The next stone is scary



Happy Halloween 2013! Campbell went as himself, and I went as a cat!



This morning we met with an adoption attorney, the very first step in what is likely to be a long and stressful process. Prior to the meeting we had no idea what kind of adoption we want to do (private or through an agency, open or closed), what the next steps were, how to get started, etc.

This is the first time since we decided we were going to go the adoption route that I’ve actually been angry at the LFS for bringing us to this. And this is the first time I’ve really written on Pink and Pearls that we’re definitely going to be adopting. I’ve known for a while but never really ever typed it out. Well, I’m doing it now. We are going to adopt!

I KNOW adoption is going to be hard. It’s going to be really, really expensive. It’s going to be stressful. It’s going to be challenging. It’s going to be one of the hardest things we’ve ever done. But I knew all that. I know we have a long road ahead of us. And we’ve proven, time and time again, there is no challenge we can’t take on together.

And we know life doesn’t turn out how we sometimes hope for or plan for. We didn’t plan or hope for the breast cancer. We didn’t plan or hope for a rare genetic mutation that changes, literally, the entire way in which we live. But we got through it and are getting through it and doing the best we can.

Did we one day think adoption would be our best option? Probably not. But it is and we’re doing it.

Not that I have to explain myself or the choices Sean and I have made and are making regarding adoption, I will lay out the thought process to help explain how we got to this decision, and also to help me sort out, again, all of my thoughts, because there are aplenty.

Reasons why we’re choosing adoption. (Note: this could change in a few years, but this is what we decided now in order to start the process of having a child.)

1.       The Li Fraumeni Syndrome. There is a 50-50 chance I could pass on the LFS to my child. As you know, with LFS, there is a high chance of that child getting multiple cancers throughout their life, and especially as a baby, child and young adult. There ARE processes in which a mother’s egg can be tested for LFS and there are other medical processes and procedures that could potentially (potentially) reduce the risk of passing the genetic mutation on, but they are risky, expensive, don’t always work, and may not be best for my body. After reading about and meeting in Boston other families with children with LFS, it broke my heart. I know all children have a risk of getting sick, but I can’t knowingly pass on this mutation to my child. If I didn’t know about it prior, like is the case for many of these families, then that’s one thing. But now I know. I have the knowledge. I can’t have a child with LFS. I just can’t and I just won’t. I won’t raise a child that has to get blood tests and brain scans starting at infancy. I can’t have a child where I worry that every nose blood or every bruise is Leukemia. I won’t do that. There are other options.

2.       My personal cancer history. Because of my personal history of two separate cancers, I have chosen I do not want to put myself and my body through a natural pregnancy. Besides that, it may not be recommended for me to get pregnant, given that I’ve had breast cancer and breast cancer patients may be sensitive to hormones. (Short description: hormones are bad for women who’ve had breast cancer. Pregnancy creates hormones.)

Those are the two most straightforward reasons. We know we have other options, such as a gestational carrier, etc., but those carry their own risks and own challenges. So between the genetic mutation and my personal history, having a natural pregnancy is not the right option for me for a variety of reasons, many of them medical, many emotional, many complex.

Sean and I have been discussing this decision and have laid out the thought processes you just read for the past year or so. It’s a decision we eventually came to after lots of thought and discussion. Deep down in my heart I know this is the right choice right now. Deep down in my heart I truly believe this is the best option for us. Deep down in my heart I truly believe this is what I want. Deep down I truly believe in my heart we will make this happen, together.

Will it be hard? Yes. Harder than a natural pregnancy for someone with a personal history of cancer and a rare genetic mutation? Not sure of that.

These are only the very first steps of starting the adoption process: attending an informational session with an agency, and then deciding if we want to go the agency route, or the private route. Then, make a profile. This would include family pictures and information about me and Sean that would be made into a book and a webpage, explaining our family, highlighting our vacations, hobbies, things we love. We would use our profile to tell a potential adoptive mother and adopted child that we will provide unconditional love and support. That we, ourselves, are going to be amazing parents.

Then, once we decide if we’re going to use an agency or go through the process privately, we’ll need to get our home visits scheduled. This includes background checks, child abuse clearances, interviews, medical information and doctor’s letters as well as tax returns and other personal documents. This is likely to be a long, grueling process to not only gather this information, but also go through the actual process, which we were told by the attorney, will be very intrusive.

And then there are millions of steps, and expenses, after that, but those are the first.

I have lots of thoughts, so this is the first of many blog posts about this next step in our lives. I am excited and I am ready. This is a new chapter and we are blessed to be able to take it.

But for the first time since all of this I am just now realizing (or just now letting it soak in), what the LFS has done to us. We basically have to prove ourselves to the world that we are going to be great parents. We have to go through this whole long process just to have a child. It’s scary. I feel, for the first time, like the LFS has trapped us a little. I know we have options and I know adoption is our CHOICE, but I feel trapped in this process. We have to do ALL THIS just to get to a certain point, and then do ALL THIS just, JUST to have a baby. So, for the first time really, damn the LFS, not just for changing my life, but for REALLY changing our lives.

It shouldn’t have to be this hard, but it is.

And like I said earlier in the post, Sean and I are a team. There is no challenge we can’t conquer. We’ve already been through so much together and are stronger because of it. This is just another hurdle, another challenge. But it will also be a blessing. We are doing all of this hard, stressful stuff so we can have a child. We’re doing what we have to and what we need to, to take control of our lives.

I can say damn you, LFS. Damn you for making things so difficult, all the time. How I live my life, how I view my life, the doctors I see, the breasts I don’t have, the airport security scan I can’t go through, and now the baby I can’t have naturally. So, fine, damn you, LFS. You made it hard. You suck.

But, again, the LFS doesn’t have a say. It DID things to me and CAUSED me things, but it doesn’t get an opinion.

It doesn’t get to tell me to hold back. I’ve never held back before and I won’t know. We want a child so we’ll get a child.

I can be mad at the LFS and curse it. But it never did, and still doesn’t, get to say what we do with our lives.

We are moving forward. We’re thriving. We’re planning for the future. Is it harder than I thought it would be? Yes. Is life a little bit different than I pictured as a little girl? Yes.

It may be harder and it may be different but it’s still the best. None of that will ever change. This is another challenge that we’ll take on, and get through, together. This is our next step. This is our next stone on our life path. We have approached it and are ready to turn it over.