Last week I started work part-time as a reporter for a new local weekly newspaper here. It's about a 5-minute commute from my house. So I don't have too factor in 45-minute commutes into my day, can walk downtown for coffee and lunch, can walk (next door basically!) to Dr. Kelly's office, can eat lunch at home/walk Campbell during the day. It literally is PERFECT for me. I still get to do what I love (write for a newspaper) WHILE taking care of my body and resting and having time for the things I love - my social life/friends, Sean and planning our honeymoon.
Now my life feels less like a balloon filled with marbles ready to explode. And more comfortable. Less like I was a ball of nerves, walking around in a state of constant anxiety and tension, on the edge of like everything. And more like puzzle-piecy. More like the pieces of my life are fitting together nicely.
Not that they weren't before. But before I was on the edge, all the time. Waiting for something bad to happen. Waiting for another shoe to drop, before the wedding. Fighting with myself every day, to convince myself the wedding WAS going to happen, but being terrified it wasn't. I was living every day like a countdown. I was EXHAUSTED.
But the funny thing is - I regret nothing. My living life like a balloon ready to burst, every day, was not unfounded, in my opinion. I was excited for the wedding. I REVELED in the planning, every day. I was a glowing bride-to-be. I was also nervous. I was also scared. I had battled breast cancer and undergone four surgeries (one unexpected) WHILE planning my wedding. I got diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder that changes my life, WHILE I was planning my wedding. I lost a breast WHILE I was planning my wedding.
We all know it turned out perfectly. My wedding was a dream come true - the best BEST day of my life. It was perfect. It was shiny and sparkly and lovely. But the year leading up to it was hard. My craziness that year - I don't regret it. It was who I WAS. It was ME. It was me dealing with everything. It's who I was then, coping with what I was going through.
Did I like, every day, not knowing how to BE? No, of course not. Did I like counting down the days, with both excitement and on edge, nervous something else would go wrong? No, of course not. Did I like fighting with myself? No, of course not. But that was my life then. That's what I was doing then. And ya know what? It was FINE. Breast cancer and all, I wouldn't change a single thing about my wedding, or the year leading up to it. I wouldn't change the timing (even the emergency implant removal surgery two months before the wedding, the day after my bachelorette weekend, or getting diagnosed two months after getting engaged.) Nothing. I wouldn't change my worries and my craziness and anxities. I wouldn't change my planning and preparation and attention to details. That wedding and that whole year was all me and all Sean and all our family and friends, and all REAL, and all beautiful, EXACTLY THE WAY IT WAS.
Do I want to go back in time and do it again? How could I? I'm still busy smiling from March 31, and remembering all the details and looking at the pictures, over and over again, and examining our faces in those pictures, and how it was the happiest, most blessed, most beautiful day of my life.
But I know there's more good to come. I haven't settled down. I have a new job, we're planning our honeymoon (or should at least start), and have other trips, weddings and 5Ks planned. Sure, I dread my surgery, which we're hoping to schedule at the end of July. I've said it before but I'll say it again: I dread it all. Left mastectomy. TWO tissue expanders this time. Weekly fills. Constant pain. Implant surgery. I'm in for another tough road. But it's a little different this time around.
Yes, it has been a year since my diagnosis, and almost a year since my right mastectomy. Thank G-d the cancer is gone. Thank G-d I'm not dealing with breast cancer. But I am dealing with the effects of it, still. And I will continue to, as more surgeries approach.
But this time, there's no timeline. No rush to get my expanders filled and then no rush to get them exchanged for implants, and then no rush to be healed and recovered by a certain time. Life feels less stressed now. Less pressure. Sure, I don't want this surgery, but I know now is the best time. Before we have kids. And to get it over with so we can actually TALK about having a family. It's time for me to MOVE ON from breast cancer. The rest of my life has. Now it's my body's turn. And unfortunately that means more surgeries and more pain. But I did it once so I'll do it again. And I'm doing this for me and for my family, for the long run. I have decided I don't want to deal with breast cancer anymore. Getting the other breast removed helps tremendously in that department.
Ok, let me finish up with some updates. All of my screenings have gone well so far : mammogram, dermatologist, colonoscopy. I have a breast MRI in June prior to the surgery. Just to take one last look at things. Sure, screenings will always be scary, and I usually think the worst.
But now life is a little different. I don't have to think about being or how to be or how to live. I just am, comfortably. I finally feel like instead of being a snail in a whirlpool, I'm just a snail. Or instead of walking through thorny bushes and trees, I'm just walking. (I have written about these metaphors in recent posts.)
Now, I'm just living and gliding. Less pressure on myself. Less pressure on life. I'm a happily married woman ready for the next amazing things, every day.
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