Adrenaline

It’s officially been one week since I started using the clip-in shoes and pedals, and I have to say I’m feeling more confident! No more major falls (just some slip-ups here and there), and I am definitely noticing the benefit of being hooked into my pedals, especially up bigger hills.

Since my 10K I have been mostly following the Tour de Pink training program (with my own adjustments) of riding five days a week: shorter rides during the week (I’ve been averaging 10-20 miles in the mornings/evenings) and longer rides on the weekend, though with recent and upcoming travel that’s been hard. We are going to New York this weekend for a family wedding which I am REALLY excited about! It will be an Indian and Jewish wedding, so two days of parties, food and outfits! What could be better?! (I love events where I need multiple outfits, shoes and accessories!) For the Indian portion of the celebration (the Sangeet), I went shopping with Karishma this past weekend in Northern Virginia at an Indian clothing store and picked out a gorgeous pink skirt with matching pink and gold bangle bracelets.

After this weekend I will be mostly home on the weekends leading up to Tour de Pink so I have some 40, 50 and 60-mile rides planned before the end of September. I am really lucky in that not only is State College an IDEAL cycling town and community, but I have lots of really awesome friends here who are eager to ride with me!

My adrenaline has been really REALLY high the past few weeks (remember me writing about my heart racing before bed?). Or at least that’s what I think it is: adrenaline. I talked with Dr. Kelly about it yesterday and that was the conclusion we came to. Since before bed at night I think about Tour de Pink and my training and all aspects: riding, the clips, the day before Tour de Pink, fear of falling, picturing myself riding IN Tour de Pink, picturing the next day’s ride, etc. My heart has been checked multiple times and is fine, and my pulse and resting heart rate are slow. So it has to be adrenaline. So I’ve cut back my coffee from 3-4 cups a day to ONE. UGH. One. And that hasn’t even helped. My one cup (ONE!) is early in the morning. I used to cut off my coffee around noon, but now my one cup is before 9 a.m. Dr. Kelly also prescribed something that’s supposed to help: a beta-blocker which essentially does something to your adrenal glands and sends a message from your brain to not pump so much adrenaline, thus slowing heart rate, reaction, etc. I tried it last night but I didn’t do anything. Alas, I laid in bed, of course thinking about TdP, and of course my heart was racing. I. CAN’T.CALM.DOWN.

Part of the problem, which I’ve addressed with Sean and Dr. Kelly, is that I feel I’m never good enough and never making enough progress, despite my training. If I ride 10 miles one morning I’ll feel good, but I’ll feel like I should have ridden 20. If I miss a day of training I beat myself up until the next time I ride. Athletically I will admit I am doing great. I average 12 miles an hour, can burst up hills and recover immediately, and am rarely sore. But as far as balance, the new pedals and actually BEING comfortable on the bike, I am severely lacking. I still freak out. I still grip the handlebars for dear life. I still get wobbly shifting up and down hills. And I’m still scared. And that’s part of the adrenaline. And I know there’s nothing really I can do about it except keep riding. Over time I will continuously feel more and more comfortable and fears will subside. There is really no way around being scared; you just have to be scared and do it, be scared and do it. And I know I have to give myself credit. I’ve only really been riding since February, and have only had Pink Flash a few months, and the clip-ins one week. But instead of giving myself credit for all of those things, I’m thinking about what I SHOULD be doing: drinking water while riding, clipping out without freaking out, stopping at traffic lights without having a panic attack, riding alongside other riders without freaking out. Notice a pattern here? “Do X without freaking out.”

So the adrenaline is being nervous I’m not ready, being excited to get started on the challenge, and just sheer anticipation of how it’s going to be. Will it be easy? Will it be hard? Will it be anything I’ve expected? How will I feel?

Kind of like the months leading up to my wedding. I was ready. Everything was in place. But the adrenaline came from wondering how it would be. For a wedding a lot of that is wondering if this and that will go as planned, or if this will work out that way. For Tour de Pink it’s not so much about plans or orchestration; it’s about “Can I do this?” and “Will I do this” and “HOW will I do this?”

And again, there’s no way to know until it gets here. And it will be what it will be and blah blah blah. But my style is this: I tend to be OVER-everything. Over-prepared. Overly concerned. I tend to build things up to prepare myself. But that’s fine. That’s me. It has actually served me well. I love that about myself, but at the same time it can be tough on me. Tough on my sleep schedule. Tough on my damn beating heart.

I tell myself all the time to just do the best I can and what is meant to be WILL BE. I believe half of that. And then I also believe in working my ass off, yet it’s not enough. But it’s how I ran a 10K. because every time I ran, I pushed myself a little further. One more minute. One more mile. And a few weeks ago I ran over 8 miles.

My fear of failing is failing myself. And with Tour de Pink and the nearly $5,000 I raised and the hundreds of people I know counting on me and the hundreds of thousands I don’t know … there’s no room for failure. And the funny thing is, my definition of failure isn’t in riding less miles than planned or not riding the full 200+. It’s in not trying. It’s in not pushing myself. And I AM trying. I AM pushing myself. So much so that I can’t sleep at night.

This was my choice. Just like when I told my story for The Moth. I signed up for things I am scared of. Public speaking, cycling 200 miles. I signed up for things I knew would be a challenge. But I am more confident than anything that they are worth it. I know The Moth was. That opened a million doors for me. Telling my story without notes about how I walked down the aisle with one breast in front of family, friends and 200 strangers was one of the best things I ever did. I know Tour de Pink will be one of those things. That’s why I choose things that make me scared, that get my adrenaline pumping. That’s why I tell myself the waiting is hard. The waiting, preparing, anticipation is tough. I get that. But these are the best things I can do, and I know that also. So if the next few weeks are a little bit like this, fine. So be it. It’s part of the journey.

I’m sure after Tour de Pink I will sign up for something else that terrifies me. I don’t plan to stop doing things I’m scared of. The interim is a little shaky right now. Just like before my Moth speech. A little shaky, a little nervous, a little (or a lot) of adrenaline. Fine. I’ll weather it. If I wasn’t a little bit scared it wouldn’t mean anything to me. If I wasn’t a lot scared it wouldn’t mean the world to me.

Being nervous is my way of preparing for something big, something that has depth in my life. It sometimes can be rough to be overly passionate about everything in the world. It’s exhausting. But it’s what makes me me. And I guess, sleepless nights and all, I wouldn’t have it any other way.