Life after breast cancer? This is it.

I won’t say my “reshuffling” phase is completely over. I’m not sure it ever really will be. But I have found peace. In so many ways.

Last week I made the decision, under the direction of my psychiatrist, to go off the Zoloft, which I have been on for about nine months for anxiety. It was causing some stomach issues and I was ready to try to be without it. I know myself before Zoloft, and it wasn’t pretty. A lot of anxiety, agitation, etc. But during the time I went on the Zoloft I was still in the midst of my surgeries. I had two more to go and was living a life with only one breast. I still faced another mastectomy and two more expansions.

Today my surgeries are over. The wedding planning is over. I’m healthy. We’re building a house and I’m training for a 200-mile bike ride in September. I’m ready to try to cope with my anxiety through yoga, exercise and meditation.



Dining with the cast and crew of "Hitler's Daughter."



While running at the gym a few days ago something hit me. During my “reshuffling” phase of me trying to find life, normalcy, whatever, post-breast cancer, I was always looking for something. I felt caught in between. There were parts of my “old life” I missed, like being able to take a pill when I needed to. A Vicodin, Ativan. But my surgeries were over and I didn’t have expanders anymore so I didn’t need those things. I wanted some of my “old life” back of being able to curl into bed when I was sad or in pain. But I also wanted my “new life” of actually being able to do things and live life and be active without debilitating pain. I was caught between the breast cancer and now. Yesterday and today. I wanted pills and easy answers. Yet I wanted the life you live without those pills, a life free of excruciating pain. I was reshuffling. I didn’t know where I fit in. I knew I had to work. I knew I had to find new “answers.”

So I started yoga. And I started running more, now doing 4 miles at a time. And those things relieved anxiety and stress and pain. And I started my “organic binge” as I like to call it, of using coconut oil and apple cider vinegar and wheatgrass and hempseed and elderberry and ginseng and flaxseed. And detoxing and cleansing. And a lot more fruits and vegetables. A lot more home cooked meals. And I felt, and still feel, those things give me not only peace, but control of my life and my body.

It’s all about regaining control. It’s all about getting my life back and my BODY back. The breast cancer took away my breasts. It took away some of my femininity. It took away from my body things I will never get back and things I never want back and things I am so glad I decided to remove. I can’t erase that. I can’t erase the fact that I had breast cancer and now both of my breasts are silicone. They are awesome, but they’re silicone. I love them, but they’re not real. And I can say I love them a million times, and actually mean it, but the truth will always be the same: they are fake. They’re fake because something happened in my body I couldn’t control.

I want control. I want to choose what goes into my body. I felt the Zoloft no longer fit. I want to choose WHAT my body does. Yoga, running, bike riding.

For the first time in my life I feel like I am at peace with my body. I feel like I am in control of it. I am not a victim to the knives and stitches and expanders.

And with that peace, comes peace with my life. I no longer want the Vicodin and Ativan. (sure, sometimes I still wish I had them, but that feeling lessens over time). And I no longer want a reason to crawl into bed. I don’t want that pain. I don’t miss that pain. I want, for the rest of my life, to be able to run and do yoga and lift weights. I never, ever, ever want to be hindered again.

Meeting Mary Robinson, former president of Ireland, who came to Penn State last week!

So why am I taking on this bike ride (in which I have raised more than $2,700 now, by the way!)? I am taking it on for a few reasons:

1.       For the Young Survival Coalition: young women and their families and friends who have been affected by breast cancer. And all the pain that comes with it. The survivors and those who have died. The chopping off breasts and the fertility problems and the surgery and the treatment.

2.       For the pull: whenever I feel strongly about something I do it. I don’t care what it involves, I do it. When I saw the Tour de Pink was going to be in the East Coast I knew I had to do it. I knew it was 200 miles and I knew I was a little crazy and I knew it was going to be tough, but the pull was too strong to deny. Something was telling me now was the time and this was the challenge and I am ready.

3.       For myself: I decided a long time ago that breast cancer was going to make me better. It was going to drive me to challenge myself in mind and body. It was going to push me to do things that were and are scary: telling my story for The Moth, speaking openly about my experiences at local Pink Zone and other breast cancer events, and now this ride. It’s going to be HARD. I’m going to cry. I’m going to want to give up. I’m going to scream, probably. But you know what else? I’m going to do it.

4.       Because I can. I thank G-d every day that I am healthy and strong, and my body is in good physical condition. Today I am young and capable. Just like running after breast cancer, there’s no reason I can’t.

5.       For the experience. To take all that life has to offer and jump on every opportunity. To live with no regrets. To remember this ride always, and how it changed my life. Because it will.

As much as I plan life (vacations, plans with friends, etc.), planning is still scary for me. Making a commitment to something that’s six months away is terrifying. Because I was diagnosed with Leukemia three months before I was supposed to have my Bat Mitzvah and never had it. Because I was diagnosed with breast cancer two months after I got engaged. We DID have the wedding and it was the best day of my life. But with LFS I am always afraid of another cancer. Always, always, always. It could happen at any time in any part of my body. Or, it couldn’t. In my life I have received devastating diagnoses before big events. But I keep telling myself: If I live like I’m going to get cancer again, I’m not really living.

So today I have found peace. I am so happy and content with my life. I’ve never been this happy. I know my “reshuffling” has changed courses because I no longer want the “old me.” I love the new me and I want to continue to build the new me. I want to evolve. And to do that I must constantly challenge myself. I must be aware of myself and my body. Today I have found my balance.

What is life after breast cancer? I wondered if I would ever figure it out. I wondered how I would move on. I wondered how I was supposed to live my life with this new life. I wondered if I would ever find comfort in a life post-breast cancer. I wondered how the “new me” would navigate.

OUR NEW HOUSE!

Life after breast cancer. I’m in it. I knew it would come one day. And all of a sudden, as I was running on the treadmill, I knew it had. I knew because I wanted so badly for nothing to come between, or get in the way, of this life, right here, right now. That’s how I knew. Because I like this life more than any other life. I like this day, and each day that follows, better than the previous days. And that’s how I know. Because I like the future more than the past. I look forward to the future more than I miss the past. I don’t want to go back. I’m afraid of falling back. I’m afraid of cancer again. I always will be. But now, I’ve found this place where fear doesn’t get in the way. And it’s such an amazing place.