Here's to 2013 ... happier, healthier, stronger

Wow, what a year 2012 was! So many wonderful things happened! Our wedding, honeymoon, signing off on building a house, welcoming our new nephew, finishing my breast cancer surgeries, starting a new job, getting Campbell .. wow wow wow. And so, so much more.
I have many goals and visions for 2013. The main one is to continue to be healthy, happy and strong. And to continue to get healthier and stronger and continue to heal.
Now that it's been more than three months since the last surgery (though it feels like so much longer!), I am starting to get feeling back, both in my chest, and on my back where they did the lat flap over the summer. Lots of tingling and sharp pains that come sporadically. I've had these pains before and it means I am getting sensation back. We don't know if I'll ever get ALL of my sensation back everywhere, but it's a good sign I'm getting some. Even if it hurts.
In a few weeks I was scheduled to have my right nipple reconstruction, but I have decided to postpone that and just go for a consultation/check-up with my new plastic surgeon now that Dr. Moyer has left. I don't see any reason to rush into a procedure that is going to be painful and has risks, even if only a little painful and very few risks. This would be an outpatient procedure, and wouldn't require me to be put to sleep. It's all done in the doctor's office over the course of 1-2 visits. It's completely elective. Optional. It just involves some skin twisting and a tattoo. Minimal pain, minimal risks. Like I've said in previous posts, I can decide to do it now, in 2 months, 2 years, or never. Now, I am going to put it off. Focus on recovery. Not adding pain.
For 2013 I have my "usual" resolutions: eat healthier, exercise more, stress less, live in the moment. And there's a few small additions: eat and drink more green veggies and juice (hi, kale), run farther distances, perfect my yoga, etc. I think I'm off to a good start. Just a few weeks ago I met my goal of running a distance of 5 miles, and I've already started my yoga classes. I buy and make fish and veggies (brussels sprouts, etc.) so I'm already eating pretty healthy.
So those are my "usual" resolutions. I never want to stop improving my life. I never want to stop getting better, stronger, healthier. But today, now, I am the happiest I've ever been. And I only see myself happier in the year and years to come. 2013 will bring more great things. We'll move into a new home. I'll be further out from the breast cancer and my surgeries. Life will keep moving forward. And I'll always, always, always work on myself: healthier, stronger. And I'll always, always, always let myself indulge, enjoy. A little bit of personal shopping, some wine, some chocolate, some days of letting the laundry go unfolded (this happens more often than not...), days of going to bed at 9 p.m. just because I'm tired. Yoga, too much coffee. I'll always take good care of myself. Be good to myself. Do what makes me happy. Do what makes me feel good about myself.
But the best part of my life is the people in it. My husband, family and friends, new and old. And Campbell. The best part of my life, my world, is the people I love. That's what I look forward most to in the new year. Happier, healthier, stronger - myself and the people in my life. I want them to continue to be happier, healthier, stronger. That is my wish.
There's no "resolution" really to that wish. It's just my wish. I am who I am because of the people in my life. All of them. They've helped me get happier, healthier, stronger. And I only want the same for them.
Let us all look to the new year as a time of rebirth. We can all have our resolutions, things we want to improve upon. And that's a wonderful thing. Whether we keep them or not. Whether we fail or not. The most important thing, in my opinion, is that we have them. That we WANT more for ourselves. We want better for ourselves. That we want more, better for the people we love?
No matter what happens to us during the year, each year I truly believe we DO become better and stronger. Not just because of those circumstances or situations. Or the people in our lives. But because of us. We have no other option than to grow. Even if we don't think we're growing, we are. Life makes us grow. And we should feel lucky every day that we are given that chance. To let life carry us.
Now I am 28. It has been more than one year since my LFS diagnosis. It's hard for me to say what I pictured myself to be like at 28. I don't know. All I know is that when I was a teenager I thought being 20 was SO old and that at 20 I would be SUCH an adult. Well, guess what? I'm 28 now and I really don't feel that adult-like. I feel like myself.
I always wondered what I would feel like when I got older. Like, would I still have the same hopes, dreams, visions and habits when I'm 30, or 40 or 80 - as I do now? Will crumbs still bother me, or will I still drink lots of coffee and wine, and love to buy shoes when I'm 80? Will I wear really chunky white sneakers when I'm 80? Or leopard high heels? Will I still like glitter nail polish? (I do now and I'm 28) Will I still watch Laverne & Shirley and Frasier? Will I still start lots of books but never finish them? Will I still write? Will I still really hate housework?
Each year those questions change slightly but they all center around a common theme: will I still FEEL like ME? I know I'll always BE me, but will I still FEEL like me? And what will that mean?
I have yet to discover an answer. And I'll only know when I get there. I kept imagining I would just change into some "adult" or something by now. Like all of a sudden. Once day I'd wake up and be an adult. And I guess I am. I'm married with a dog and I cook and we're building a house and I have a job and I mingle with other "adults" and wear classy black dresses. So I'm an "adult." But I don't feel like one. I still feel like me. I think I'm starting to get my answer. Yes, I'll always FEEL like myself. Life will change and my body will change and the years will keep going and the calendar will circle but I think I'll always FEEL the same. Like ME.
So, with that being said, happy 28th to me! I've never felt better!
And now, some pictures from the end of 2012!

28th birthday! Mimosa before my facial, mani and pedi!

Birthday dinner with Melissa

Celebrating my birthday with my guys :)

Birthday dinner with hubby

Our pictures are in the winter 2012 PA Breast Cancer Coalition newsletter!



Fitness focused! Completed a 5 mile run in 2012, going for 6+ in 2013!



It was sunny

I know it's been a few weeks since I've posted, but last night I had a really meaningful dream that has inspired me to write.

I'll start at the end of the dream because that's what I remember most. I was walking along a path. It was warm and sunny out, and windy. It was perfect weather, in my definition. I was walking among a group of people. I wasn't walking IN the group; there were people in front of me and people behind me and I was walking alone. When I started walking I had a scarf or bandana or something wrapped around my head because I didn't have hair. I remember being very much aware of both of the cancers I had: Leukemia and breast cancer, and those were the reasons I didn't have hair and was wearing the head covering. And then as I was walking, I either realized, or remembered, or it just became clear, that I DID have hair. It was short (just long enough to move out of my face) but I had it. So I took off my head covering, and my hair was blowing in the wind as I continued walking in the sun and the heat. I remember feeling, very clearly, the sun on my body and the wind through my hair. And I was walking forward, moving forward.

And that's what I remember.

To me, when I took that head covering off I was freeing myself of my past health issues and moving forward into the light and the heat, two of my favorite things and feelings. Light and heat.

That head covering, which I took off (and I guess tossed on the ground), was me saying I was done and I am moving forward.

To me, it means I truly believe my cancer fights are over and they are not coming back.

As I've been talking with Dr. Kelly these past few weeks I have come to learn about a bunch of different “coping mechanisms,” if you will, that I'm doing. I'm still very much in the reshuffling phase: me trying to find peace, yet control, in a life of calm, a life after the storm, a life AFTER the breast cancer and AFTER the wedding.

To (possibly subconsciously) regain “control” or a sense of control, as Dr. Kelly calls it, I have been adding new things to my life and doing new things and looking for new things. Nothing extreme like skydiving or risky behavior or anything out of the ordinary. But the things I thought I was doing to “maintain my health,” etc., (and which ARE healthy behaviors) are actually ways for me to have a sense of order in the absence of the previous order (breast cancer while planning my wedding while six surgeries while being diagnosed with LFS.)

So, I've taken up new “habits,” such as drinking warm water with lemon and cayenne pepper first thing in the morning. Or swearing off gum and instead chewing fennel seeds after a meal. Or yoga. (OK, that doesn't count because I LOVE yoga and have wanted to get back into it forever, and my mom finally made that happen with a gift card for my birthday to a local yoga studio!)

I've also been “looking” for “medications.” I'm back on Ambien, as per Dr. Kelly, but have been searching for new ways to medicate myself now that I no longer have Ativan, etc. So I found Valerian Root and am doing all sorts of research on herbal remedies and all this stuff.

So while all of these things may seem small and like no big deal (I have my reasons for the morning lemon cayenne pepper drink and the fennel seed; these health habits have decades of credibility), they may be me searching for something to feel a sense of order and sense of control.

Which is ironic. I've learned that the mind doesn't always make sense. Because I’ve said, probably a million times, I would do anything to live a NORMAL life (especially the past two years.) No, I didn't want to get breast cancer and deal with that while planning my wedding. I had all of that anxiety which created a sense of control. No, I didn’t WANT that anxiety and I didn’t WANT that sense of control, but I had it. And now that I don’t, it is only natural for me to look for it.

Dr. Kelly thinks all things will even out with time, and I won't be “looking” forever. But now I know there is no such thing as a “normal” life and I wouldn't take back, even for a split second, what I went through last year and this year, because it made me who I am today and it will continue to shape me as my life moves forward.

I thank G-d every day I am healthy enough to take yoga (my first class was 1.5 hours and I did it!), run 2-5 miles a week and lift weights. I can see my chiropractor again, and had my first hot stone massage with a girlfriend last week. AND I LAID ON MY STOMACH AND IT WAS FINE!

I am so lucky, so blessed, I am healthy and that my life is moving forward. In a few days I'll turn 28, which also marks one year since my LFS diagnosis.

I am healthy and I am happy and I am blessed that I have the chance, with no restrictions and no limitations, to continue to make myself healthy and happy. I can continue to heal and regain my strength. And maybe with that will come the sense of control I am so desperately searching for. Or maybe not. But today I am thankful I can do whatever it is I feel I need to do to find a sense of control, whether it's cayenne pepper or fennel seeds or exercise or whatever. G-d helped me get healthy again so I can build myself up again. And what better time than now?