Choosing my battles

I’ve had one more day to let the Fosamax sink in. And I am LIVID. I am fuming. My blood is boiling.

I have a few questions before I start. Like, why am I doing this again?

I emailed my doctor to ask her if it was OK if I waited until after my colonoscopy on Feb. 12 to start the Fosamax. That way I don’t have to start it and stop it.

I had already Googled the horror that is Fosamax, but decided to just let it all be, since my doctor told me to do it.

But then I decided that I am livid.

Fosamax is for menopausal and post-menopausal women. Is it even known how it’s tolerated in women in their 20s, 30s and 40s? Is it even safe for women my age?

Fosamax has a beautiful (sarcasm there) myriad of side effects, ranging from constipation (which I already suffer from and would hate to exacerbate the situation) to bone and joint pain to FRACTURES, mostly of the femur. FRACTURES.

Bone pain?

I AM LIVID.

Hell no am I going on this drug.

So here are my questions, the first of which I should have asked my doctor when she called me yesterday: is the osteopenia better, worse or the same than my 2011 test? If it’s better or the same I have an argument for another intervention.

My other question, as per mentioned above: is it safe for women my age, since WOMEN MY AGE DON’T TAKE THIS DRUG.

As someone who has been through two cancers and is finally healthy enough to run 10-15 miles a week, lift weights, plank before bed and do yoga, I do not (NOT) want to put myself on a drug that could cause me to have pain in the joints I need the most or fracture the bones I use the most. Please and thank you.

I am doing everything in my power to be my healthiest, strongest version. If you think I’m taking a drug that could snatch that away from me, you’re CRAY.

LIVID.

I am healthy with no restrictions. Why would I make this harder on myself?

Do the benefits really outweigh the risks?

And also, this drug could cause deterioration of the teeth and jaw, which means I probably want to talk to my dentist before taking it. Can you tell I’m livid?

No, of course I don’t want my bones to break. But I will drink gallons upon gallons of milk if it means I don’t have to take a drug for women in their 70s. In fact, I just bought a cow. Her name is Dottie and I will drink her milk for the rest of my life. Or I will make my own almond milk. I will swim in milk. Don’t put me on this drug. It’s for other women; it’s not for me. I’m healthy and 29. No need for this crap.

As I see it, there are probably like 5 or 6 risks and one POSSIBLE benefit, and that’s to try to preserve my bones. And the risks are my bones breaking. And joint pain. And my jaw literally melting away.

Seriously?

We don’t know (as in myself and my doctors) if my early onset osteopenia is caused by my Leukemia treatment or just some unlucky genes. Just like we don’t know if a lot of stuff (my terrible gums despite regular brushing, flossing and top notch dental hygiene) is related to three years of chemotherapy from 1997 to 2000. We are still figuring all of that out. We are still looking at all parts of my body, not just to check for cancer but to check for problems that chemotherapy can cause later down the road.

So if my brittle bones are related to that or not, we don’t know. All we know is I’m always going to be dealing with this stuff.

Every time I have a health issue we look at what chemotherapy I was on, and see if that has something to do with it.

I just think whatever issues I have, no matter how big or small, always come down to cancer. Looking at previous cancers, keeping an eye out for signs of new cancers. It’s always about cancer all the time.

At the dentist this morning I had to, yet again, discuss my LFS with the hygienist. This time I had a nice hygienist who wasn’t pressuring me to get an X-ray. But of course she mentioned my gum problem, which I’ve known about for years, and how it may have to do with chemotherapy many years ago. And of course we talked about the pros and cons of getting an X-ray. A pro is better detecting cavities. A con is developing oral cancer.

It’s always about cancer all the time. To X-ray or not to X-ray today? What chemotherapy did years and years and years ago.

I don’t think it’s so incredibly wrong for me to be wary of a drug that could potentially ruin my life, one I finally have control over. A body that finally, finally isn’t victim to poisonous drugs and scalpels.

I just want to be left alone. I don’t think that’s wrong.

The cancer survivor and warrior in me sees a fight up ahead. I’ll never put anything into my body I’m not comfortable with unless my life depends on it.

Right now this doesn’t feel right. So I plan on sorting it out.