Tomorrow, Tour de Pink is (OMG!) two weeks away!!!!!
Ya know what? I’m still nervous, I’m still anxious, I’m still excited. But today the difference is I feel like I’m READY. Physically.
Last weekend I rode 60 miles, my farthest to date, on Saturday, followed by nearly 30 on Sunday. I’ve been riding 4-5 days a week. During the week I try to ride 10-20 miles on any given day. This coming weekend on Sunday (Yom Kippur is Saturday) I will have one more day to get in 60 miles or more, continue with the shorter rides during the week, and the weekend before TdP I am doing an organized 30 mile ride with the State College Cycling Club (77 if it wasn’t the weekend before), plus a 40ish mile ride Sunday, and then short rides until Thursday, when we leave for King of Prussia!
If that sounds exhausting to you, it’s because it is. I AM SO.SO.SO. EXHAUSTED. Riding 4-5 days a week is tough. Mentally and physically. Whether I wake up at 5 a.m. for a pre-work ride, or ride after work, it’s time consuming and takes a toll. Literally, cycling is consuming my life right now. And sometimes that makes me cry. But then I remember this is temporary. This is the final push before the big ride. Only two more weeks of this cray. This cray is driving me cray.
I battle with myself between pushing myself too hard and taking this thing (which is supposed to be fun and rewarding) too seriously, and feeling like I’m not good enough and not prepared enough. Both extremes. On one hand this is one of most challenging, most important things I do, so I have to be prepared. On the other hand this is fun, this is recreational, I want to enjoy it and have a good time! I think both are true.
I do love cycling. It’s freeing. It’s rewarding. But it’s not always enjoyable. Especially after a long day of work or first thing in the morning before the rest of the world wakes up. But I tell myself to get the hours and the miles in because I WANT to be ready for Tour de Pink. Ok, so cycling is my life right now. I pretty much don’t do anything else except work and sleep. This reminds me to both thank and apologize to my friends for saying no to social plans (because I’m training), not returning calls right away (because I’m sleeping) and basically ignoring them. I promise I will be back to normal (or some version of it!) after my ride. Now I have to remain focused and strong. Rest enough. Eat enough. Sleep enough. Ride enough but not too much. Be healthy, be happy, avoid burnout. Two weeks to go.
When I say that I want to slap myself. “This is supposed to be FUN! Stop taking yourself so seriously!”
Right now there’s life before Tour de Pink and life after Tour de Pink. There are two separate Marjies.
The Marjie right now is insane. I can only hope the Marjie after is relieved and proud of herself, and feels a sense of accomplishment for doing something challenging and meaningful. But I’m not there yet. First I have to be insane Marjie for the next two weeks.
September always brings so many milestones. We welcomed the Jewish new year last week, which presents a time of rebirth and new beginnings. I know this year will bring wonderful things. Today, Sept. 12, marks 16 years since I was diagnosed with Leukemia. And Sept. 30 will be Sean’s birthday, and also one and a half years since we were married! Sept. 30 is also Gideon’s first birthday, and will be the day after Tour de Pink.
Life before. Life after.
I am so grateful and thankful for the new year, and for my health, and that I am actually capable of this training and the bike ride. I am blessed for the support from Sean and my friends and family, and feel lucky for this incredible life I am living. I want to push forward, using all those blessings and that strength, and continue to do great things.
The best and worst things about myself are that I am hard on myself, and my own worst enemy. I push myself. I challenge myself. I tell myself we are given this one life, this VERY short life, to live. And like the Lululemon manifesto states: “This is not your practice life. This is all there is.”
That’s one of my mantras for living fully. Living simply. Surrounding myself only with people and things that lift me up, and remove those that don’t. I don’t have time for negativity. And I don’t need it.
At the end of the day it’s me who created all this. At the end of the day I want to be proud of myself for this day.
And I take each day separately. I always have. It’s my way of surviving and maintaining strength. Thinking about the long term overwhelms me. I do best when I take it one step at a time. With my training. And with all things in life. Tour de Pink will be no different. And anything and everything both scary and amazing that comes after it.
Today I will be grateful for today. And let all else melt away. Today is today is today. This moment is this moment is this moment.
Before the breast cancer. After the breast cancer. Before surgery. After surgery. Before the wedding. After the wedding. Before Tour de Pink. After Tour de Pink.
What have I learned? Whether I’m ready or not, there’s always an after. And that’s the biggest blessing of all. Why? Because it means I GOT THROUGH IT.
The Marjie after Tour de Pink wants chocolate cake.
Cheers to chocolate cake. You certainly deserve it after making such a commitment to this bike ride. I am INSANELY impressed with you. Keep on pushing!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Caity! YOU are MY inspiration, in life and for riding. I'm thinking of you all the time and sending healing hugs and strength your way. Keep on keeping on! =)
ReplyDeleteI read this and have to say you took my feelings right out of my mind. Take biking and replace running and I'm living training. Long lunches to fit a run in, early mornings, evenings as the sun goes down... Planning meals with enough protein and calories! Oh man so many calories!!! Thankfully I've gained 5lbs and just dropped a pant size, I was a little concerned I was dropping to unhealthy lows but I'm solid, in the total sense of the word! All we can do is prepare ourselves as this is life at this moment in time :) You are going to rock out. You'll be sore, you'll be tired but you'll cross that line and it will all be worth it! When its tough, tell yourself "no chain" and spin those wheels like there isn't a chain on that bike! Ride till you have nothing left. Save nothing. Love ya,
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