Finding me in my taffy: a look at eyelashes and the Mikvah

Since my diagnosis I've been twisting and pulling this recent situation (me getting breast cancer while planning my wedding) in a million different directions, trying, as hard as I possibly can, to find the good in it, whether it's one thing or 10. And I HAVE found good in all this. Many things, actually. It was hard for me to accept the fact that I had to plan my wedding while going through all this. I didn't just want to "settle" on that it was unfair. That's why I pulled and twisted, like a piece of taffy (or like Gumby slightly melted), trying to form any new way of thinking I possibly could. Look at it this way and that way. Under this light, under that light. From this perspective, from that. And like I said, I did find MANY good things that came out of this situation. Finding the good in bad situations is what keeps us going. It's what keeps us fighting, surviving. Without it, we succumb to life's every disapointment and devestation. If we don't look for the good in the bad then we lose control and sight of who we are and why we're here. We let the bad things in life not only knock us down, but keep us there.
So, as much as I twisted and pulled, and turned into knots this now nearly palpable situation, it always came back to one thing: this sucks. That doesn't mean that I don't try, every day, to find the good in life, and actually FIND it, or that I, for one second, give up living my life. But there's no escaping it. It's not fair and it sucks. But speaking to a good friend and co-worker yesterday, I realized, there are ways I haven't yet tried to twist and turn my taffy.
She brought new light to my situation. I had already figured out that this breast cancer diagnosis while planning my wedding was going to make me stronger, and make my relationship with Sean stronger. It was going to bring our families even closer together. It was going to bring our friends even closer together. As terrible as a thing breast cancer is, I knew fighting it together (the disease and its impact on us emotionally and mentally) was going to create a new, special strength between me and Sean. It would give us new meaning, new power, new life. I would never wish this upon myself, even now, but now that it's happened, I have to believe I will somehow benefit from it. And those are the ways I believe I will.
I also knew that fighting breast cancer while planning the wedding would make the wedding a bigger, more meaningful celebration in the end. As big as weddings already are, and as much as a celebration as it already IS to be getting married, this fight and this journey would give us all more reason to celebrate our marriage. We would celebrate all the things we would have, had none of this happened, like the merging of two families and two souls for life. But now, we'll be celebrating all that, and more. That we fought together. Heartache and tears. All of us. Me and Sean. Our families and friends. We've all been in this together since the very beginning. And we got through it. And we'll continue to get through it. The breast cancer (and everything that came with) taught us to survive and thrive in ways we never imagined we'd have to.
On that note, my friend brought up something she said she's noticed in me over the past few months while I'm planning my wedding, and that's that I'm going to go all out, so to speak. Meaning I'm doing things I might not be doing had I not fought breast cancer over the past few months. At first I had to think about what things I'm going "all out" in. I had always, from day one, known what type of flowers I'd want, the colors of the wedding, and what I wanted my dress and hair to look like. But would I even be CONSIDERING getting eyelash extensions? No. Absolutely not. The eyelash extensions are my "extravagant" detail for the wedding. They are my little personal thing. My personal detail, that, no matter how silly or stupid it sounds, is being done for ME. Because I want to try it. Because it's a little ridiculous. But now is the time to be ridiculous. This is my big moment.
And the Mikvah. Something I'm also considering going to, but probably wouldn't had I not been through this. The Mikvah is part of Jewish tradition. It is basically a body of water, built into the ground (usually at the bottom of synagogues) where women go, privately, for many different reasons. One reason is to "cleanse" themselves, so it can be done before getting married or having children. Some Orthodox women go every month. Anyway, there's a lot more to it, but I don't know much yet, so I've been reading about it online, and I also have a book my friend sent me in the mail describing the history behind the Mikvah, its meanings and traditions, uses, etc. Anyway, my reason to go isn't necessarily to "cleanse" myself before entering marriage. It would be to prepare myself for a new chapter, and furthermore, to bring me closer to G-d during this very meaningful time in my life. I'm looking for a spiritual connection and meaning. I'm not really that religious of a person (most holidays I celebrate with food and presents, you see), which is why I think people may be confused about why I want to go. But one of the most wonderful things about Judaism is that you can practice how you wish, and for the most part, tailor your practice to your own personal needs, feelings and desires. As I'm getting ready to get married (the biggest life step I've ever taken), I want to look to G-d and feel connected, especially after going through this battle. I don't want answers or clarification. I want to just feel connected to G-d as I leave one chapter of my life and enter another. I do pray, in my own personal way, and Judaism has been an important part of my life. Growing up I was surrounded by it. The food, the culture, the family. I love all of it, every single detail. And I feel going to the Mikvah kind of fits into this big life step. It kind of ties it all together. Me, as a Jewish woman, preparing to get married, who just overcome cancer (again.) I feel it will connect me, even more, to the things in life I hold most dear and find most important. Part of that is my faith, and how it ties into getting married and living a Jewish life with Sean and raising a Jewish family.
I'm sure there are other things I'm going (little personal things) for the wedding I may not be doing had I not just fought breast cancer. I can even think of a few now, but I can't say because they must remain a surprise!
It's just so hard to picture how I'd be now, three months to the wedding, had I not been through all this. I'm sure most of the wedding would be the same. The large aspects of it. But maybe the little details, or things I'm doing mostly for me personally, might not be. (Extended eyelashes and a trip to the Mikvah). Maybe I'm going "all out" with little things that will make the day (and me) feel more special, because it is my special day after all. And these little things seem to be the ones maybe only I'll notice. And that's really the beauty of it all. Unless I tell people, nobody will KNOW I went to the Mikvah. But I'll know I did it, and I'll know why, and I'll feel good because of it, because I reached a new level of spirituality for this big moment in my life. So maybe, yes, it's the little things. Things that seem excessive to maybe the "old me," which is someone I really can't picture now. Just like I can't picture the me who never had Leukemia as a child.
Some things that happen to us are bad and they cause our worlds to collapse. But we are who we are because of them. As terrible as this breast cancer journey has been, I like the "new me," the breast cancer survivor-me, better than the "old me." I like me now. And as beautiful as the wedding would have been had I not had breast cancer while planning it, I like the way it's shaping up now. The little details, mostly for me, I wouldn't have thought about before. The breast cancer made all of this hard. There's no doubting that or escaping it, or even twisting it just a little. But what about the good it's done? Just like some people teach themselves to love life more or live better after a near-death experience or illness, maybe I'm doing something like that with the wedding. I've always appreciated everything in life. I've always appreciated every single moment of being engaged and planning the wedding. And I know I will love every second of the wedding, and my married life after. Even if only I know it, maybe certain things about the wedding will be more meaningful to me because I've made them that way. BECAUSE I've fought breast cancer and found a different way to look at life and love and marriage and weddings. Because maybe, just maybe, I've found ME a little bit more.