A great moment to live in (& final surgery scheduled!)

I titled this post with an exclamation point because it's really exciting that not only am I having my final surgery, but it's scheduled!
I will be getting my dreaded expander taken out (YES!) and my implants put in (on both sides) on Oct. 27. That is a little more than a month away. In expander time that feels like 10 million years. In the big scheme of life, it is nothing!
Just like with all my other surgeries, once they're on the calendar they become real, no matter how far away. Now I can finally visualize the end of all this, whatever doubts, fears or anxieties I have stored in the back of my mind about the future and my health in the future. But with this, the end is in sight. At the end of next month I'll have my permanent implants. And once I heal from that surgery and can go on my merry way, life will have moved in a little bit, and will continue to do so each day that goes by.
Dealing with the expander becomes slightly more tolerable (notice I say "slightly") knowing that it is coming out and that it is scheduled to come out. Driving to work in pain, sleeping in pain, sneezing in pain - those things are still terrible and devestating, but if I can remind myself, as they're happening, that they are temporary, I can cope a little bit better. So that's what I'm doing. Living each day as fully as I can, but always reminding myself the thing that's keeping me from living without pain (and sometimes despair caused by that pain) is coming out soon. Things will be changing soon. So the best way to wait for those changes is to do what I've been doing: keeping busy, making plans and looking to the future.
In other news (I like saying that phrase because I often dream of myself as a news anchor with a pink skirt suit and bob haircut), today (September 15) marks a special occasion.
Today is the one year anniversary of me joining Weight Watchers. (Sean joined with me only a week or so later).
As much as I am going to sound like a commercial saying this, it's true and this is my blog so I'm going to say it anyway. The program changed my life. Since this day a year ago I've lost some 50 pounds and changed my lifestyle and eating habits. I have tracked (written down) everything I've ever eaten for the past year. (Except for a day or two following my surgeries but I think that's allowed because I got right back to it as soon as the Percocet wore off and I could think again.)
I'm so proud of myself for not only losing weight and improving my health (less migraines, no more heartburn, less stomach aches, etc.), but for changing the way I look at food and eat food. First of all, I never EVER thought I could, at the age of 26, be the same jeans size I was in high school, or that I could ever be a "thin" person. I've never been "fat," or at least I don't think so. Sometimes I considered myself average, or something curvy, but never really large. But before Weight Watchers I was unhappy with myself. I wanted to change for ME. I wasn't feeling good and it was a struggle each day to get dressed because I felt nothing looked good on me and nothing fit right. Anyway, I could go on for like 17 hours (I could be a Weight Watchers spokesperson with J. Hud!) about how I eat healthier, feel amazing, and have never once deprived myself. But I won't. You get the idea. The program was and is life-changing for me, so today I'm celebrating one year of making a huge change in my health. It's possible, that because I lost weight on Weight Watchers, I might have found my lump sooner. And I truly believe being at a healthier body weight and having better eating habits overall helped me heal faster from my surgery. I say all the time how when I was diagnosed with breast cancer I was the healthiest I'd ever been in my whole life - running marathons and eating apples. :) Thank you to Weight Watchers for that. This journey might have been a little rougher had I been 50 pounds heavier.
Sean's also lost about 50 pounds and I am so incredibly proud of him. He's gone from French fries to apples, snacks on grapes for dessert, and can run 10 miles any given day, which is "no big deal" to him. He's improved his health now, and because of this, will continue to be a healthier adult. I want him around for as long as absolutely possible (can you get to at least 100, darling?) so thank you, again, Weight Watchers. I think of us as a power couple - with our egg whites and tracking. We want to be healthy for us and for each other, and for the future, because there's a lot coming up. There are some many diseases we can't control (hi, cancer, I'm thinking of you), so why not try to prevent the ones we think we can? Diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol. Being a now two-time cancer survior I want to treat my body (as everyone should, cancer or not), like a sacred temple. I want to keep it as fine-tuned as I can. That's not to say I exercise every day, because I don't. Or that I don't drink wine, because I do. Or that I don't eat ice cream, because I do. But I've learned the meaning of moderation, and I've learned that a healthy diet overall is what's important: fresh fruit and vegetables daily, plenty of water, whole grain and whole wheat for fiber, lean meat for protein and low fat or fat-free dairy. I always eat breakfast, eat fruit first if I'm craving chocolate, drink my coffee black, have my dressing on the side, avoid anything fried, and when I have wine, order it nice and red and dry, and limit it to one glass. (I say "try!")
So, enough about Weight Watchers. (I told you I could go on forever!) Let's talk about the wedding! The countdown is at less than 200 days! That's less than 7 months but more than 6. (See the countdown at the top of my blog for an exact number.) I get so excited when I get emails from TheKnot or other wedding sites I've joined or registered at when they say, at the top of the email: "Marjorie, only xxx days to go! Time to do xxx!"
One site recently told me it was time to get my veil and shoes. Oh my! Not quite there yet, but I HAVE ordered my "after" back-up shoes, which (if worn) will be done so after the wedding ceremony, and maybe even well into the reception. They are ballet flats (via David's Bridal) but the color and other details will be kept a secret. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to get two pairs of heels in addition. I know I'll need at least one really nice pair to walk down the aisle in and have on for most of the wedding. That pair can be fancy, schmancy and high to the sky. There are no limits with that pair. Comfort not considered. But a second heel? A lower heel for when the first pair comes off but I'm not quite ready to put on ballet flats? Good idea? I think so. An in-between shoe, if you will. A lesser heel than for the ceremony, but more than the flats. Something gorgeous, of course.
The two next big steps are hiring a photographer and videographer, and ordering the invitations. (Then stuffing them.) And then, two or so months later, we'll be into the details: scheduling our tasting, picking out rings and a Ketubah, and me having my "trial run" hair appointment. And then, even littler details: the guest book, wedding programs, out-of-town gift bags. It's really, really, really coming!
These next few weeks are going to be super fun: football games, a bridal shower, a "Martini Partini" we're hosting, Sean's birthday dinner, etc. Fun plans are happening. This is good. It will keep me busy until the end of October! But I'm not only "waiting" until October; I've got to remember to live it all up. Life doesn't stop while I'm waiting. So yes, I'm counting down until my surgery, but I also want to live in this moment, because it's a great moment to live in.
Je t'aime!
Marjie

*Up top: photo from our Mary Kay makeover night!

The best of us

I have to admit, I read a lot of articles online about breast cancer: research news, treatment advacements, and possibly the most upsetting and yet inspiring, other survivor stories.
Most of the time I am outraged at what breast cancer does to people, at what these women and their families are forced to go through. I am especially outraged when I read about young women like myself dealing with breast cancer. They're in their 20s or 30s, are pregnant, or have young children, or perhaps are just starting college and aren't even married yet. Yet they have to face this debilitating illness that will maybe rob them of one or both breasts and their fertility. What outrages me the most is that there's nobody to blame. When you read about anybody getting cancer you want to be mad FOR them. You want to scream out loud for the young boy or girl who undergoes, every day, toxic treatments because they have cancer and are forced to miss school, or the families of someone who lost a loved one to cancer, or the woman with the breast cancer who doesn't have a choice but to get rid of her breasts.
With cancer there's nothing and nobody to blame. That's because it doesn't discriminate. We don't know who will get cancer, or why, or when. Most cancers we don't know how to prevent, and even the ones we do (or think we do) know how to prevent, still attack people. Innocent people. All the time. For reasons we don't understand.
That last statement has been particularly trying for me as I attempt to grasp the fact that I've had cancer twice before the age of 26. I've already talked about how life isn't fair, and I've gone through my stages at being mad at the world and coming to grips with reality. I've already established that this isn't fair and I have every right to be mad and anxious and paranoid. Over the past few months I've worked hard to reach a new level of acceptance and to actually use my experiences in a positive way, such as this blog. But what I'm having trouble with is WHY. Why to all of it. Why me, and why any of us? Why now? Why ever?
I don't think anyone will ever be able to accept cancer and what it does to us, and for me, especially, it's maddeing, really, to be mad when there's nothing in particular to be mad at.
I've gone through moments of being mad at people who have never been touched by cancer and are ignorant to its affects. And them I remind myself that not only has everyone been touched by cancer in some way, I wouldn't wish this dreaded disease on anyone.
Sometimes I get mad at doctors and scientists and researchers for not figuring out what causes cancer. And then I remember that without them, we wouldn't be alive. They save our lives, every day.
And then I get mad at the media for not talking about breast cancer in young women. But then I remember without the media, we wouldn't get to read about research, treatment advancements and other survivors. We wouldn't learn about medicine the way we do, or be able to reach out to others in the same situation as ours.
I know the real answer isn't to be mad, because even if there was someone or something to blame for breast cancer and all other cancers, would that make anything better? Of course not.
We'd still be sick and we'd still fight and we'd still cry, whether or not we've got someone to blame. The truth is, if we had something or someone to blame for cancer, we'd probably focus on blaming that thing or person and being angry at that thing or person instead of challening ourselves to possibly the toughest task of all: looking deep inside ourselves to find solace in even the most terrible times, and to use cancer - one of the most gruesome and grueling mysteries of life - to inspire ourselves and others.
I think one of my life's biggest challenges is to turn negatives into positives. We all talk about that. We all mention making lemons into lemonade. But this is deeper than that. I have to challenge myself, every single second of every day, to find the good in things, and as hard as it may be, to not be mad, because it's a waste of time and energy. I can easily pinpoint the amazing things in my life: Sean, my upcoming wedding, my AMAZING, incredible and supportive friends and family, my job (most of the time), my health (otherwise), my passion, my love. I recognize all these things. But the challenge is to not only recognize them, but to fit breast cancer into the picture somehow. Sometimes breast cancer is a part of me but not all of me. Sometimes it's all of me. Sometimes it knocks me down. Sometimes it makes me mad. Sometimes I use it to inspire and reach out to others. Sometimes it's a "bump in the road." Sometimes I feel I can move on from it. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I think it is making me stronger. Sometimes I think I don't want to have a reason to be stronger.
No matter what, it's there. It's everywhere. All over the world. Knocking down people and their families and friends. I think of cancer like a dodgeball: red and a little dirty from being hit around in the dust. I see it knocking over people, sometimes fast and sometimes slow. It's fast because you don't know it's coming. And it can be slow because sometimes you don't know it hit you. People of all ages.
But then I picture these people getting back up again because, really, they have no choice. They may be mad, like me, but then, like me, they come to the realization that there's nothing in particular to be mad at. They know that being mad is a natural reaction, but they also know that deep down inside, being mad is not what they want to be. So instead they fight, internally or externally, or both. They fight in a million different ways. Sometimes fighting means challening yourself to not be mad at something you can't control.
Sometimes these people survive cancer and sometimes they don't. But in my opinion, they're always, always getting back up again from the big hit with the red ball.
That's because there's no one way to get back up after cancer knocks you down. You do it in your own way.
So when I read about these other cancer survivors, I am allowed to be angry for them, but that shouldn't be the focus of my emotions. I should be inspired by them. If they're all getting back up, I can too. If they can do it without anger, I can too.
Yes, cancer knocks us down. It gets the best of us. By "the best of us" I mean our spirit, our light. But the wonderful thing about humans is that even though that red ball is scary and fast, humans are bigger, better, stronger. We all hope and pray that if that red ball comes towards us, or our families or friends, that it only comes once. But if it happens to come twice, or more than that, let's not be angry at it. It's just a ball. Let's focus on ourselves. Let's dust off our jeans, even if covered in dirt and holes, and get right back up.
I'll turn my anger into energy. Energy to fight on the inside and out. On the outside to heal. I'll take good care of my body so I can recover fast from my next surgery. On the inside to help this cancer find a healthy place in my mind. To use it to become a better person. To use it not to generate anger, but to generate courage and strength for others. To recognize and understand no thing or person "did this" to me or to us. Use this cancer as a chance to do something wonderful.
Another part of my daily challenge to myself is to always, always look at the bigger picture. When I look at my bigger picture I see myself marrying, and spending the rest of my life with the man I was meant to be with. I see myself surrounded by family and friends and the most amazing, loving people in the world. I see myself a little bit better from all of this.
And when I look at the bigger picture, of all those touched by cancer, I see myself holding hands with people all across the world. Like one of those paper cut-outs of people you make in elementary school, that stretches across the cafeteria. Only this time we're not paper. We're people. And we're holding onto the best of us.

Wedding wonders and wows

Although my taste in clothing and accessories has always, for as long as I can remember, been about bright, bold colors and patterns, I find myself today leaning more towards vintage, classic and elegant pieces. As I'm planning my wedding, browsing Etsy and following wedding blogs, I am finding myself falling in love with everything vintage, feminine and delicate: pink roses, pearls, mirrored vanity trays, baroque picture frames, and pale pink and rose-printed tea cups. My vision for the wedding has always centered around my most favorite color, pink, but as it develops I'm finding more and more that my style and taste, for my wedding especially, is elegant and classy. I've always pictured myself as a fun and outgoing person whose parties and clothes are colorful and creative. Although that is still very much my personality, for my wedding I picture something more romantic. More dramatic. Much of the wedding remains a surprise. Five or less people have seen my wedding dress, and I choose to keep it that way. I want to create suspense. But more than that, my dress is special and sacred. I want it to be revealed only on the most special, beautiful day of my life. I look at pictures of it at least once a week, and trust me, it's really, really hard not to show my best friends and bridal party, but I know keeping it a secret until the day of is something I want to do. Also, I decided on my wedding-day perfume many months ago, but have probably only told two or three people. It's not like anyone would ever guess it. Most people have never even heard of it, and it was incredibly hard to find. But that's what makes it amazing.
It's hard to write about the wedding, not because I don't have any material (which I do, trust me!) but because I want most of it to be a surprise. I can't reveal my dress designer or my perfume, or even what I want my hair to look like. I've revelead the colors, though, but everything else, from the flowers to the food to the decorations to the centerpieces to the favors, and even the invitations, will be a surprise.
The list of what is done or planned already is growing, while the to-do list is shrinking. Because the big stuff is done, and mostly small stuff is left, it's easier for me to picture the event as a whole, and what it looks like to me so far is exactly how I would want it to be: romantic and dramatic. It's exactly how I would picture my big day.
Although 7 months is not that far away, and I'm sure the time will fly, the wedding still seems so far off: like this big, amazing thing in the future. I try to picture myself there, in my dress, taking pictures before the ceremony. Then I try to picture myself getting ready to walk down the aisle. Then I try to picture myself at the reception. It all seems so overwhelming to picture it now, and I'm sure on the day of it will be just as overwhelming, but in a good way. In a burst with happiness type of way.
Speaking of the small stuff that's left to do, it seems like I am "discovering" new small stuff and adding to our many ongoing lists. Like: do we need a cake topper? We have to talk to the caterer, who will provide the cake, and pick out the cake first, before determining if we'll have a cake topper. And what about music that we'll each walk down the aisle to? Have we picked that out yet? We'll meet with the Rabbi and discuss it with him, and then discuss it with our band.
We have a meeting set up with the Rabbi in a few weeks to talk about the Chupah (in which our florist will meet us there to discuss decorating the Chupah and sanctuary). And I'm sure we'll go over some last minute ceremony details. We've already met with him twice so much of the ceremony is already planned out. What about a guest book?
And although the bridal party has a salon booked for the day-of hair, nails and makeup, I still need to schedule a "trial run" but to do that, need to research what type of hair style I want. I've already begun thinking about how I want my makeup to be, and luckily, I won a free Mary Kay spa package night for brides-to-be so I can experiment with some colors and styles. And I'm am bringing five girlfriends with me. I can't wait!
Like making lists are a way of live to me as breathing is, lists have helped ... tremendously. I've got a good one going, complete with a countdown and what needs to be done when on TheKnot.com, but for my own lists, I need to focus on the big and work my way to the small. Our next big project is the invitations. Though picking them out will be fun, stuffing them will take about 15 years. And we need a photographer and videographer team, which Sean's parents are working on now. And we'll need to schedule the tasting and pick the cake and the China. And I need to get my bride "stuff" for the wedding, such as my multiple pairs of shoes, veil, garter, etc. Whew. So much stuff but it's so fun!
Looking at wedding blogs and magazines has been phenomenal. I get great ideas from them, but those ideas also inspire ideas of my own. I like to be consantly "in" or a part of the wedding-planning world. I like to be surrounded by wedding magazines. I like to have wedding blog updates in my email each morning. I even have a Spark set for the word "bridal" on my Google+ so I don't miss any recent articles or trends! I really love being engaged. Strangers are always ooh-ing and ahh-ing over the ring and asking about wedding details. I never, ever get tired of talking about the wedding. There's a constant glow to being engaged and planning a wedding. Especially if you love planning things, like I do. The glow is about being in this glowly, if you will, moment (I think of warm sunsets and cute birds) where you are both in and planning for not only the happiest day of your life, but the happiest rest of your life.
I also enjoy flipping through bridal magazines JUST to see if there are any pictures of dresses by my dress designer. Sometimes there are, but I'll NEVER, EVER see a picture of my dress in a magazine, and I'd like to keep it that way. That's because it's not trendy, or what everyone else is wearing this season. It's me and it's classic.
If I'm having fun now, just wait. It can only get better as it gets closer!
As I look at my desk next to me I see a Martha Stewart weddings magazine, from 2005, that a co-worker gave me. (I love it, thank you!) Just looking at it makes me happy. All of the details are still relevant and beautiful today: signature drink ideas, the bridal bouquet, cake and appetizers. I've even been inspired by a few ideas.
I'd like to soak this all in, every day. And I think I'm doing a pretty good job of that. It's actually overwhelming to describe to you (despite my attempts in this very post) about how much thought exactly I've been putting into the wedding, whether it has to do with me and my wedding perfume, or my bridal party gifts (or survival kits I am creating), or how the bathroom at the syngogue will look, or the itineraries I'm creating in pink folders with personalized sticker labels. The list goes on and on. I love every single second of it.

A clean bill

I had two doctor's appointments today: one with my breast surgeon as the 3-month check-up. She said everything looked good and I was expected back for my next visit (in which I'll have a clinical exam, mammogram and possibly MRI) in April! April! That's like 7 months away. That's amazing. I was expecting her to tell me to come back in December. But April! April is, as we all know by now, after the wedding! So it really, really, now, officially, now feels like I am DONE with this part - the treatment.
Then I went to my plastic surgeon's office to get my very LAST saline fill. They did 50 cc's. I'd like to believe I'm a "pro" at this by now, but I'm not. It's still painful, every day. At least the specific soreness and pain that came from today's fill should lessen over the next 2-3 days, and then I'll be left with the "usual" discomfort which I am somehow, someway, learning to live with.
My next visit to Hershey is in the beginning of October where I'll meet with my plastic surgeon to go over my implant choices. Until then I have to read a brochure about the specific implants I'm getting (silicone - or as they are called in the booklet: "memory gel") and then when I meet with him I'll have all the information to make an informed decision and sign a consent. I know it's part of the procedure, and probably some sort of law, that before anything is signed the patient has to know ALL about the implants, from the procedure to the healing to the complications, etc., and trust me, there are a lot ... A LOT of possible complications. But I am not getting these just for fun. (Although it will end up being fun, I'm sure.) I'm getting them because I lost a breast to cancer, so not having implants at the age of 26 is not.an.option.
I'm prepared for the possible complications and adverse effects of them. I'm a veteran now when it comes to bad health things happening to me. But I don't look at it that way. I look at it as this really is my only choice unless I want to live the rest of my life with one breast. And I don't. I'm prepared for this implant journey because I know the outcome will be beneficial to me.
So, if we're looking at my breast cancer timeline, which really, truly began in April, here's what's left:
1 consultation
1 surgery
That's IT! (We're hoping!) I'm still in the doubt/denial/scared/terrified/paranoid stage that something else could happen (a new breast cancer in the other breast) before the time of my next appointment, but I'm also working REALLY hard not to focus on that. I feel if we could JUST get to the wedding without any more cancer diagnosis I would be OK. You wouldn't think that's too much to ask, right? For me I feel it is.
I had an exam today with my breast surgeon on my left (unaffected) breast, and even an ultrasound but they didn't find anything "suspicious." Just fibroadnoma (spelling?) areas which apparently are normal and benign and are part of fibrosistic breast changes. Also, because I'm younger my breasts are a lot more dense (less fatty) than older women so every single teeny tiny thing shows up and is felt, and of course, my first instinct is that every teeny tiny lump or bump is cancer, no matter how small the risk. But if my doctor told me not to come back until April then I'm not going back until April. She knows more than me about this stuff, after all.
I have to admit, as much as it could have saved my life, found my cancer early and positively altered my treatment and prognosis, it is absolutely TERRIFYING to continue to do self exams. I advocate them for every woman because only a woman knows her own body the best. But finding that lump last April while doing a self exam was nothing short of traumatizing. And because doing a self exam helped my case so much I vowed to myself I'd always do them. And I believe I always will. I think after having breast cancer you can't NOT make yourself do them. But it never, ever, EVER makes it less scary, no matter what your chances are of getting breast cancer again.
My biggest fear is that I'll find something before the wedding and have to go into the doctor before the April appointment. I fear they'll want to do a biopsy. And then I fear it will be something. I know those chances are low, and I know I can't run away from my fears, which in this case would mean avoiding feeling my breasts at all costs for the rest of my life. However silly or terrible it sounds, I want a "cushion" between now and the wedding. I basically just got a clean bill of health from my doctor, and my implant surgery is forthcoming. I want a stage, of just the next 6 months, where I can focus entirely on the wedding and not be in Breast Cancer Ville.
Yes, I'm relieved today's appointment went well, and I was really relieved to hear the margins were clean. And I am extremel relieved to know that my doctor doesn't want to see me until April. But now I'm scared and feel like my health lies in my hands, which I guess it kind of always has.
The hardest part is now: do I continue to do self exams every month and possibly save my own life again, G-d forbid, should something else happen? Or do I not do self exams because my mental state is well, paranoid, and I will literally freak out about every single thing I find, whether it's cause to freak out or not. I already lost many nights of sleep and had my mind wander when it's not supposed to be wandering, because I've been thinking about breast cancer in the other breast, or if what I felt was normal, etc. I literally, and I've said this before, CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS. In constant fear and worry, I mean. But I guess like I said before, that's no reason to completely avoid taking care of yourself. I think I need to challenge myself to find a place where I'm doing breast exams because they helped me tremendously once, but I'm only doing them once a month, and I'll try not to be scared when doing them, but I still think that's a far, far way off. I'll probably always, always be scared because I was the one (me) who found the first one. Yes, it was good and it could have really, really saved me. So how can I be mentally prepared to continue to do these exams when they are terrifying?
I've asked doctors and nurses what exactly to look for, and they all tell me the same thing: you're not necessarily looking for a lump or bump, but any type of change. Even though I know what the first cancer felt like, it doesn't make doing this any easier. I still don't know everything and am still scared.
So today there is no solution. I think I'll just be scared. And if something happens between now and the wedding, then something happens between now and the wedding. Like I said in a previous post, being scared or not scared isn't going to effect the outcome you can't control. What will happen will happen, and I just need to accept that I might be scared for a while, or forever.
But my breast cancer surgeries are over, pathology shows all cancer is out of me, so we can breathe. I just have one more surgery to go, which is cosmetic/reconstructive. I can definitely see the end of this more clearly now.
I got a clean bill of health today, and I'll take that and focus on that. I'll focus on that. One day at a time, right?

Wedding, wine, fragrance and fashion

I loved doing last month's wedding, wine, fragrance and fashion post which focuses on the things I love in the aspects of life I love. Thus, I have begun a monthly tradition. Here is this month's. Enjoy!

September edition

wedding.fashion.wine.fragrance.reading.coffee.
These are my melodies of life.

Coffee thing: Maxwell House
It really IS "good to the last drop." But that's not why I love it. I love it because it tastes good (nice and strong, which is how I like it), and it's consistent. You always get a good cup (or two or three) out of it, no matter what. It's always there for you, the way coffee should be.

Reading Thing: Cancer Schmancer by Fran Drescher
I've always loved Fran. I loved her in The Nanny ("Mistaaahhh Sheffffield!"), and now I love her in Happily Divorced. I love everything she stands for. She's beautiful and Jewish (those are my first two reasons! Just kidding...kinda), but she's also real. She's not afraid to be who she is, and she's honest. I know her book will inspire me.

Wine thing: Tempra Tantrum. I have to credit our friend Adam here for bringing over this wine. He has great taste, obviously, because now this wine rates right up there with Baron Herzog. So far I've only tried the Shiraz (which was PHEN.OM.EN.AL) but I can't wait to try the rest! Thank you, Mr. Duff, for bringing such joy into our home.

Fragrance thing: Vera Wang "Bouquet." I don't actually own this, but I considered it for my wedding, before, of course, I found "the one." This has gotten wonderful reviews. Do try!

Fashion thing: "I know what boys like" by Deborah Lippman. Love the color. So cute. So fall.


Wedding things: Gorgeous shoes for pre-wedding parties & pink roses! Although these won't be my wedding day shoes (via Heels.com), I am considering these, or something similar for my bachelorette party, bridal party or rehearsal dinner. They are the color pink that will be featured in the wedding, and I know I can put together a fabulous outfit with them. (Think LBD!) I ADORE these because they're very me: bright, bold and colorful. And the embellishments? OmiGawd. They look like roses to me, and after all, we'll have roses (all different shades of pink) at the wedding! Roses, similar to what we'll have at the wedding, are pictured below.





Dear friends: stay tuned for next month's wedding, wine, fragrance and fashion!

Love dearly,

Marjie

A body in motion

Yesterday I ran on the treadmill. Actually ran. With my expander. It was only for five minutes but it was running. And it was only the second time I'd done so since my breast cancer diagnosis. Like I've probably mentioned in previous posts, my plastic surgeon has not given me any physical limitations at this point. After a certain time period of having the expander, scar tissue forms around it, "locking" it in place and making it unlikely to move, so running is permitted. But considering walking and sneezing hurts me, I didn't think running would feel too good.
So to get my exercise I've been lifting weights, doing crunches, and when at the gym, either walking on the treadmill at an incline or riding the bike. But yesterday I was at the gym with Sean and I missed running. I had an urge to "break free" and let go. I had done my 25 minutes on the bike and was onto walking on the treadmill when I decided to give it a try. It was kind of like when I would forget about my expander and run up the stairs out of habit. Although, this time, I definitely didn't forget about my expander. I very much knew it was there. I just wanted my legs to feel free again. And it was quite amazing. Yes, it hurt. And it felt weird. I think I could feel the saline swishing inside of the expander and it felt tight and hard, and I almost felt like I had to hold onto it to keep it from moving. I could have gone so much longer had I not been in so much discomfort. I just wanted to run again, which I did, and it was cathartic.
I won't even call yesterday's trot on the treadmill a milestone. I'll call it "dealing" with my "new normals." Or, doing what I want, however unpleasant, despite my current situation.
I figure the only way to deal with and accept the expander for the next two months is to get used to it, as much as I possibly can. Sure, one can never get used to constant pain and discomfort. But if I am going to have this devil device inside of me until the end of October or beginning of November, I have to "live" with it. I've already been doing just that by going to work and making all of my social plans. Nothing has stopped. My outside life is the same. I do what I've always done. But running with with the expander was something I wanted to accomplish, because if I can run with it (the ultimate pain-inducing activitiy), I can deal with it.
On another note, I was at the dentist this morning for a regular cleaning, and at the end of the visit, scheduled my appointment for 6 months later. Six months later is ... March! And March is ... the month I'm getting married! That means time is actually moving along. When you start scheduling doctor's and other appointments around the time of your wedding that means your wedding is ON THE RADAR. People rarely schedule doctor's appointments a year or more out. But when they're 6 months out that means they're really coming up. Scheduling my next dental cleaning today for the month of the wedding was like reaching a new spot on the countdown. Like, my next dentist appointment will be the month of the wedding. It's really, really happening soon!

And, speaking of time moving forward, we had the first football game of the season this past weekend. We had a whole weekend of fun plans, actually! My uncle and cousin came in for the game. Friday night we had a wonderful dinner at Bonfatto's, followed by a trip to the Creamery. YUM! Then Saturday we were out of the house by 7 a.m. to begin tailgating. Our breakfast tailgate (done for noon games) was bagels, fruit, donuts and a cookie cake, which is still in the house and is still being eaten by me, despite my attempts to not eat it. After the game Saturday we went to Champs (an after-football-game-tradition) for an early dinner. Then we said goodbye to my family, and had some friends who came in for the game from Florida stay with us. We had a nice, relaxing evening of football watching, Shiraz drinking and iPhone game playing. Sunday Sean and I met some friends for coffee in the morning, then went to a friend's birthday party in the afternoon, and then at night went out to watch our friend perform in her band. It was their first gig and it was amazing! So much fun!
Then Monday, after the gym, we went out with some friends for burritos and margaritas to Mad Mex. Lots of fun plans, friends and family all weekend. And I'm ready for it to happen all over again this coming weekend!
We have friends or family coming in for every home game, so almost every weekend this fall our house is full, which is wonderful. Weekends without football are going to be filled with wedding planning, weekend trips, bridal showers and weddings. This fall, which is actually here now, is going to be full and fun, and full of fun. Maybe that will help pass the time until my implant surgery.
Even if I am having fun with friends, there is always a constant misery about living life currently with the expander in, and how unpleasant it is. But really, when it comes down to it, I have two choices. I can sit at home and "wait out" my time with the expander. I can sit on the couch because it's a lot less painful than going out with friends. Or, I can live my life how I normally would, had none of this happened. Yes, it hurts, but it's living. I can't exactly "wait away" this stage of my life, no matter how emotionally and physically painful and miserable it may be. Life doesn't get put on hold for this, and it shouldn't. True, I'm not going to push myself if I don't feel up to it, but I'm not going to waste away either. I'll do what I can as best as possible, all the time. So I think I'm learning that the best way to "live through" this is to do just that: live through it.

Not a fan of you, expander.

Many of my blog posts have been about my ongoing struggle to find hope and peace throughout this whole experience. And many of those posts do end on a positive, encouraging note, in which I feel I've learned something or come to some sort of conclusion. And while those posts do reflect my personal feelings and thoughts on a deeper, inner level, and while what I write is always 100 percent true to heart, I don't feel I've really touched on the physical pain I've felt since my mastectomy in May, and how it has impacted my life now.
I want to be honest with myself and my readers, and while what I write today may or may not change people's perceptions on how "strong" I am, I do want to write about it my actual physical pain because I feel it is a huge part of my daily struggle. Oftentimes, when I feel better or hopeful emotionally or mentally about this whole situation, it's the physical pain that weakens me and pushes me back down.

There are days when I'm literally in tears in the bathroom at work because my expander is so painful. There are days when I literally scream outloud as my 45-minute drive home from work comes to an end because my back and shoulders are twisted in pain from sitting in the same position for so long, and my seatbelt has been pushing down and putting pressure on my expander.
There are nights when I wake up in the middle of the night because I'm sick of sleeping on my back since May, and when I try to sleep on the side opposite my masctectomy side, the pressure from my expander is so intense it forces me to go back to sleeping on my back.
There are days when I get home from work and have to lay flat on my back on the floor for 15 minutes just to stretch out my neck and upper back.
I literally haven't been able to move freely, or stretch, since May. And by the time my expander is out and my silicone implants are in, it will have been about 6 months since I became this restricted, unable to move my back and shoulders, unable to stretch, unable to sleep or move without pain. Six months. SIX MONTHS. When I think about it I'm furious. Furious that for 6 months I will have not really been able to MOVE.
It's hard to explain to people the constant pain I feel from having the expander in. It literally hurts when I take deep breaths, move suddenly, sneeze. Because it's so tight I can't move freely and my neck, back and shoulders have been sore and in knots since May.
I have to constantly worry about bumping it, or someone else bumping into it for fear it will burst or get ruptured. It hurts ALL THE TIME. How can I explain to people that just moving is a constant struggle. Getting in and out of cars, carrying bags, carrying anything. It always hurts, all the time.
I don't want people to feel bad for me or treat me differently or more delicately; I simply want people to understand that it has never been easy, even 3 months after my mastectomy and even after I'm all healed up. The expander is terrible, just terrible. I know it's a safe and effective method to stretch the skin and muscle to prepare it for a permanent implant. I know the purpose of it. I know it will be good for me in the end. But it's really, really terrible.
I think people (mostly people I work with) expect me to feel "back to normal" since it's been so long since my mastectomy, and I think they are assuming that because my cuts have healed I have healed. But with the expander you are never fully "healed." Your skin is literally being stretched every day. You have a device, under your skin and muscle, that is always, always, always pulling on your body. And now that I have more feeling back in that area (after the surgery I was numb for many months), I can actually FEEL the expander. It's gross and disturbing. I can feel it bend and move under my skin and it freaks me out. I try not to touch it but sometimes it's unavoidable. Imagine having a large rock attached to your chest that bumps into you when you kneel to tie your shoe. Imaging hugging people with a rock on your chest. That's the only way I can describe it. The only thing that makes it somewhat bearable is knowing it will be out in two months. When I have my implant surgery date I will REALLY be able to rest a little easier knowing that I actually have a DATE it will be removed.
I want this thing out of me NOW.