What's next?

For the past year and a half, so much of my breast cancer journey has been waiting for the next thing. First it was waiting for test results, then my mastectomy, then more test results, then my expander fills, then a skin-removing surgery, then more test results and questions (radiation?), then my implant surgery (followed by a surprise implant-removal surgery), then the next surgery to re-do my reconstruction and get another mastectomy, and now, it's down to ONE more saline fill and my FINAL (actual final) implant surgery.
When people ask me how I'm doing, I'm very honest. (and no, I never get sick of friends, family and co-workers asking how I'm feeling! It's one of the nicest, most genuine ways to let me know you are thinking of me and care about me). Sometimes I say I'm great, sometimes I say I'm in pain, sometimes I say some days are better than others. All of those things are true at one point or another. But how I'm feeling is mostly always followed by my "next thing." Because, honestly, that's how I'm feeling. I'm waiting for the next thing. That's on my mind, along with my pain, or whatever else I'm currently feeling.
"Oh, I have one more expander fill and then one more surgery."
I always say and always think, wow, now it's REALLY down to the wire. The home stretch. I'm almost done.
I'm always "almost done" it feels like.
Once I'm REALLY done, what comes next?
I say NOW what will come next is the breast cancer will be behind me and I'll be able to live my life. I'll have amazing silicone breasts that are safe, I'll have my body back, and I can move on knowing both of my breasts are gone and I'm cancer free and all my surgeries are over. That's what I imagine life will be like after.
After this ONE last saline fill.
After this ONE last surgery.
What is REALLY next?
I know, from my breast cancer journey and just life experience in general, life is seldom how we imagine. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse. Do I really believe I'll be able to put the breast cancer behind me? Yes. Do I really believe my life will move on. Yes. (it already has). Do I really believe I'll feel safe from breast cancer, one month from now, one year from now, and for the rest of my life? Yes. As much as a two-time cancer survivor CAN. Yes.
Do I really believe I'll feel DONE? It depends.
What do you do when you're not waiting anymore?
What will it be like to live my life, and look to the future, without factoring in breast cancer? When I was planning my wedding and my honeymoon and everything in between and everything after, and now, when I look to tomorrow or next week, I see not the breast cancer, but the process. The process is still very much part of my life. I see one more fill. One more surgery. One more recovery period.
I'll have the expanders for this party. By the time this event rolls around I'll be one week post-surgery, or two weeks post-surgery. When I look into September, October and November, I see surgery recovery. When I look towards next week I see that last fill. I see the expanders. And while I think I'm doing a very good job of not letting them take over my life like last time, they are still there and they still hurt.
What will it be like to be invited to a wedding or a party and not be WAITING for the next step in the process? Not have to decide what dresses or shirts I can wear with a sports bra because I have the expanders and regular bras sucks. Not have to decide if I'll need an Ativan or a Vicodin for this or that. Not have to decide if doing this AND that is too much and too painful and if I'll need to rest in between. Not have to dread driving. Not have to pace myself for the work week. Pace myself for pain. Pace myself for WAITING.
What exactly will it be like to just LIVE, like I did before, without factoring in the process? Will I settle or will I still stir?

Grange Fair pics from yesterday!



My wonderful husband won me a prize! I chose the pink bear, obviously ;)



this little guy was cute :)



Red tongues from Rita's ice!