The year of healing

I haven't blogged in a while - a long while, and every time I think about blogging I get so overwhelmed because it's been so long, so then I push it back and procrastinate because I have too much to say and then it becomes too much MORE to say by delaying the blogging, so I'll just jump right in:

I haven't blogged much, but MUCH has been happening. We've all been doing really well. We've all been happy and healthy, and each day with Adele is such a blessing and a journey; just when I think she can't get more beautiful, more smart, more curious, more active, more compassionate, more sweet, more passionate, more spirited ... I am amazed at how she grows in each of those areas, and millions more, every day. We've started dance class on the weekends and I just adore those special times together. When I'm not at work my life revolves around planning her playdates and next arts and crafts projects, and what books we'll read before bed and which errands she'll accompany me on, and what size leotard she needs for dance class, and when to introduce this and that into her diet and lifestyle.

Our YSC Face 2 Face Support Group in State College on the cover of the Pink Zone issue in January's Town&Gown! From left: Katie, Heather, me. Heather spearheaded the group last year, and I've been honored to help her run it. So far we've had two support group meetings that have been well-attended! The group is an extension of the YSC, so it's near and dear to me, and it provides support for young women with breast cancer where we live. It's so exciting to get this group off the ground! We truly appreciate Town&Gown magazine highlighting our work!

Adele at dance class!

But something else I'm focusing on a lot lately is ME. Not in the ways I was before - with my alone time, or yoga classes or pedicures or book club or ladies' night out. I'm working on things I've been struggling with internally for quite some time that I feel I never got a real handle on:

my anxiety and my pain.

We'll start with my anxiety. Most of you know I've been seeing a psychiatrist since the breast cancer diagnosis, and also since then been off and on Zoloft for depression and anxiety, with me being on it most recently since around Adele's birth. I had been continuing to see Dr. Kelly once or twice a month and it was helping, but I was still having severe anxiety to the point it was interrupting my life. Being worried about things - whatever things, really - actually sucked the joy out of my life. I couldn't live in the moment because my mind was consumed with worries. Day to day worries like being late for work or getting Adele into the car seat would spiral into if I was being a good mother or if her breakfast had too much sugar or her dinner wasn't healthy or if I yelled just a little too much it would affect her growth and development, to meeting work deadlines to getting enough sleep to definitely not getting enough sleep, all the way to cancer and death and accidents. My worrying was consuming my every cell. My being. I've always had anxiety and I've always had worries. It's part of who I am. I remember anxiety being a part of my life since I was a kid. As life happened - the breast cancer, getting married, surgeries, the LFS diagnosis, becoming a mom - my anxiety increased naturally and I began bigger steps to deal with it - therapy and medication.

Pep Rally in Los Angeles for Penn State in the Rose Bowl!

Visiting the children's museum in Tucson during winter break

Family New Year's Eve pic in the hotel room in Los Angeles! We had a quiet night of watching TV and coloring in the hotel. It was the PERFECT new year's after a 6 hour car ride from Phoenix, Arizona earlier that day!

But somewhere along the way the anxiety became too big. It had spiraled back out of control. I was getting panic attacks out of nowhere. Instead of the anxiety being a little thing in the back of my mind it was a giant blue marble, front and center of my brain, sucking the joy out of work and motherhood and time with friends and family. I decided I wasn't where I wanted to be with my therapy. I decided this wasn't the life I wanted to live, that I was better than this. That, sure, I have anxiety, and previously I told myself "oh well," this is how I'll live. But no more.

So I started cognitive behavioral therapy a few weeks before winter break. I've only had a few sessions but I'm hopeful it will help me to live a more balanced life. I'm keeping daily anxiety journals and documenting my anxiety triggers, and learning to cope with the triggers. I'm hopeful this therapy, in addition to the medication and continuing to see Dr. Kelly, will help me live more of a comfortable life. I'll always have anxiety, but I deserve more than what I was getting. I deserve to live comfortably, the anxiety managed.

Adele last Sunday, sharing her breakfast with Lilly the giraffe :)

Adele and Brandon! We have playtime with friends almost every weekend!

And the pain. The pain in my chest, armpits, thoracic spine, neck and shoulders has been going on since the breast cancer surgeries and is a result of built up scar tissue under my chest wall that extends under my armpits and through my back, affecting my spine and my posture. And in turn, my spine and my posture affect my chest. My implants are heavy. While they don't hurt every second of every day, they do pull and spasm, and hurt when I lift anything - weights, Adele, groceries, or even turn the steering wheel the wrong way.

Before I was just living with the pain, just telling myself to be grateful I was done with surgeries and that my breast cancer was behind me.

But then somewhere along the way, like the anxiety, I decided it wasn't enough, that I was better than this. That I didn't deserve to have such excruciating pain in my back that I was nearly (or actually in) tears by the end of the work day. That caring for my daughter, driving my car, everything caused pain.

After multiple appointments at one physical therapy practice, countless oncologist appointments about the pain, and finally a pain management clinic, I have found a new physical therapy practice that will do myofascial release and other unique techniques to actually break apart all the scar tissue so I can regain motion in my neck and back and chest, hopefully decreasing the pain.

My motion in those areas has been limited, and scrunched and knotted in pain, since 2012. I get that I'll always have some pain - that's what comes with life after cancer, and like the anxiety, I'll always be battling it. But the amount of pain I'm in right now is not acceptable to me. And until I try every option I'm not giving up.

I've already been doing exercise and weight lifting, chiropractic, massage, foam roller every night, working on my posture, etc. But the problem is the scar tissue, which is limiting movement, causing things to lock up and tighten up, resulting in cyclical pain.

My new favorite mug. Bday present for myself via an Etsy gift card Aunt Amy got me!

I shouldn't be in tears. It's time to do something.

So I'm hopeful the new physical therapy solution with the cognitive behavioral therapy, will help relieve me of some of the things that are taking away joy and comfort from my life, and keeping me from living MY best life and being MY best self. It's time to focus on those now.

It's not good enough not to. It's just not.

So with the cognitive behavioral therapy and now the new physical therapy I am calling this the year of healing - of working on my anxiety at another level and of dealing with the pain I feel every day, hopefully bringing it down from a 10 to a 5, or maybe even a 2. Any relief from the anxiety and pain I feel is good. Anything is good. Anything is better than how it has been. I'm just so happy I saw clearly it was time to make some moves for myself.

"Tired as a mother" .... but SO happy! Selfie taken last weekend. Weekends are my favorite because they mean cartoons in bed with Adele, dance class, fun with friends, family movie nights, arts and crafts and large cups of coffee!

We wish our family and friends a happy and healthy new year. Thank you all for your love and blessings. I hope to blog more this year, too, but let's not get too excited :)