It's a journey



PART ONE: RIDE N’ CRY

I’ve been extremely emotional about Tour de Pink lately, especially yesterday, during a 30-mile ride with Sean. I had just run my first 10K (more on that later) the day before, and was feeling tired. Yet, it was the weekend and I had to get in a longer ride. I hadn’t ridden since Tuesday and I knew if I didn’t ride Sunday I would regret it. Especially the next two weekends, since we’re traveling for family affairs, and my training time will be very limited, if at all.

So Sunday was tough. 30 miles was not my longest ride. My longest ride so far is 42 miles, and I’ve done 30-35 miles a bunch of times. But the route was hilly and my legs hurt from the day before, and all I wanted to do was be done and go home. So on one of the hills (one I had previously climbed) my body gave out, I pulled to the side of the road and started crying.

Crying for frustration. Crying because I was exhausted. And most of all crying because I was SO mad at myself. Did I NEED to run a 10K the day before? Did I need to sign up for a 10K to prove to myself my running abilities? Did I need that 10K for myself? I was so mad for pushing myself, yet not pushing myself enough.

With a little more than one month until Tour de Pink I am having serious anxiety. On nights I try to go bed without Ambien (which are always unsuccessful), I lay in bed, literally racing. My head is racing and my heart is pumping out of my chest just thinking about Tour de Pink and how I’m not ready and not prepared and WHY AM I DOING THIS AND OMG.

Normally I have a very slow pulse and heart rate from being active. My pulse is slow most of the day, and even into the evenings as I try to wind down and relax. But as soon as I get to bed it feels like my heart is jumping out of my chest it’s beating so fast.

SO. MUCH. ANXIETY.

So yesterday I was crying because I felt like I wasn’t ready. I felt like I had taken on too much. It was the first time I actually let out tears of doubt. Actually saying out loud “I am not this person.”

I may have felt it before. I may have thought in my head “I’m not this person now, but I can do this. I’ll get there. I will work through it. Give myself time and patience. I’ll BE this person.”

But yesterday was the first time I outwardly released all of my fears and anxieties, and as I got back on the bike and started riding again I was still crying.

For the first time, yesterday, it hit me: I’ve taken on a lot. I was so immersed in being this new person after breast cancer that I lost sight of what that all means. Yes, it DOES mean challenging myself. It DOES mean pushing myself. It DOES mean living the hell out of life. But maybe between the 5Ks and the 10K and the training I forgot that I’m JUST ME. I’m not perfect.

And I’m allowed to doubt myself. As Sean said, it is part of the process. Everyone goes through this part during their training.

Sean is the most amazing, supportive husband. He comes with me for most of my rides, picks routes that challenge me (think hills and sharps turns), keeps me motivated and strong, and believes I can do Tour de Pink, and he tells me that every day. He tells me every day, in one way or another, that I can do this.

He knows I can. He’s the best husband in the world. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I don’t know how I ever got so lucky. I love him more and more every day. We had already been through a lot by the time we walked down the aisle. My breast cancer made us stronger before we got married, and Tour de Pink is making us stronger still. And the move and our new house; building this life and challenging ourselves every day is bringing us closer. And the absolute best thing in my life is knowing I have this forever. For the rest of my life I get to experience these challenges and milestones with Sean. We get to be best friends forever. We get to grow, together, forever. That makes life so thrilling to me, and at the same time so peaceful.

Sometimes I get so caught up in my doubts and anxieties I forget to take a breath and look around. I am such a proponent of being grateful for everything in life, and feeling so blessed, but lately it’s like I’ve forgotten how to do that. I’ve forgotten, in my challenging myself and being so hard on myself, that I am supposed to be ENJOYING this. I need to LET myself enjoy my health.

My cycling cleats and pedals arrived last week! Donations from Shimano and the Young Survival Coalition.

My friends and family tell me I can do Tour de Pink.

I know I can do Tour de Pink.

But Sunday I had an off day. I had a tough day.

I cried because I was frustrated with how hard riding still is. I cried because I thought maybe I couldn’t do it. I cried because I felt overwhelmed.

And a lot of that anxiety has to do with Wednesday: my breast MRI. It’s been a year since I had one. My body feels like a tightly-wound ball of hard rubber bands.

There’s the beating heart when I try to sleep at night.

It is absolutely terrifying. I am absolutely terrified.

But I’ll have my test, wait for the results, and pray that everything looks fine.

This past weekend was a physically rough weekend. It made training hard. But I got through it and I will move on.

And I’ll have better days. And I’ll be scared. And I’ll cry. And I’ll be anxious. I’m allowed to have every feeling I have during the training process, and every feeling I’ll have during the race. It’s OK to feel. I’m SUPPOSED to feel. This is a big deal.

I need to take a step back, take in some air and thank my body and myself for getting me this far. And that’s it. Just say “thank you” to my body. Leave it there. Thank you, body. You’ve done me well. You’ve made me proud. And that’s important.

And that’s it. Nothing more. No more “it’s not good enough” crap. I’ll continue with my training program, ONE DAY AT A TIME, and do MY best. And I’ll let myself have all the feelings I have. Because they are genuine. Fear, doubt, anxiety. They are all real. Crying, laughing. They are real, too. But most of all I need to remind myself WHY. And when I remember why I can remember HOW. How? With patience. With love. With grace. I already have the determination. I already have the drive. But maybe I need to give myself another dose of self-love and appreciation.

Instead of “this isn’t good enough” or “I need to be doing more” or “I need to be doing better,” it should be “I am trying my hardest today, and that’s all I need.”



Sean and Joe on our 42-mile ride a few weeks ago! We had just climbed a huge hill and were enjoying the view!



Faith in myself and faith in faith. That my MRI will be OK. That I’ll be ready for Tour de Pink. That I’ll finish Tour de Pink. That I’ll challenge myself in a new way after that. There’s no destination. But there is a journey and there is an experience and I must, MUST remember that. Love what I do, do what I love, and most of all, be proud of myself. I am my harshest critic.

PART TWO: THE 10K THAT WASN’T

So my first 10K happened to not exactly be a 10K. Long story short: I got lost on the route and ended up running somewhere around 8 miles. (a 10K is 6.2 miles)

Long(er) version: The route was poorly marked. Most people got lost on the route.

I was so excited to be running my first 10K! After completing seven 5Ks (plus a mud run) over the past two years and running 10-15 miles per week and LOVING every minute, I decided to challenge myself by signing up for my first 10K. I placed as the second fastest female in my age group in two 5Ks this summer. I knew I was ready. I wanted to have the experience, to say I did it. It would be the last big running push before Tour de Pink.

The disappointing part is that after running my first 10K I have NO IDEA how I placed or what my time was. I stopped my RunKeeper at mile 7.44 and 1 hour, 6 mins. (awesome time, right?!) Because at that point I knew I had run well over a 10K, and had met up with two girls who were also on the 10K but said they had no idea where they were, either. None of us had any clue where the finish line was; we saw no people, no signs, no arrows, and at that point I had run almost 8 miles. Anyway, we ended up running another 9 minutes, finally found the finish line, and I finished (?) miles in 1 hour 15 minutes.

So my first 10K was not a 10K. BUT 7.44 miles (or 8ish, however long it ended up being) was my farthest run thus far! Not only did I prove I could do a 10K, I proved I could do MORE than a 10K, even if I wasn’t planning on it. So it was a bit of a disaster. (The race coordinator apologized afterwards). So I don’t know how I did, but I know I did well and I did it and I know now I can run 7.44 miles in 1 hour and 6 minutes, which is bomb.com.

So, wrapping up this weekend, an 8-ish mile run Saturday plus a 30-mile bike ride Sunday, I think it’s OK I got discouraged, felt exhausted and cried. Alright, maybe I overdid it. But I learned and I survived and I’ll move on.

From this point out I will live and breathe cycling. I will sleep with my cleats on. I am totally just kidding. But I need to look at the rest of this journey (notice how I don’t say “training”;it’s a journey to be ENJOYED) as something that I am in control of. Pink Flash is my friend. She is here to help me. I should not be scared of her. I should not be scared of the miles, scared of the road. This is a journey.

Running scared me at first but after a while I began to love it more and more and then I took ownership of it. I made it mine. I made running work for me. That doesn’t mean it’s not hard. It’s always hard to go out on a run. It’s challenging. But it’s euphoric. And I’m so glad I have it. I’m so glad I have it as I prepare for Tour de Pink. It’s helped me in so many ways. But now that the “10K” is over, it’s time for me to take a break from running so much and focus on cycling.

I do love cycling. I love the feeling of being in control of a little adventure as I take Pink Flash all around. I love the feeling after I’ve made it up a big hill. I love the rush of going down a big hill. I love transforming myself. Transforming my body and my mind and my life.

Yesterday I said “I am not this person.”

But even as I said it, I knew I didn’t mean it.

I’m smart enough to know I can be any person I want to be.