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| Me on the runway Oct. 17 at the PA Pink Zone's second annual Little Black Gress Goes Pink fashion show and wine tasting! This was outfit #1. Clothes by n'V Boutique, hair and makeup by Portfolio Salon. Photo by my talented husband, Sean Miller! |
Li Fraumeni Syndrome is scary. Sometimes I have dreams about getting cancer again, and in those dreams, it isn’t me suffering for myself, it’s me suffering for Sean. It’s me feeling sad for Sean, not sad for myself.
This was the topic this morning during my appointment with Dr. Kelly. We address the LFS so much, but it’s never “I’m scared of X” or “I’m scared of Y.” It’s mostly I’m worried about Sean. It’s mostly I’m doing what I need to do to stay on top of my health, and I’m not letting the LFS control me. I’m aware of it and in control of it but I’m also living with it, and doing a damn fine job.
With all of my “living,” it’s pretty obvious I’m not letting having LFS or fear of cancer get in the way of anything. Anything. Double century bike ride. Modeling in fashion shows. We’re going to Ireland next fall. Oh, and we’re thinking about starting a family. LFS doesn’t get to, nor did it ever, control my life. I live NOW, because NOW I can and because NOW I’m healthy. That’s why I’m always running and signing up for a 5K, 10K, mud run. These are my plans, these are my goals, and LFS doesn’t get a say.
All that LFS does is force me to millions upon millions of doctor’s appointments and blood work and screenings. We watch. We wait. We listen. But we don’t pause. We don’t pause life. I keep making plans. I keep running. I keep moving. I no longer wait. I do things now and I do them when I want to.
LFS doesn’t have a say.
Despite that, it’s scary. It’s always in the back of my mind; probably more so now with the conference coming up this weekend in Boston. It will be my first time meeting other people with LFS and talking to doctors who actually specialize in LFS. It will be my first time entering the world of LFS. And I am so blessed to have my mom and Sean go with me for it. There will be a lot of information, probably most of it overwhelming. But I’m ready. I want the knowledge so I can have some of the power. I’ll never get all the answers, but at least I know what my questions are.
LFS doesn’t have a say.
Since Tour de Pink (which I’m STILL on a high from!), a lot of my friends have been asking me what’s next. So apparently there’s a theme. I find a challenge that means a lot to me, I prepare for it (training, etc.) and then I conquer it.
A lot of my life has been like that since April 2011. It started with 5Ks because I realized I loved running and what it did for my body and mind. It was 5K after 5K after 5K. Each time faster. Then it was a mud run: a new challenge. Getting dirty and climbing on walls. And then it was a 10K. And then it was Tour de Pink. But it’s also not just physical challenges. My storytelling night via The Moth in June 2012 was the starting point of many more public speaking appearances. And last week I modeled again as a breast cancer survivor in the Pink Zone’s fashion show and wine tasting fundraiser. I wrote my second “pink ribbon” column in The Gazette. And I plan to keep writing and keep sharing my story. And I’m going to keep challenging myself physically in the process.
Right after my diagnosis I recorded something into Sean’s iPhone. I had just started running thanks to him and if you have read most of Pink and Pearls you’ll know my first 5K was the morning I found the lump. My second 5K was the day after the fine needle aspiration. And you also know how, because of that, I can’t think of running without thinking about breast cancer. Running is my healing. I ran between surgeries (except with the expanders because ouch!), and I ran, and run, after breast cancer. Every time I go for a run, whether it’s 2 miles or 6 miles, I think of my body, how much I owe it, how much I love it, and how much I want to make it stronger and better.
But right after my diagnosis Sean and I were driving home from being out with friends and we talked about running and about how once the breast cancer was over I would run again. We decided to make it a promise. So I said, which he recorded and still has to this day: “(When all of this is over) I’m going to do all the races.”
Just like that. I said “all the races.”
OK. Counting the upcoming 5K I’m doing later this month, I will have done like 9 5Ks in the past two years. And one 10k. And one mud run. And one double century bike ride.
I get that it’s literally impossible to do “all the races” because that would mean I would be traveling the globe doing races every second of every day for the next 2,000 years.
“All the races” means all of MY races. The races I decide to sign up for, challenge myself with. “All the races” means nothing is off the table. It means once I’ve done 9 5Ks it’s time for the next step, which is why I did a 10K. It means that just because I wasn’t a cyclist, Tour de Pink wasn’t off the table. So I did that. And now Sean and I are thinking about signing up for a 10-miler on March 30, just one day before our second wedding anniversary! What a way to celebrate! The man I love, who introduced me to running, will run with me to celebrate two years of marriage. Together we’ll conquer 10 miles in our sneakers.
I did say I would rest a little after Tour de Pink. And trust me, I am. Going from cycling 5 days a week to not really does feel pretty relaxing. And I also waited one week post Tour de Pink to get back to running, and now I’m only running about 3 days a week. But once my training sets in for March, it will pick up. Don’t get me wrong: I love running and I do run just for fun. I run for myself and I run for myself. And if I never sign up for another race for the rest of my life I would be content. That being said, a little boost doesn’t hurt. Knowing I have a 10-miler in March pushes me a little more. I like having something to work towards.
And like I said, because of the LFS I do things now. Because I can and because I’m healthy.
And like I said, “I’m going to do all the races.”
But running and everything that goes with it is only part of the equation. My life is go-go-go. I’m always making plans. We’re always traveling. I’m always finding another challenge. I’m always embarking on new adventures. And when I’m asked to share my story at a public event, I always, always, always say yes.
Like my best friend Adam pointed out recently, a lot has happened in my life in the past two years. In no particular order, I got married, got new boobs, got a dog, built a house and rode 213 miles.
So what IS next? I think I’ll settle down and take it easy with a 10 mile run and a trip to Ireland. Oh, and I still have to bake that pie.
It’s not that these challenges and projects are addicting. It’s not that I’m never satisfied. Trust me, I am. I still revel in my Tour de Pink accomplishment and probably will for a long, long time, if not forever. (Remember I am supposed to tell my future children the time I rode 200 miles? Yes, I think I’ll always revel in it.)
I am completely satisfied, every single day, with my wonderful, beautiful life. I am completely and utterly blessed with everything I have and the most phenomenal husband in the world. My life has never, ever felt more full. My life feels like a happy, round tummy full of pie. (Really need to make that pie, huh?)
So that’s not why I do these challenges. I don’t need to prove anything to myself. I know I’m strong, capable and determined. I don’t need to prove anything to anyone else. Those who truly love me accept me as I am. I’m doing this because I WANT to. It gives me great joy to find new adventures and to experience new feelings and milestones.
So it’s not that I’m stirring until the next thing. It’s not that I NEED the next thing. Because, clearly, I don’t. I’ve done a lot of “things.”
I want the next thing.
I want the adventures.
Even if they make me a little crazy, even if they make me a little nervous (or a lot nervous), I know I thrive off of them.
When I was planning my wedding while undergoing surgeries you read that I made so many social plans just to keep my mind off things. I never had any down time, because when I did, I would worry. I was STIRRING. I NEEDED plans. I needed to be busy.
Now I don’t need to be busy. I am listening to my body more. If my body tells me I need a night on the couch watching Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, I lie on the couch and watch Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
I plan my physical activity on my Google calendar. If I don’t feel like running one morning and my body tells me I need more sleep, I don’t go for a run.
I have no problem saying no to social plans, or on making them work into my schedule so that I’m not booked every night of the week.
Yes, I’m still busy. But I make sure it’s things I love and enjoy. It just so happens I am a social person and it’s not uncommon for me to have plans four nights a week. But when I need to rest I rest.
With a lot of my life’s major stressors behind me (breast cancer and surgeries and the wedding planning) I don’t fill the need to fill any holes. I rest when I need to and run when I want to. I’m busy and active and I love it. That’s who I am.
But today it’s more about listening to my body and giving it what it needs. It needs to not worry about every little thing. It needs to breathe more. It needs to let go of negative people and things and places, and instead be filled with positive, uplifting people and things and places.
With a satisfied life (like a belly full of pie), I am not searching, looking, filling holes. I am just BEING. And that is something I never knew how to do before, or even knew before what it meant. (This was a theme many times in Pink and Pearls).
What is it to just BE? For me, it’s a beautiful balance between want and need. It’s not one or the other. It’s both, working together. Like peanut butter and jelly. Like Will and Grace.
I’ll be getting back to yoga this winter. I’m juicing more and eating more power foods and more raw foods. Less processed foods. More fruits (if that’s even possible), vegetables, herbs and spices. Seeing how certain foods make me feel. Finding foods that fuel me, finding out which ones don’t. I’m still on the coconut oil, apple cider vinegar, dandelion root, kale, hempseed, wheatgrass, seaweed kick. (I think it’s not so much a “kick” as much as it’s become part of my life now to eat those things.) But now I’m adding in more figs, eggplant, chia seeds, hard boiled eggs, pumpkin seeds, beets. More variety. (Dr. Sharma told me my blood was “beautiful” at my appointment two weeks ago so I think I am doing something right!)
And more mindfulness. More positive energy. Thanking my body for what it’s done for me. Not ever, ever punishing it. And not polluting it.
Since the beginning of this post we’ve moved around quite a bit, from being scared of getting cancer again to running and resting and kale and coconut oil.
So those must be my thoughts for the day.
Lots of thoughts on living. On new challenges. On new adventures. Perhaps my biggest fear isn’t LFS-related; it’s in halting improvement and change.
Call it crazy. Call it a “coping mechanism” for dealing with the fear of cancer again. Call it whatever you want.
I think in general people always want to grow and improve. People are always changing, as life is always changing.
Because LFS doesn’t get to have a say in how I live my life, or how “careful” I must be to not make plans just in case I get cancer again or my cancer comes back, it is MY call how we do things.
And I’ve found a perfect balance, it seems, between doing what I want and love, and in doing what I need to be able to do what I want and love.
I guess it’s pretty irrelevant if my fear of slowing down or not setting new goals has something to do with surviving cancer twice or the LFS. Sure it does. But it also has to do with ME, because this is who I am. And like I said, it’s irrelevant. I certainly don’t need a reason to keep on keeping on. Two years ago that was the hardest thing for me to do.
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