It could be a variety of things. It could be that it's finally sinking in that my most dreaded surgery is over and I am recovering just fine. It could be that I envisioned my life coming to a startling halt as soon as the two expanders were put under my chest wall, and realizing that it didn't. It could be that I envisioned weeks more of pain and discomfort following the surgery, and then realizing that I'm OK. It could be finally, finally sinking in that I don't have that left breast anymore.
I told Dr. Kelly that that feeling is the greatest gift of all. I feel like I could climb atop the tallest building in the world, lift my arms in the air, and shout, as loud as humanly possible: "I don't have any more breast tissue!" and it would not express how truly, truly happy and relieved I am. I'd shout it in the same way I would if I had just won the lottery. Or found out I was Queen of a foreign country. It may sound silly, but for someone who has faced cancer twice already, at the age of 27, and who was TOLD the other breast was a ticking time bomb, having both breasts removed, to me, IS THE GREATEST GIFT OF ALL.
Sure, they aren't ever able to get ALL the breast tissue out, especially with a skin/nipple-sparing mastectomy, but they do get most, and my risk goes down. Extremely down. Down so much I can shout happily atop the tallest building. So much so that the relief is overwhelming. HAPPY. safe. SAFE.
Remember I was scared to wash under my arms in the shower for fear I'd feel a lump? GONE. Showering in peace, without fear and anxiety, seems tiny, but it's such a great gift. THE GREATEST GIFT OF ALL.
So maybe that's why I'm happy. Because I'm finally realizing that although this surgery was tough, and I still have another one, that I TOOK CONTROL of my life and I feel relief because of it. Maybe it's because for so long I wanted that other breast gone, and now it is. Maybe it's because for so long I felt like I was carrying a time bomb in my body, and now I don't anymore.
Maybe it's because I am realizing I can be HAPPY, even with two expanders. Maybe it's because as much as these expanders hurt now (and as much as they are going to become incresingly painful over the next few months), that under them is NOTHING. No breast tissue. Less cancer risk.
Maybe it's because there's no rush and no pressure. Maybe it's because it doesn't matter when my expanders are done and when my next surgery is scheduled. Maybe it's because nothing is riding on this. Nothing is riding on what I'm going through now. No wedding or honeymoon planning, no breast cancer.
Maybe it's because I ALREADY feel like I have my life back.
Last year when I first had my expander on the right following my mastectomy, I always felt like I was recovering from surgery. Even weeks or months later. True, I did have FOUR surgeries last year within the period of 6-7 months, so technically, YES, I WAS always recovering from surgery. But I always felt "damaged." Like the expander was a temporary yet terrible thing. And yes, that still rings true. It's temporary. And terrible, in the fact that it's PAINFUL. (The worst is yet to come). But this time around, I don't feel like I'm "damaged," or still recovering despite the fact that I still AM recovering. One more week and I will have no more restrictions. So right now I'm still in the recovery period. And that's fine. But I already feel like I have my life back. I already feel like, even with the expanders, I am happily living. That although they are in my body and they are hard as rocks and they will continue to become more and more painful and more and more spasm-y with each fill, they are not all of me right now.
All of me is in my life. My husband, my family, my friends, my dog, my job, my plans. The expanders are just along for the ride.
Sure, it's easy for me to say that now. Ask me again how I feel about them when they've got 350 cc's of saline in them and I can't lift my arm or sneeze without my chest or armpit going into a spasm. Ask me again then. But now I'm going to try really hard to put these expanders in the back seat of my car and drive. They don't run my life. I do.
I run my life. And I love my life. And I'm happy with my life. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. Expanders and all.
I think it's funny, and I often ask myself, how I can feel so blessed and so extremely happy every single day, even WITH rocks under my chest, even after surviving two cancers and living with the possibility of more, even AFTER numerous surgeries and their recoveries and learning how to do everything all over again. And I'm not lying either just to please people or make them not feel bad for me. I would never lie in this blog. Pink and Pearls is, and has always been, about my true and deepest feelings. And honestly, I feel so happy and so blessed.
I may be a work in progress, but I'm learning. Learning to be happy, find balance, live my life and just BE. It's always been about just BEING.
I'm just really, really happy. Really at peace. No clouds or thorns or me as a tiny snail in a whirpool. I picture, now, instead, me driving my car with my expanders buckled up in the backseat. They are buckled in because they're not going anywhere for a while, and I can deal with that. They are in the backseat because I am in control of the vehicle. And I'm driving because I know exactly where I'm going.
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