Two months! (Lots of smiles, lots of curly hair)

One of Adele's new dollies

Adele is two months old today! I can barely remember when we first brought her home from the hospital, skinny legs and all; she barely opened her eyes. Today she is a bubbly baby! She smiles, she "speaks" (mostly "gah" and "bah"), she grabs her ring toys on her baby mat, she bops her head around. She had her two-month checkup on Monday and she was 12 pounds, 4 ounces and 23 inches long, which is 75th percentile for both height and weight. So she is growing and she is thriving, and every morning when I see her face it is glowing. Her eyes are bright and her cheeks are plump, almost like the just had the best sleep of her life. Every morning. A glowing face.

That's not to say we don't have our crying and fussy days (me too). She is just the most beautiful baby. Huge cheeks, curly hair, flailing arms and legs and enormous smiles.

Every day is a reward. Every day is a new journey.

Sean's staff at the Schreyer Honors College threw us a beautiful baby shower for Adele, and we continue to receive the most beautiful and thoughtful gifts. Our friends and family, near and far, have given their hearts to Adele. They love her fully. They have helped provide the most beautiful and loving home for her with the most beautiful and thoughtful gifts.

We are so grateful. We are so thankful.

We continue to learn and to embrace. I am a Mommy-In-Training. Some things are getting easier. Some days I still cry at frustration and shock - that we were thrown into this with little time to prepare. That our worlds were turned upside down. I ALLOW myself to feel that way without feeling guilty. Dr. Kelly told me it's important for me to embrace ALL of my feelings without guilt. I can feel frustration. I can feel like my world has shifted. I can feel panic and I can feel stress. I am allowed. Because none of that takes away from the blessing that is Adele.

I am allowed each and every one of my feelings, and none of them should be accompanied by guilt. All of these feelings are normal. At first I didn't allow myself to feel frustration because I thought it meant I wasn't grateful for Adele. Or that I shouldn't feel anything negative because we adopted. Adoption or not, blessed or not, I am STILL a new mommy and I am STILL allowed all of the emotions of "regular" mommies.

At Adele's baby shower! While we ate pizza and cake, Adele was passed around and admired :)

Best cake ever! Thanks, SHC!

Adele is the brightest light in our lives. And I am allowing myself to feel it all, experience it all. The joy, the terror, the panic, the happiness, the glory. 

Letting myself feel the negative emotions as well as the positive ones has been freeing for me. Some days I want to snuggle her and never let go. Some days I want to get away. Some days I just want to sleep. Some days I wonder how we did this and how we're doing this. 

But we are. We're doing it. And we're loving it. And we have this beautiful bubbly daughter who is growing right before our very eyes. And I smile at her and I laugh when she smiles at me. And I look into her eyes and sometimes I cry because she's so perfect and so beautiful and such a gift. And it's hard to let myself feel all of it. Those feelings will come. Because honestly I think I'm still in shock that this happened. I'm still in shock that two months ago we brought home this baby.



I went to the winery with Karishma (who came to visit!) and some girlfriends last weekend. New mommies, especially, need their time away with the girls!



And she is our baby. And I'm still understanding that I'm a mother. And I'm still learning to allow all of the feelings. And I'm still figuring it out. And that's OK.

There's no rule book. That's the most exciting thing of all.

 

Our good friend Lauren took some professional photos of Adele, myself and Sean at the Arboretum on Penn State's campus last weekend. They were our first professional photos with Adele. We can't wait to see them! (Here I'm just having fun!)

At the Arboretum

There's no right or wrong in learning it all and even embracing it all - the good and bad emotions. I have time and I will allow myself time to let my feeling and emotions fall into place.

Again, I can't believe we're doing it. But we are. We're already doing it.



Lauri and Dan's wedding, Sean's first Father's Day and Adele's Reston debut



All dolled for a summery winery wedding!

 Mazel to Lauri and Dan on a gorgeous winery wedding this past weekend in Leesburg, VA! Pics to follow: the wedding, Sean's first Father's Day/a meet-Adele party my mom hosted at her house in Reston on Sunday where my grandmother, aunt and uncle, cousins and friends got to meet Adele for the first time!

Here comes the beautiful bride!

Mr. and Mrs.!

Lauri has been a good friend since college, and I was honored to share in her special day!



Happy first Father's Day, Sean!

I made him this card :)

My mom (aka Grandma Ruth) hosted a great party in celebration of Adele!

With my brother Drew and Dan



Now introducing for the first time, GREAT GRANDMA Martha! :)



Written on May 29, 2014: Why it was always Adele

A gorgeous pink bear from Nanci!

Before Sean and I were even married (or maybe even before we were engaged) we decided if one day we have a daughter, her name would be Adele Chaya.

A boy’s name? Never crossed our minds. Not even after we began the adoption process. Not even after we were chosen and told it was a girl but sometimes the doctors are wrong. We never came up with a boy’s name. (We got lucky)

Adele: no, not after the singer. To us, the name is beautiful. It is old-fashioned yet current. It is timeless. It is simple yet fancy. And it rhymes with “my belle.” The A is after Sean’s grandfather Abraham.

Chaya: “Chai” in Hebrew means “life.” There are many variations on Chaya in Hebrew. We liked this one and thought it made perfect sense. We wanted to incorporate our religion, its language and our heritage into our daughter’s name and thought “to life” fit perfectly. Because to us, life means everything. Life IS everything. My name in Hebrew means “to light.” The C/H is after Sean’s grandfather Herman.

As a gift for my wedding, my in-laws Becky and Jeff presented me with a beautiful necklace, which I wear every day and never take off. It is three gemstones placed diagonally and surrounded by a diamond-encrusted tear drop: my birthstone, Sean’s birthstone and a diamond in the middle.

Adele was born in April. April’s birthstone is a diamond.

And now come the tears as I write this: it was always Adele.

G-d always knew.

The necklace, already with my birthstone and Sean’s birthstone, and right there in the middle, a diamond placed ever so beautifully, waiting for Adele to come into our lives. And now I have our family in my necklace.

And some days are harder than others as a new mommy. And I constantly wonder if I’m doing the right thing. But then I remember: all I have to do is love her and the rest will come.

We loved her as soon as we got the call. And the first time we held her in the hospital she melted into our arms.

Those big brown eyes. That black hair that curls up around the ears. My kisses drown in her pillowy cheeks.

 G-d knew we could do this and we would be ready for this. He knows a lot more than we do. He knew about Adele before we did.  

Written on May 28, 2014

An email to friends and family:

We can't believe Adele is already one month old! (As of May 26) She is doing beautifully! The doctor has been very impressed with her. She shined at both her newborn visit and her two-week visit, and the doctor doesn't want to see her back until she is two months old! She loves to eat and be held. She is growing and thriving amazingly, and the little milestones we see each day are breathtaking!

Now she has begun using the playmat and stares up at the creatures hanging below. She also uses her baby mirror and boppy pillow (she's great at tummy time already and has amazing neck control!). She has been making eye contact really well and holding our fingers when we feed her. She even holds her pacifier herself! She is a smart girl and we are so impressed at her accomplishments each day!

 We feel blessed so many of you have been able to meet her already, and are looking forward to more of you meeting her soon!

 As you may know, our 30 day period will be up soon. After June 1 the birth mother can no longer change her mind. (A huge weight will be lifted for us that day!) After June 1, we can begin the process of making Adele legally ours. This could take anywhere from 6-9 months. (It involves two more post-placement visits and a court date, as well as some other things.) After she is legally ours we will be able to share pictures digitally! Unfortunately, nothing online (email, text, social media, blog) before then.

As of June we will begin to distribute printed photographs of Adele. We will be bringing them to family events, etc., so people can choose which pictures they'd like. And if you happen to come see Adele within the next few weeks just ask me for a photo! We are also happy to mail photos if you send me your address!

 Thank you all for your continued love and blessings as we move forward with this process. Adele is an absolutely joy and there are no words to describe our love for her, and how it feels to see her flourish and develop every day. She is truly a beautiful little baby and such a blessing.

So please look out for printed photographs soon, and if you want one, request one! Thank you again! I am hoping you can meet our little girl soon!

Friends and family have overwhelmed us with love and ADORABLE clothes for our little one!

Team Pink and Pearls' Arbonne fundraiser

I want to thank everyone who came to Team Pink and Pearls' Arbonne fundraiser this past Saturday! Orders are still being processed and you can STILL shop Arbonne online to benefit the team! The deadline to order is June 14.

Follow the link at the bottom of the post. RSVP to the event, then click "shop online" at the bottom. It will take you to the Arbonne website. In the top left corner it should say "Tour de Pink fundraiser; Host: Marjorie Miller." Order before June 14 to benefit the team!




Thanks to our hosts Holly and Sandy for putting on a great spa party!

Click here to shop! Proceeds benefit Team Pink and Pearls!

Adele's nursery

I want to sincerely thank our friends and family who helped us put together a beautiful pink and lambs nursery in record time for Adele. You all came together and helped piece it together bit by bit. I still have some work to do, but it is more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. Thank you again, to everyone who contributed to make Adele’s room beautiful, calm, peaceful, inviting, colorful and stimulating.

The beautiful clothes, the activity play mat, the lamb swing, the furniture, the lamb mobile, the books, the toys, the stuffed animals, the lights, everything. Thank you all, truly, for your love and generosity.

The Little Lamb was my favorite book growing up

The lamb mobile is just darling!

The view (we still need to buy curtains!)

The closet is growing! (She will catch up to me in no time!)

Written on May 21, 2014

Written on May 21, 2014

10 more days until we can make an announcement. But people won’t be seeing pictures of Adele on the internet for 6-9 more months. THIS IS KILLING ME AND HARDER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

It’s May 21 today and the birth mother has until May 31 to change her mind. After that time, even though we can’t post or share pictures of Adele, at least I can mention her. At least I can share pictures of the nursery. At least I can share pictures of her beautiful clothes and books and toys. I just want people to know: it could be another 6-9 months before you see Adele online.

If you give me your address I will mail you a picture. But nothing online. It’s hard to constantly explain that to people, that even after the 30 days, you still can’t see Adele. Come visit the house, FaceTime, whatever. We are getting visitors almost every day and I am FaceTime’ing friends and family multiple times a day. I want the world to see my gorgeous angel.

And it’s not like we’re worried about the birth mother changing her mind. It’s just the rules. She has 30 days. After the 30 days she can’t change her mind. What if we make an announcement and she changes her mind? That’s our thought process.

But I guess none of that matters. It’s about me being home with her all day. It’s about our time together, her as a newborn, me as a learning, growing new mother.

The little milestones, like her looking in the baby mirror or grabbing my finger when she has her bottle. I’ll never forget these precious moments. It’s so hard though, because we haven’t SET on this yet. This isn’t final. Not the baby that’s been living in our house since April 28. Not the pink and lamb nursery. Not the Amazon registry. Not the family and friends who have visited and brought her gifts and just love her more than words could describe. Nothing is SET.

Yet we love her and move forward and live with her and prepare our lives with her. I’m still not understanding the strength of adoptive parents. This is the hardest thing we’ve done (by choice.)

I can’t just enjoy being a new mom and I can’t just enjoy these precious newborn moments and I can’t just be tired and stressed and tense over caring for a newborn. I have to be tired and stressed and tense going through the adoptive process. Of making sure her photo stays off the internet. I can’t JUST BE a new mom and can’t JUST HAVE a baby.

Or can I? And should I? Am I doing it wrong? Am I wrong to not want to do this in secret, in silence?

As I told Dr. Kelly, when we decided to pursue adoption, we chose to not have a choice. We chose this large black boiling pot where we just threw in our decisions and choices. We chose not to have a choice. When she would be born, if and when she would be ours, who she would be, what she would look like, and WHEN. When she would come into our lives and how.

We chose to give up choice.

And sometimes I cry when she cries because I’m so frustrated.

And sometimes I’ll have headaches that last two days.

And sometimes I’ll be amazed that I’m a mom and how good of a job I’m doing.

And sometimes I’m shocked at how not upset I am that our kitchen is chaotic.

And sometimes I know her eating schedule and how much to feed her and when, and just when I thought I’ve figured it out, it all changes. And bottles are wasted. Bottles are washed and bottles are wasted. And when I think she wants 2 oz she wants 4. Or 1. I never have it right.

And sometimes she lays on my chest early in the morning and it is the best feeling in the world, her breathing on me, her tiny little soft black hairs tickling my neck and chin. And her arms extend around me and she breathes so deeply, like my chest is the only place she wants to be in the world.

And sometimes I cry because I’m so tired. And sometimes I cry because I don’t know why I’m crying. And sometimes I cry because I’m happy. And sometimes I cry because we still have 10 days of this.

And sometimes I cry because I shouldn’t be waiting until May 31. But who could blame me? Who could blame me?

Since April 13 life as I’ve known it has changed. There’s being a new mom. There’s caring for an infant for the first time. There’s the learning and the exhaustion and the doubt and the love. And there’s the adoption process. And there’s the rules. And who could blame me?

All I know, and all that matters, is that it was always Adele. She is our meant to be. She is G-d’s gift for us, G-d’s perfect little plan, one we could have never guessed or imagined or prepared for. G-d knew all along.

He knew, as soon as we had the new house and as soon as I was healthy and as soon as Sean was training for Tour de Pink and as soon as I was training for my first half marathon and as soon as we had our careers in full swing and our travel plans made and as soon as that trip to Ireland was booked in August and soon as we were “definitely not ready” he gave us Adele.

It’s that choice, those choices, we threw into a pot to be handled by someone other than ourselves. Some higher power. We threw them in, knowing full well the journey that lay before us. Or not knowing full well, but knowing it would be hard. Knowing it would be a journey. But that our stone would find its place on our path.

And some way, somehow, it was always Adele.

And these days, these 30 days, and these next 6-9 months and these court dates and these post-placement visits. They don’t matter. We have a daughter. She is home with us.

And I’m a mom.

I can’t believe I’m a mom. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I can’t believe it was always Adele.