.

I can't believe Adele is a TODDLER. Like, a toddler. There is no greater feeling in the world than when she looks into my eyes and "pats" my hair and touches my face. Or when I'm holding her and she reaches her arms around my neck for a closer hold. There are a million little things she does, where, in those moments I am in complete awe. I am continuously surprised by this little being, who knows so much and who learns so quickly. Tiny little moments - there are too many to name them all - I try to cherish, to freeze. Her curly hair tickling my chin as she falls asleep in my arms before I put her in the crib. And I think - I will stay for two more seconds. Squeeze very tightly this exact experience. I love this moment.

There are a million what-ifs in the world.

They can float along in the world, on their lists, doing their own things.

Today, I choose what IS.

What-ifs are crowded and mind-numbing. They are overwhelming and confusing. They are overlapping and mysterious. They are contradictory and dizzying.

What IS, is clear and crisp.

Here's what we know. Let's take that, and let's run with it.

Ain't nobody got time for anything else.