Running on hummus and chocolate

Just as I set out to do, I conquered my first 10 mile run since March this past Sunday! I actually ran 10.25 miles in 1:32:51, making this my longest run in terms of both time and distance. Saturday I ran 7.5 miles, bringing my total mileage this past weekend to more than 17 miles. And it was cold this past weekend (in the 30s). And windy. And I trained with a lot of hills. And there were sometimes snow flurries. But I made it through and I feel even more ready for Dec. 7!

My appetite is SO weird while I'm training. Sometimes after a long run (6+ miles) I'll be really hungry the day after. And I crave the weirdest things. Usually hummus (since I started training) or chocolate. And I know I'm getting enough protein and iron because I eat fish and nuts and I put organic almond butter in my oatmeal every morning. The past few days the only food that's appealed to me is chocolate. Obviously I've been eating other things, but my usual cravings of fruit, and even fresh dates (gasp!) are kind of absent. I'm not really craving carbs, either, but have been kind of forcing myself to eat pasta, especially after yesterday's 10 miler. I wasn't hungry AT ALL (I was nauseous, really), but I had some leftover gnocchi in the fridge so I had that for lunch. Then I went to the winery with my girlfriends and had some pomegranate seeds and almonds and some fruit (and wine, duh), but nothing too heavy. Then for dinner we had some friends and their kids over so we ordered pizza. I need the energy for Adele, so even if I'm not hungry I eat. And this week, especially, with Sean in Texas until Thursday, it's just me and the baby and the dog, so working full time plus taking care of the baby all night and in the mornings I need to have my energy.

So my eating is weird. I am sure it will be back to normal after the race is over, but right now I want very, very specific things. Almond butter, chocolate and hummus are pretty much the only things that appeal to me right now. Usually I crave a lot of fruit (I normally eat 4-6 servings a day), but I feel now like I'm forcing myself to eat fruit. Also forcing salads.

I know my body and I am giving it what it wants. I am giving it almond butter and chocolate and hummus. And that's just how it is. I have to remind myself that while I've been a runner on and off since 2011, this training is all new to me, and the runs I've been doing since October are longer than any runs I used to do. Even when I was training for my 10 miler last March, the longest run I did up to that moment was about 8-9 miles. And prior to that, my "long" runs were 4-5 miles. Now, my "short" runs are 5-6 miles and my long runs are 10+ miles. So I have to remember this is all new to my body and my body has to adjust.

So I feel really good after this past weekend, and am planning hopefully two more 10+ mile runs before race day. I can definitely count on Thanksgiving morning being a good run day. That and 11/30. Everything in between, with football and holiday travel, will have to be shorter, 5-7 mile runs.

I love it. It's addicting. I will, though, WILL be happy when it's over. It's not that I'm nervous, I'm just a little tired so it will be nice to again fill my free time with sleeping instead of running.

A week from tomorrow is a big day for our family! I feel so incredibly blessed that so many friends and family are planning to join us for Adele's adoption. There will SO much to celebrate next week, starting on Tuesday and going into Thanksgiving.

Yesterday's run was a huge accomplishment for me. A huge milestone. There are lots of those coming up, too. Next Tuesday for Adele's adoption ceremony. My first half-marathon Dec. 7. My 30th birthday on Dec. 22. Adele's first Thanksgiving and Hanukkah.

Every day is a milestone, too. Each day is a blessing, a gift. As the days get darker and colder and waking up gets harder and walking outside gets more chilling, I have to remember the winter, too, is a beautiful blessing. I always rush winter and I want it to go away. I hate the dark and the cold. I shrivel in the winter. I blossom in the warmth and the sun. But I guess this year I decided to embrace the winter by running 13.1 miles in the middle of it.

So here's to you, winter. I guess I'm not mad at you this year. I can't make you go away or keep you from arriving. So maybe I'll just run alongside you and show you who's boss.

Adele's adoption has been scheduled!

Great news!

We just received word of our court date to finalize Adele's adoption!

We are scheduled for 10:30 a.m. on Nov. 25, 2014. (and YES, on Nov. 25 we will be able to post pictures online!!!!!)

Thank you all for your love and blessings as we continue through this process!

Love and espresso

Last night I had a dream, among many little others, that I was wearing these super high heels and walking on a very slippery floor and I kept falling and slipping and sliding. Almost every step I took I would slide back and forth. Sometimes I would fall, and sometimes I would sway.

In real life, I have everything COMPLETELY IN CONTROL. My job is amazing. I feel I'm both challenged by it and also excelling at it. I am training for a half-marathon and actually, for once in my life, am not beating myself up over skipping a run. I told myself early on that now I have a baby, and she takes priority. And that means less-than training. And I'm OK with that. Our social life is, as it always is, thriving. I was busy with breast cancer events in October, and this month I set up an event to bring together the two other adoptive families in State College that we know. I'm hoping to make it a regular meeting so the kids can grow up together. I'm also scheduling girls' brunches and trips to winery. Family life is great. Sean and Campbell, as always, are loving and amazing. My health (knocking on blocks of wood) is top-notch.

So, in real life, I've got all my little ducks in a row. I have it all and am in control of it all. Full-time job as a writer/editor, half-marathon training, Mommy to a 6-month old, social plans, health, awesome husband who loves and supports me.

And laundry. And dishes (sometimes). And still working on those thank-you notes.

And of course, it's not without struggle. Doing it all is never EASY. But I make do. We make do. We do it. And I love it. But I won't say it's easy. I am just saying I have it under control.

This morning I dropped Adele off at school because Sean had an early work breakfast to attend. Then I went to Starbucks. I made it into my office, blonde roast with a shot of espresso in hand, changed into my heels and sat down at my desk by 8:02 a.m.

Mama got it under control.

Wake up, baby bottle, baby diapering and dressed, breakfast, Mommy dressed, daycare bag packed, coat on Adele, bags into the car, baby into the car and in the car seat, dropped off at school, hugs and kisses and small talk with the teachers, filled out the sign-in sheet, parked my car in the lot, Starbucks, office, 8:02 a.m. Just saying.

Espresso.

And love.

What gets me through? Love. I have so much love in my life. Sean, Adele, Campbell and my family and friends. FaceTiming friends and family while Adele is eating her sweet potatoes, an amazing husband who watches the baby while I get my mani-pedis and go for a run, a GORGEOUS, long-eyelashed, curly haired baby who coos and "talks" to me and puts her arms around my neck and grabs my face and hair and smiles when I smile and looks at me with those big dark eyes. SO.MUCH.LOVE.

I have so much love to keep me going and keep me on top of it all and keep those ducks in a row. Is it easy? No. Do I always make my workouts? No. Do I always get a shower? No. Am I always pleasant and in a good mood? No. Do I always make a healthy dinner? No. Do I always take off my makeup before bed? No. Am I tired? Yes.

But I sing to the baby in the morning and take my multivitamin and more than anything in the world I look forward to being at home with her each night. Tonight we're starting sweet peas.

So it's the love.

And again, espresso doesn't hurt, either.

I have no problem admitting that it's hard to keep it all together. Maybe that's what my dream means. Sometimes I feel out of control. I'm wearing these high heels and walking on a slippery floor, and falling every which way.

The difference is now I can say "no" to myself and others without feeling guilty, and don't feel the need to explain myself, ever. I don't need to say yes to everything. And even though I'm still going through with my half-marathon next month, running - believe it or not - is not my priority. My half-marathon, while I am SO excited about it, is not my priority. My social plans are not my priority.

I don't need to read the book for book club. I'll still be smart.

I don't need to train like crazy for my half-marathon. I'll still conquer it with pride.

My priority is my family. My priority is making sure Adele's diapers are changed and she is fed and happy and warm and cozy and busy.

I have/had this vision of being the "perfect Mommy," with a clean house and pie cooking in the oven, who also works and runs and takes care of the baby and also gets her hair done regularly.

The "perfect Mommy," of course, does not exist.

I can be MY best version of me. I love the imperfection.

I do wear the heels and I enjoy them. And yes, the floor is slippery sometimes. But each time I slid or fell I got back up.

I think I would be bored with flats on a carpet.

Happy Birthday, Campbell!

On Nov. 12, Campbell turns THREE!

Happy 3rd birthday, Campbell! We love you so much! You are a great protector of our family, and an amazing older brother to baby Adele! Thank you for being so sweet and passionate and playful! 

First night home with our little baby. He was only 7 weeks old. Don't let that "innocent" face fool you; within hours he was tearing up our cabinets and bouncing off the walls.

Again, that "innocent" face. 

Happiest after a walk!

All smiles while outdoors!

Kisses from Dad

Post-surgery matching smiley faces

Another post-surgery snuggle pic. Cams always knows when I'm not feeling like myself. 

Giving me happy birthday kisses for my 28th!

The face of an angel

"Hi, Mom."

MWAH

He loves our selfies!

Adele's eating sweet potatoes and I ran 9 miles

We started Adele on "solids" soon after her 6 month checkup. Rice cereal was first. She wasn't super into that. And then we began with the "real" foods! Sweet potato this week, and we'll introduce another veggie next week.

Just as I imagined, little Adele LOVES her sweet potatoes, just like her Mama! Right now she's eating about half a pack of Plum Organics sweet potatoes at a time (one pack per day) and supplementing with her formula. As we introduce more foods she will slowly be weaned off the bottle, but that is a ways off. I have to say, feeding her food is SO much fun! It gets all over her face and bib and hands, and Campbell cannot keep his tongue away from her high chair. It is such a joyous experience introducing her to the beautiful, wonderful tastes of the world. I can't wait until she starts on more foods. I knew, just KNEW she would love eating! It warms my heart the way nothing else does, watching her figure out what's in her mouth and how to swallow it, and then, in her own little adorable way, ask for more. A warmth I can't explain.

Half-marathon training is going better than I expected! With less than one month to go, I've already cleared a 9.5 mile run; going for 10-11 this weekend. During the week I've been doing 3 or 4 mile runs at the gym after work, 1-3 times a week. On the weekends, depending on what we have going on, I'll run 7+ miles on Saturday or Sunday or both. This past Sunday I ran 9.5 which is pretty good considering I partied the night before for Rebecca and Brian's wedding. (Pic included of my newish peplum dress!)

So the running goes well. It really is addicting. Each time I complete a run I want to go longer next time. My pace has improved, and definitely so has my endurance. In no way is it easy, but this is a challenge I love, and instead of dreading my half, I am SO excited for it. My goal with training is just to train the best I can, which means some weekends I won't be running at all, and if it I can make it to the gym after work even twice a week then that's good. And the half itself? Just that I finish. Right now I'm running an average pace of 9:15. That may or may not improve by race day, and even if it doesn't that's fine. I just want to finish, and should be able to in a little over two hours. The course will be hilly, though, so I'm taking that into consideration. Also, it will be DECEMBER, which means cold, wind and possible snow. So while on a spring or fall day I could probably run a half marathon in two hours, this time may be different and this one may take longer, and I'm not going to let that upset me. I just want to finish just to say I did it.

Any day now we will get our court date for Adele. Keep checking the "Adele" page for updates. We are so close.

More parties and travel coming up, and soon it will be baby's first Thanksgiving and Hanukkah, and my 30th birthday!

Feeling very blessed, even as this cold weather sets in. We keep moving. I know how to pace, I know when to push. In running, in life.

Are we out of the woods yet?

Preface:
These past two weeks I had been dealing with a medical scare, which has since been resolved. I found some lumps in my right breast. I got them checked out first by my oncologist, and then by my breast surgeon in Hershey, where I had an MRI and an ultrasound. Neither the MRI nor the ultrasound showed any evidence of disease. Apparently my right implant has shifted, which is normal. The lumps I felt were either folds in the implant, fat necrosis or tiny bumps that form around stitches, as described by the doctors. The MRI also showed no sign of a leak or break in my implant, which means I can keep my January appointment to see my plastic surgeon, and don't need to schedule him sooner. The lumps, as per the doctors, are not likely to go away.

Needless to say, these past two weeks had been pretty close to hell. I didn't want to publish anything on the blog until we had some answers. And now I do and I can move on.

I had a health scare. And this is, unfortunately, a typical part of life after breast cancer and life with LFS.

I'll see my breast surgeon in 6 months for a breast exam, and have another breast (full body + brain) MRI in December for my NIH clinic.

The two posts that follow capture how I was feeling these past two weeks.

Again, I'M IN THE CLEAR AND I'M THANKING G-D.


Written Oct. 22:

I wasn't going to write this post and/or publish this post. But I am writing it; maybe I won't publish it. (Or maybe I will).

Anyway, over the weekend, between myself and Sean, we found two lump/bumps in my right breast. The first one he noticed I quickly brushed off as being "probably just the implant." We had a talk about it the next day - I'm seeing my gyno in November, she can do a breast exam, plus I've got my body exam and body MRI in December at the NIH. NBD. Sweep it under the rug. 

Then we were talking Monday night and he brought it up again, saying how worried he was. I said I would make an appointment with Dr. Sharma. I began to get worried too. So I felt around, WHICH I HATE DOING, and located another lump/bump in the same breast, not too far from the original.

Realistically, it's PROBABLY nothing, as I JUST had a breast MRI and breast exam in August. But I know there are no rules when it comes to my health, just exceptions to the rules. I am every exception to every rule.

Just because I had a clean breast MRI in August does not mean there is nothing to worry about with two lump/bumps in October.

TO ME, it PROBABLY feels innocent, like implant bubbles or scar tissue, since they are tiny lump/bumps and movable. But PROBABLY and MOST LIKELY again, do not hold up in my court. I am the exception to every rule.

Again, just because I had a mastectomy doesn't mean I won't get breast cancer again. 

So, a few things:

Tuesday I was a wreck. Didn't sleep at all Monday night. Headache all day Tuesday. Trouble concentrating. No makeup, hair a mess. Thinking of all of the terrible possibilities. If it's cancer again, what this will mean for my job, for Adele, for our family, surgery, chemo, blah blah blah.

I was scheduled to go for a run Tuesday night as part of my half-marathon training. I have a lot of trouble living life when I am in a state of terror and panic over the possibility of breast cancer. But I went anyway, and cleared 3 miles in under 25 minutes. And you know what? I felt a hell of a lot better.

Another thing, in all reality, THIS is our reality now and forever: as a breast/cancer survivor, you are always going to be worried and always think that every lump or bump is cancer. Also, every lump or bump needs to be checked out. Every single time. So this is part of life. Whether it's something or nothing, it needs to be looked at. So friends and family be not exhausted: I am going to have a lot of these moments. A lot of these "I-felt-something moments." A lot. 

So I made an appointment with my oncologist for this Friday to check out the lump/bumps. What this means is, as of Tuesday, I was telling myself I had until Friday to think and really believe it was something. Worry until Friday. Think of every possible terrible outcome until Friday. But after my run yesterday I had this crazy epiphany: what if I think the opposite?!

What if instead of being worried UNTIL Friday, I NOT worry until Friday? I think of the best possible scenario until Friday. What a freakin' concept.

So that's what I'm doing.

Nothing to think about, or do, until Friday.

And trust me, I know this drill like the back of my hand: Dr. feels bumps. "It's probably nothing/doesn't feel suspicious but because of your history/breast cancer/LFS we should probably take a look at it and schedule an ultrasound."

Then, 2-3 days later an ultrasound is scheduled for 2-3 after that. 

With the ultrasound, "it's probably nothing, but because of your history/breast cancer/LFS we should probably biopsy just to be sure."

I HOPE we do NOT get to the biopsy point because then there's the possibility of my implant breaking. OR, I hope we do not skip the ultrasound and go straight to the biopsy because that means Doc is very worried.

IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING but it MIGHT BE SOMETHING.

This is the life of a survivor: everything is something, even when it's nothing.

I know this "issue" won't be resolved for a few more weeks as I make my way through 2-5 doctors appointments/tests to confirm whether it's something or nothing.

So until then I must hold onto the "it's out of my control for now" and NOT worry about it until I NEED to worry about it. Because if I start to worry now I am going to be wasting a whole lot of damn time that needs to be focused on my family and my job and my half-marathon training.

Also, it is what it is.

I didn't do this. But I'm on top of it.

I don't want everyone to worry, so really, I wasn't going to do this post. But this is my blog and it's what I'm going through - it's the emotions. Nothing to be concerned about yet. Just that we've located PROBABLY NOTHING lumps/bumps and it will PROBABLY be OK, but when you're me you don't know if it's OK until it's really OK. And unfortunately we won't know that for a while.

Sorry for this post. Please don't worry. 

Writing helps me through this. It helps sort out my feelings. 

Written Oct. 28:

Saw Dr. Sharma on Friday. The night before I circled with a pen all of the lumps. There are five. FIVE. Actually, instead of this worrying me more, this worries me less. More little lumpies means this is more likely part of the implant. And actually none of the lumps feel suspicious except one. 4/5 feel tiny bouncy movey. And all of the lumps actually almost line up to outline my implant. Like a half moon shape, they line up like the outline of my implant. So, implant bubbles, stitches, scar tissue? OF COURSE I AM STILL TERRIFIED.

Anyway, as expected, Dr. Sharma wants me to get imaging. I got scheduled to see Dr. Kass tomorrow (Wednesday the 29th). I am also having an MRI and ultrasound tomorrow. So I THINK it's going to be OK but I really don't know and actually these past few days have been a little less than hell. I've been really busy with work which has helped, and I've been running. This past weekend I ran 18.99 miles between Friday, Saturday and Sunday. So training is going well. Saturday, as I planned to do, I cleared 8 miles. Sunday I was planning on doing 5-7 miles and I ended up doing nearly 7 which is awesome. 

So naturally I am all in a tizzy about tomorrow: what if they have to biopsy? I mean, that would be the worst. If they biopsy there is a chance they could rupture the implant PLUS it means they are worried/think it's serious PLUS we will have to wait even LONGER for actual results. I can't imagine them biopsy'ing all five lumps; just one if there is one that is scary.

GAWD I need to stop driving myself crazy. I am trying to look at life and my plans BEYOND Wednesday: continue training for my half-marathon, running my half-marathon, Halloween, my mom coming to visit this weekend, Rebecca's wedding in Pittsburgh, Thanksgiving, my 30th birthday, etc. But I have so much trouble thinking there is life after Wednesday. I am scared still, scared shitless until then. Because it's always something until it's nothing.

As I was running Sunday the song "Out of the Woods" by Taylor Swift came on and it really, really resonated with me. Just the part about: "Are we out of the woods yet? Are we in the clear?"

It kind of always, always feels like we're in the woods. Right now anyway. Still in the woods - not yet in the clear - until we have some answers about my lumps. Still in the woods with Adele, until the adoption is finalized. I know, KNOW nothing will come in the way of that, but until it's final it's not final. I know we've gone through the steps:

The 30 days, the three post-placement visits, birth mom and birth dad terminating their own rights, the newspaper notice, paperwork. Now there is this one last final step: the court date. Are we out of the woods yet? Is she legally ours yet?

Are we out of the woods yet? Are my lumps nothing?

My friend Emily described me and how I've been feeling this past week perfectly: I'm carrying this heavy backpack that really nobody knows about. I carry the breast cancer and the adoption. They are heavy and they are hard.

The breast cancer is always a part of my life. The adoption is beautiful and wonderful and a blessing from G-d but it's still hard. No part of it is easy. No part of being a cancer survivor is easy. No part of legally making a child yours is easy. 

And I carry the rest of my life, not always hard - mostly amazing -, but a lot, in this backpack. Juggling a full time job with a 6-month old baby with these health scares and doctor's appointments and adoption is HARD. My back hurts. 

Are we out of the woods yet?

Even with this heavy backpack, even in these heavy, often unclear woods, I move through. I run through. In hopes one day we will be out. 

But I know full well we're never really ever out of the woods. Because that's life. There's always SOMETHING. Nobody is ever completely without hardships, worry, anxiety. 

We're never really ever out of the woods. We just learn news ways to navigate.

True, worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it gets you nowhere. I have to remind myself whatever happens tomorrow can't take away my husband and my daughter and my family and my friends. I keep associating health scares with the sweeping away of my life.

But I know: cancer didn't take away from my wedding or my honeymoon or building a house or starting a family. Adele is my daughter. Sean is my husband. Campbell is my dog. Our house is full of love and strength and security. I will have that no matter what.

So I must build a new walking stick and navigate a different path. 

Just because I've "dealt with this before" doesn't mean I know how, or want to, or will have an easier time dealing with it again. A cancer scare is a cancer scare is a cancer scare. 

Just in time for Halloween I am spooked and scared. But again, I know what I have to do. That walking stick. Keep moving through the woods. Because if I stand still, unmoved, in a pile of leaves, I'll miss out on everything. 

Adele updates and some recent photos

Adele sits on the couch by herself (with my supervision of course!). She pets Campbell. She squeals at Campbell. She grabs his ears. And he can't stop licking her.

This past weekend in the (5 minutes?) of downtown we had, I was sitting, curled up on the couch watching TV with Adele. She was on my lap, and Campbell was right next to us - his head on my feet. Adele reached over and got a handful of his fur. I showed her how to pet him. I said "gentle," and ran my hands over his back. Her chubby little fingers did the same. He turned around and gave her the biggest lick on her cheek.

#heartmelting.

We had a busy weekend of two birthday parties and a wedding (sounds like a title of a movie), plus our first parent-teacher conference at Adele's school today. She is developing beautifully! Her teachers made a slideshow video, with music and quotes, and by the second picture I was holding back tears. 

Every day it seems like Adele gets more and more of a personality. Her babbling has increased, and now in addition to sitting on the couch, sitting on the floor and basically sitting in a high chair, she is grabbing glasses off of our faces and smiles ALL the time. I didn't think she could smile any more than she already does. But she is always smiling, always rosy. Fitting into size 12 months, kicking her PJs open while she sleeps at night, and is sleeping 9-10 hours per night. We are excited about her 6 month checkup and looking forward to starting her on rice cereal.

I wrote this post earlier this week but didn't have time to finish it, so I'm going to quickly tie up. Two recent pics:

One from Brian and Autumn's wedding this past Saturday at the C. Barton McCann School of Art, the second with Kristen Snoke of the PA Breast Cancer Coalition at the opening reception of the 67 Women, 67 Counties: Facing Breast Cancer in PA photo exhibit at Mount Nittany Medical Center Oct. 23. I was honored as a survivor with a carnation. It was such a wonderful evening!

More to come later!

Sending love xoxo

At Brian and Autumn's gorgeous outdoor fall wedding on Oct. 18

With the lovely Kristen of the PBCC at the kickoff reception of the 67 Women, 67 Counties: Facing Breast Cancer in PA traveling photo exhibit, which this October has made its way to Centre County. The event was held Oct. 23 in the Lance and Ellen Shaner Cancer Pavilion at Mount Nittany Medical Center.