The five stages of Frozen

Let me preface this post by saying we just introduced Adele to the movie, Frozen, a few weeks ago. So what we're going through is something many of you have already been through, in 2013 and maybe 2014. And maybe even 2015. But for our family, Frozen has just recently become a part of our lives. No, it IS our lives. It IS. We ARE Frozen. 

denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

The first time I saw Frozen with Adele I was literally blown away. I know, I know. The movie came out in 2013. People have already been in love and downloaded the music and bought the movie and bought all the dolls and sleeping bags and backpacks and wall decals. They did this all. But for me, I had just seen it for the first time a few weeks ago. And I LOVED it. Still do. Hands down one of my favorite Disney movies. I love the movie. Let's just let that be a thing.

Since the movie has premiered in our home it has been on replay, on average, (no joke), once daily. For the past three weeks. And the soundtrack? In the car on the way to school, on the way home from school, in the kitchen making breakfast on the weekend.

Adele talks about Sven and Anna and Elsa and Kristoff. All. the. time. 

Denial: It's a good movie, and Adele likes it, but just like Tarzan and Finding Dory, the hype will end and she'll move on to another favorite movie. 

Anger: Frozen, again? But we just saw it. We literally JUST watched the whole thing. Yesterday. And part of it this morning. And listened to half the soundtrack on the drive to school. Isn't there anything else?! I'll even watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. 

Bargaining: Ok, we can watch one part of Frozen. We can start it, but we won't finish it. Ok, one song. The reindeer song? The snowman song? Let it Go?! 

Depression: Frozen is my life. The songs are in my head every waking hour, and even as I fall asleep at night. I'm always thinking about Elsa and her struggle, about how Anna thought Hanz was the one, but he wasn't. (What is true love?) About how great of a character Olaf is. His comedic timing is impeccable. Josh Gad, the voice of Olaf, is hilarious. Sven is so cute. He licks the snowflakes in the sky as they turn to water at the end of the movie, when Elsa learns love thaws ice. Idina Menzel is SO freaking talented. Did anyone know this? Oh wait, everyone did. In 2013. But her voice, though. I want to be her. Kristoff is really sexy. (wait, what?). 

Acceptance: I'm not here yet, but I'll let you know when I am.

When I first saw Frozen I felt I could relate to Elsa and what she was hiding. She had this power, whatever she touched turned to ice, and the more she felt, the angrier she got, the more fear she had, the worse the powers. She hid it all her life until becoming queen, when she left, and literally, Let it go, creating a winter storm around her and no longer hiding her powers. 

I don't have powers. But I do have struggles, often that take the form of something cold and dark and icy. And I often feel I have to hide them.

It's no secret I deal with anxiety and depression and chronic pain. My last post I wrote all about my "year of healing" and how I started a new CBT and PT program. They are helping. I'm in therapy. I work every day to find balance. But I still struggle, and sometimes I get lost in my attempts at perfection, and forget I don't have to be OK all the time. Sometimes I can be "not OK" and it doesn't make me any less of a mother, or wife, or writer, or friend. 

There have been times in the past few months I felt like I was literally drowning. My job and my health and my healing, and being a mom, and my activities and my community service and advocacy, and responsibilities were too much. On the surface my head was above water and I was smiling and juggling it all. But below the water my arms and legs were treading water so fast I could barely keep up. My chin would sometimes go under. And I'd tread harder and harder. Just to keep my face above water. I couldn't let anyone see what was going on below the surface. 

There would be mornings I would cry to Sean, just completely overwhelmed at life, completely distraught that after years of therapy and being cancer-free, my pain and anxiety were still too much to bear. How was I STILL treading water?! Why am I not better?!

When I began my cognitive behavioral therapy I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I mean, duh, it makes sense. But really having a name for my spiraling and sometimes paralyzing anxiety was a relief. There's a name for what I'm feeling. I'm not making it up. I have a condition. And it can be treated. With work, work work.

I work every day at telling myself that just because I have anxiety and depression it doesn't mean I'm not a good mom. 

To take a step back, try my diaphragmatic breathing I learned in CBT, stop the spiraling thoughts. Address each thought. I can do this. It's OK to not be OK. I'm a person. And some days are better than others, some weeks and months are great, while others I am treading water.

Like Elsa I felt I had to keep my anxiety and fears hidden. I am high functioning. Type A. Busy, super, power mom and writer and blogger and volunteer, and planner. Playgroups. Cookie decorating. Lunches with friends. Co-leading a breast cancer support group. Cognitive behavioral therapy. Regular therapy. Physical therapy. Exercise. Laundry. Creating healthy meals for Adele. Sure, I got this. Grocery shopping. I got all of this. And under it all is the cancer and LFS. But I couldn't let it show. I was supposed to be OK.

But guess what? I'm not always OK, and that's super OK. So I'm letting it go.

All of it. Here I am, in all my glory. Sometimes I have terrible anxiety and am overwhelmed at the thought of getting out of bed. Sometimes my days are spectacular and I am overwhelmed by the love in my life. I am all of it.

We are in the season of Frozen now. I've felt trapped by the movie playing over and over again, and feeling, like Elsa, I was hiding something. I was almost haunted by how cyclical it was. The movie and my life. She started out scared, with these huge powers she had to hide. They created disasters and almost killed her sister. But love conquered all, and love thawed the winter. Love cured Anna. Elsa was able to use love to control her powers. 

But then the movie started again and Elsa faced the struggles all over, from the beginning. She had to learn love to thaw the ice. 

And I believe love does the same for me. I don't want to hide behind my anxiety and my pain. I want to own it. And the love of my friends and family make that possible. They accept me as is. They root for me, struggles and all. They never asked me to hide it. I told myself to. But I'm ready to let it go. 

This season, in starting CBT and PT and addressing some things that have been plaguing me for years - anxiety and depression and pain that was never really dealt with - has felt cold. Frozen. But I'm dealing with it now.

All winters must eventually thaw.