Last night was full of friends and good food as we went out to dinner at Luna 2 and all shared a delicious veggie pizza, and then Sean and I went to Meyer's Dairy (something we do only as a treat!) for some ice cream and milkshakes =)
I have been thinking a lot these past few days about what is to come - in now less than two weeks! (My surgery).
Although the surgery is something I've been looking forward to for a while now, I do see it as a roadblock, or really, more of a fence. The first and second surgeries were also fences, and once they were over and results were in, and I was recovered, the fences came down, and I could more easily see the "hills" and land ahead, meaning, mostly my life after breast cancer, and the wedding.
The wedding becomes more clearer and closer every day, but there's still the fence of my final surgery, and I know once that fence is down we'll be into November, and that's only four months until the wedding! Once the expander is out I think I'll feel A LOT more comfortable, and more like myself, and can therefore start moving on with my life. I'll be able to sleep and move like I did before all this, without pain, and also, I'll have a new look! I'll be more confident that my chest isn't two different sizes. I won't have to wear padding on the other side for evenness. I'll be getting back to normal, as opposed to the "normal" I am at now, which I like to refer to as: expander normal. Expander normal is living my life in as much balance as I can, and taking into consideration the pain I feel every day, and working WITH that pain to manage my life. Regular normal will be me (just a little enhanced). Once I heal from the surgery and once I get used to the implants, I'll really be ME again, which is amazing. The implants, even though they'll eventually be replaced (and maybe even sooner than later if I get another mastectomy), are still there for life. Whether it's them or new ones 10 years later, they will still be a part of my life forever. And that doesn't worry me. I know I can get used to anything if given enough time. I can create new normals. I just feel, after this surgery, my new normal won't be so much different than my old normal. Really, truly.
So I'm confident in that once this fence comes down I will be able to actually see the wedding a little better, and will better believe it is on the way, and can get excited about it with my new body, and can get used to me, with my new body.
I have been going back and forth, since my diagnosis in April and mastectomy in May, between feeling that after my implant surgery that all of this would be over, to then feeling like it won't ever be over, because I'll always be worried and anxious about getting another breast cancer in the other breast, and be having constant testing and screenings. I still believe both of those things: after my surgery on Oct. 27, yes, this part will be over. This breast cancer. I was lucky and blessed in everything that happened, from beginning to end: cancer caught early, no invasive cancer, no spreading to the lymph nodes, hormone negative = no chemotherapy, no radiation and no hormone therapy. Lucky, lucky, lucky. Lucky that two surgeries "took care of it" and that my final surgery is 5 months before the wedding, and a month and half away from my bridal shower. As much as I'm trying to "take that and run with it," I know myself better than that, and that's that I can't do that. I don't think like that, and life just isn't like that. I know this isn't really all the way over, and it may never be. But I have to remember, that as much as it isn't over completely, PARTS of it will be over after this surgery, and the longer I get away from it, more and more PARTS will become over. And further than that, as each day goes by, my thoughts and feelings will change. My perspectives will change. Meaning progress will continue to be made, despite what's actually OVER or not.
My encouragement each day is knowing today, and believing tomorrow, that I'll feel differently in the days, weeks and months to come. That my mind will constantly be turning and at work to find new places of comfort. So I'll end with what I feel today:
I actually SEE the fence now, and I see it coming down following my surgery. And I see myself healing well, and feeling back to normal without this rock in my chest. And I see the fence coming down after that. And true, there may be other fences that stand in the way atop my many hills and lands of life, but eventually they come down, and if they don't, I work on getting them down. I don't let them stay there. Because there are far too many good things that wait behind them.
I have been thinking a lot these past few days about what is to come - in now less than two weeks! (My surgery).
Although the surgery is something I've been looking forward to for a while now, I do see it as a roadblock, or really, more of a fence. The first and second surgeries were also fences, and once they were over and results were in, and I was recovered, the fences came down, and I could more easily see the "hills" and land ahead, meaning, mostly my life after breast cancer, and the wedding.
The wedding becomes more clearer and closer every day, but there's still the fence of my final surgery, and I know once that fence is down we'll be into November, and that's only four months until the wedding! Once the expander is out I think I'll feel A LOT more comfortable, and more like myself, and can therefore start moving on with my life. I'll be able to sleep and move like I did before all this, without pain, and also, I'll have a new look! I'll be more confident that my chest isn't two different sizes. I won't have to wear padding on the other side for evenness. I'll be getting back to normal, as opposed to the "normal" I am at now, which I like to refer to as: expander normal. Expander normal is living my life in as much balance as I can, and taking into consideration the pain I feel every day, and working WITH that pain to manage my life. Regular normal will be me (just a little enhanced). Once I heal from the surgery and once I get used to the implants, I'll really be ME again, which is amazing. The implants, even though they'll eventually be replaced (and maybe even sooner than later if I get another mastectomy), are still there for life. Whether it's them or new ones 10 years later, they will still be a part of my life forever. And that doesn't worry me. I know I can get used to anything if given enough time. I can create new normals. I just feel, after this surgery, my new normal won't be so much different than my old normal. Really, truly.
So I'm confident in that once this fence comes down I will be able to actually see the wedding a little better, and will better believe it is on the way, and can get excited about it with my new body, and can get used to me, with my new body.
I have been going back and forth, since my diagnosis in April and mastectomy in May, between feeling that after my implant surgery that all of this would be over, to then feeling like it won't ever be over, because I'll always be worried and anxious about getting another breast cancer in the other breast, and be having constant testing and screenings. I still believe both of those things: after my surgery on Oct. 27, yes, this part will be over. This breast cancer. I was lucky and blessed in everything that happened, from beginning to end: cancer caught early, no invasive cancer, no spreading to the lymph nodes, hormone negative = no chemotherapy, no radiation and no hormone therapy. Lucky, lucky, lucky. Lucky that two surgeries "took care of it" and that my final surgery is 5 months before the wedding, and a month and half away from my bridal shower. As much as I'm trying to "take that and run with it," I know myself better than that, and that's that I can't do that. I don't think like that, and life just isn't like that. I know this isn't really all the way over, and it may never be. But I have to remember, that as much as it isn't over completely, PARTS of it will be over after this surgery, and the longer I get away from it, more and more PARTS will become over. And further than that, as each day goes by, my thoughts and feelings will change. My perspectives will change. Meaning progress will continue to be made, despite what's actually OVER or not.
My encouragement each day is knowing today, and believing tomorrow, that I'll feel differently in the days, weeks and months to come. That my mind will constantly be turning and at work to find new places of comfort. So I'll end with what I feel today:
I actually SEE the fence now, and I see it coming down following my surgery. And I see myself healing well, and feeling back to normal without this rock in my chest. And I see the fence coming down after that. And true, there may be other fences that stand in the way atop my many hills and lands of life, but eventually they come down, and if they don't, I work on getting them down. I don't let them stay there. Because there are far too many good things that wait behind them.
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