3, 2, 1

3, 2, 1

3: The number of times I’ve “re-learned” how to ride a bike since registering for Tour de Pink

2: Names of young women breast cancer fighters and survivors I will wear on a shirt during Tour de Pink

1: (Almost) month until Tour de Pink

3: First I had to kind of re-teach myself how to ride a bike when I signed up for Tour de Pink in February. I had Pinky, the little pink, seven-speed bike. I hadn’t really ridden since I was a child so I had to once again become comfortable with pedaling and balancing. And then I had to push through challenging rides as part of my training before Pink Flash (my donated bike from Liv/Giant) arrived. (Remember the Linden Loop?)

Once I became comfortable with Pinky, my Tour de Pink bike came! What a relief it was to have TEN speeds, TEN! I could push up hills with almost no problem. Pink Flash felt smooth and fast. But I had to re-learn the gears and how to shift the gears. I had to feel comfortable with going a lot faster down hills than I was used to. I had to learn how to sit on the bike, and get my body used to bending over. (With Pinky I was mostly sitting upright; with Pink Flash I’m entirely bent over.) My back and neck had to get used to the new positions. I had to re-learn how to ride with cages. The palms of my hands would be blue by the end of a ride from gripping the handlebars, and my fingers would become numb. My neck and toes would cramp up.

Once I got used to riding Pink Flash and getting my feet in and out of the cages at red lights and stop signs, my Shimano cycling shoes and pedals arrived. And they definitely DO make riding easier, as my shoes clip INTO the pedals, thus pushing me forward every time I move my foot up or down. And now I’m in the process of teaching myself how to ride being clipped in. HOLY HELL. I was absolutely terrified. I still am. I know it will help in the long run, and this is exactly what I need for a double century. Plus the shoes and pedals were donated, which I am really happy about. So far I’ve completed two 10-mile rides with the new shoes and pedals. I knew I had to get used to everything all over again. Teach myself how to clip in and out. And I knew, KNEW I was going to fall a few times, which I have, and I know I will continue to do.

We put the new pedals on Wednesday evening, and I sat on my bike, while Sean held it still, in the garage. I practiced clipping in and out. And of course I fell on my ride side, scraping my knee, right there in the garage.

Last night we rode about 10 miles round trip to our friends Ally and Eric’s to see their new chocolate lab puppy. I was scared and frustrated doing a real ride with the clips. Getting the first foot in (usually the left, which is how I did it with the cages) is no problem. Then it’s clicking the other foot in while I’m moving. It’s figuring out how to get the pedal in the right position so I can clip in. And it’s actually pedaling with only one foot, trying not to fall over, until the other foot is in. And then it’s stopping. I have to clip one foot out (usually the right) and quickly lean my bike to the right, or whatever side I’ve clicked my foot out. Sometimes I can do it fast enough. Sometimes my bike leans the opposite direction of the foot that’s free. And sometimes I have every intention of freeing my foot and leaning in the correct direction, but can’t in enough time, and fall over anyway.

I fell a few small times on the way to Ally and Eric’s, and then one “big-ish” time up the street from our house on the way home. Of course I fell on the exact same side as I did the day before in the garage: same right knee, same right upper thigh.

One of the hardest things for me to do was wake up at 5 this morning, still sore from falling the past two days, and ride. But I knew I had to practice with the new pedals. It will only become easier if I do it. It’s the ONLY way. It won’t become easier otherwise. I just have to bite the bullet. Do it. Fall. Do it. Fall. Again, again, again, until I can go training distances (30+ miles).

Now there is nothing new. I’m getting more and more comfortable with Pink Flash. I’m riding more consecutive days. And now I’m learning how to use the new pedals. I’m still working on sitting correctly on the bike, with my hands on the right part of the handlebars, and shifting the left gear while riding. Those are two things I need to practice. But I’m hoping each day I ride I feel more comfortable. And each small ride (10-15 miles) I do a few times a week will help my long (30-40-50-60 mile) rides. I keep telling myself there really isn’t any other way to get better than to actually go out and ride, fear, anxiety and all. Part of the practice is BEING scared. Part of the practice is LEARNING how to overcome being scared. As much as the training is about the riding and the technique and the endurance, it’s also about your MIND while you’re on the bike. How you’re feeling, how to change what you’re feeling and how to feel better. What am I telling myself while I’m riding? Am I feeling confident or nervous? How do I get my mind in the right spot? How do I talk myself into and out of situations? How does my MIND navigate sharp turns, stopping at a red light, or how to ride around other cyclists or walkers? What am I telling myself? What do I NEED to be telling myself? What am I doing wrong, and what am I doing right?

2. Since a big part of why I’m riding in Tour de Pink is for other young women who have been affected by breast cancer, I decided to design a shirt with the names of two young women I know on the back, to wear during part of the ride. Caity and Lainie. I have gotten to know both in a variety of ways. Lainie, like myself, has Li Fraumeni Syndrome, and had breast cancer in her 20s. We’re also the same age (born the same month) and got married the same month and year. (Little fun details!) She has faced many different cancers many different times as part of her LFS, including breast cancer more than once. She is one of the strongest women I know. Always a shining light, positive, inspirational. We might go to a LFS conference together in Boston in October. More on Lainie here: http://lifraumenilainie.wordpress.com/lainie-in-the-media/

And Caity, whom I met through Sean since they grew up in the same area, and went to the same high school. Also diagnosed with breast cancer in her 20s, Caity is now facing the disease a second time. She has a young son, which I’m sure is challenging all by itself, but is undergoing treatment while being a young mom. She also blogs about her experience: http://thistimearound33.blogspot.com/

She is also one of the strongest young women I know: happy, upbeat and positive.

I have met many other breast cancer survivors, many of them young, throughout my journey with the disease itself, and afterwards, but Caity and Lainie stand out in my mind as two young women I have found such strength, encouragement, support and friendship from. When I ride next month I’m riding for all young women affected by breast cancer. But by having Caity and Lainie’s names on the back of my shirt I know it will be a constant reminder of WHY I’m riding. All three of our journeys were and continue to be VERY different. But one thing is for sure: they helped ME. Their spirit encouraged ME. And Tour de Pink supports women like them. I can’t speak for all survivors of breast cancer or any other cancer, but I know, personally, when I was diagnosed, one of the single most helpful things was support from others. From friends, from family, from my blog, from websites, from online forums and support groups, from resources. I knew right away I needed help. I reached out because that’s how I knew I would find the strength I needed and the answers I was looking for. And through the Pennsylvania Breast Cancer Coalition (and its Friends Like Me care package), Bright Pink (and my “buddy” Tamar who I spoke on the phone with), and the Young Survival Coalition (which has reached out and encouraged me to bring out the best in myself), I could foot the journey. I know what helped me. Now it’s my turn. Because I can, I will ride.

I tell myself, and say out loud, every day, how much of a challenge Tour de Pink is going to be. But I know I really have NO idea what that means. I don’t know what it will bring. I don’t know what the ride will do to my body and my mind. But I DO know what I need to help me through it. Support. Coconut water. Kashi bars. A heating pad. Bananas. Advil. My RoadID bracelet that says “I can and I will.” Sean, and my family and friends seeing me off and meeting me at the finish line. The support of other riders and the Young Survival Coalition. And drive. And passion. On the back of my shirt will read the names of two women I’m riding for. They will be right there when I need a reminder of WHY. When the going gets tough, they’ll, quite literally, have my back.

1.And then there was one. Although we’re not quite there yet, Tour de Pink is almost one month away! Time has really flown by since I signed up, and I know it will be here before I know it. Wednesday my breast MRI came back clean, thank G-d! Now nothing stands in my way. I knew I was healthy before, but I was still worried about the MRI. But now I have my answer. I’m fine. I’m really, truly fine. I even have the blessing of my breast surgeon, who told me to send a picture after the race was over. I’m healthy and I’m strong and this next month is going to be a push as I prepare. And when Tour de Pink gets here, who knows if I’ll feel ready. I may not feel ready. I may not BE ready. But one thing’s for certain: like all things in life, it will come and I’ll do it.

Until then I remain focused on the small goals: complete this day’s ride, then worry about tomorrow’s ride tomorrow.

Today my ride is done. Tomorrow I’ll do tomorrow’s ride.

And when Tour de Pink gets here it won’t be any different. First I’ll do these 20 miles. And then I’ll rest. And then I’ll do the next 20.