Shop, ski, sweat.

Me lighting the Shabbat candles last Friday night. Photo by Lloyd Wolf



Shop it out, ski it out, sweat it out

It just so happens that may be a powerful formula in knocking out even just a little of my seasonal depression.

This past weekend was amazing! My childhood friend Sally came to visit on Thursday. We hadn’t seen in each other in about 10 years, and have known each other since first grade. She had been living in London and then Australia, but we always stayed in touch. She reached out to me when I got engaged and when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and she supported me in Tour de Pink. We always followed each other through Facebook and email, and she always sent us holiday cards. She recently moved back to the states and made a trip after New Year’s to State College to see me and meet Sean and Campbell. We shopped on Friday afternoon, after I got off work, and buying a few new nice pieces, including two gorgeous and cozy pink sweaters, really helped lift my mood.

Later that Friday night my mom, Lloyd, Drew and Anna arrived for our (first) annual family ski weekend! I went skiing for the first time on Saturday. Technically, I had been before, if you count just a one-hour lesson 10 years ago. But my brother, mom and Sean all love to ski, so we decided to make a thing of it. I have to say, I was prepared to completely fail, since last time I tried I could barely even stand up in the skis. I thought to myself I will give it a try, but I don’t know how long I can last. After all, I hate the cold and snow and blah blah blah. But I found myself TOTALLY IN LOVE!

When I first put on the skis (or, rather, when Sean clicked my feet into them and I was reminded of the clip-ins on Pink Flash), I stood up, moved a little bit slowly down the hill and then fell over. I wasn’t able to stand back up right away. My skis were caught in the ropes on the side of the hill and I couldn’t maneuver myself enough to stand back up with my poles. I was also laughing hysterically which didn’t help.

But finally I told myself I was going to do this thing. I pulled myself up, listened to the instructions of my mom and Sean, and after one or two tries, was able to fully ski down the bunny slope without stopping or falling. Of course I need a lot more practice but I was able to do it!

Again and again I went, also using the ski lift for the first time. And it was scary. Being attached to the skis (think clips) was nerve-wracking, and sometimes I would go so fast I thought I was going to crash into something or someone. But again and again I told myself “we’re ok” and “we don’t panic” (as if I’m talking to more than one of myself), and each time I got outside of my head, listened to my body, and was able to regain control when my legs felt astray.

And each time I hopped onto the ski lift (it got easier the more I did it), I overlooked the bunny slope, tubing hill and the other slopes, with the sun in my face, and found myself actually smiling. AHHHH this is what I needed: being outside in the sun and trying something new and loving it. New challenges, new experiences, in the sun with family and friends. I felt refreshed. Skiing wasn’t easy but it was fun and I was having a blast.

It was totally an awesome day. My mom and I tried the snow tubing that afternoon with Lloyd, while Drew and Sean continued to ski.

Then Monday I hit the treadmill after a nearly a week hiatus. (I ran 4 miles New Year’s Eve but hadn’t run since.)

It felt good to sweat it out. I’ll pick up where I left off: trying to run 10-15 miles a week, and once we register for the 10-miler our training can begin. I’m also back to yoga starting this weekend.

And yesterday I met with Dr. Sharma, my oncologist, for my regular four-month checkup. Blood work looked great (phew) and she was REALLY impressed with my heart rate and blood pressure.

So between some self love (shopping), some new outdoor winter activities (skiing) and some sessions on the treadmill, I am feeling a little more like myself. Pair that with upping the fruits and vegetables again and I am feeling a lot better. Tummy feels better with more veggies.

And I really have wrapped myself in the promise of spring. There are lots of really fun plans coming up in April, May, June. And even February will be busy with Pink Zone, THON weekend and our trip to Florida. Plus we have a meeting and a workshop coming up for the adoption. It will be nice to really relax and focus on my wellbeing the rest of the month, since nothing too big is happening, and then I’ll be ready for some more busy weekends and adventure come February.

And I’m very focused on my 2014 goals, which include starting a book based on Pink and Pearls (or starting to think about how I’m going to write this book, which is something I’ve thought about for many years), donating my hair to Locks of Love or Pantene Great Lengths (I should be able to do it by May or June, according to my stylist who has been helping me grow it out), and have a serious discussion about what my next physical challenge will be. Will it be Tour de Pink 2014? Will I be ready for a half-marathon by the spring? (Yes, probably). It will be one or both of those things. I am ready for both. Able to do both. But I need to figure it out. I have to give thought, taking into consideration we’ll be in Ireland at the end of August, and the adoption process and where we’ll be with it in the spring, in the fall, etc.

2014 holds a lot for us, and I’m excited.

I’ve embraced my wintry slump. Temperatures so cold my body shuts down when I walk outside. Headaches from the cold wind. I’m in my slump. FIINE. I get it. I’m here. I’m working on not getting out of it, but getting through it. Powering through. Two pairs of socks, a little more tired, I want to eat a large gooey cinnamon bun. But I am blessed this winter. We are healthy and we are happy. I am counting my blessings. Good blood work.

And I’ve found little ways to use what I already have in order to find more peace through the chaos.

During my lunch break, if it’s my turn to feed and walk Campbell, after his lunch and walk I will spend some extra time with him in the living room. I’ll sit on the couch with him while he sleeps, or I’ll get down on the floor with him and look into his eyes and whisper to him. It calms both of us down. I feel my heart rate dropping when I’m looking at him. (Unless he’s eating the backyard fence or eating food off the counter or barking at me. But when he’s NOT doing those things and is calm and well-behaved, staring into his eyes and petting him can be really relaxing.)

I’m reading more before bed, and also stretching out on my foam roller before bed, which I hadn’t been doing. I used my foam roller every day during and after my surgeries, and when I had Megan, my physical therapist, once a week. My scar tissue in my chest and right armpit was so severe that even though I stretched out every day, the pain came back the next day as if it never left. So I learned to roll out the pains using my foam roller.

I still have those pains and tightness, though not as brutal as before. And “rolling out” before bed helps dramatically in calming me down before bed. My Ambien prescription will eventually run out (I probably have 2-3 more weeks of use, tops, at like 2-3 times a week), so I HAVE to get myself to fall asleep naturally. And don’t get me started on the Melatonin, Valerian Root, Passionflower, Kava, etc. None of that helps. I’ve “tried it all,” but am thinking about other methods, maybe acupuncture, to help.

But right now using the foam roller seems to help at least relax me a little.

So I’m feeling a little more like myself.

I see the plastic surgeon in two weeks to check on my implants, and Dr. Kass next month, not for a breast MRI (that comes in August), but for a regular checkup. Always nervous before these appointments, but they are necessary.

Whether I get used to them or not, they are the norm now. Just like Dr. Sharma and blood work every four months. This is the norm. This is what we do. It isn’t always pleasant but I’m happy I’m doing it. It’s a plan and we’ve figured it out.

I hope everyone’s year has started out, and is, happy, healthy and prosperous.

2014 may be the year I run a half-marathon. 2014 may be the year we have a child.

2014 WILL be the year I finally donate my hair, after thinking about it for many years.

2014 WILL be the year Sean and I travel to Ireland for the first time.

2014 WILL be the year Sean and I complete our first 10-miler together.

2014 is one more year away from the breast cancer. It’s one more year away from my last surgery. This will be the third year I walk onto the court during the Pink Zone game as a three-year survivor. My third Pink Zone as a survivor.

And just like other years, 2014 is scary because we never know what could be thrown our way. I’m always scared of looking too ahead, of planning too far in advance. Because of the Leukemia before my Bat Mitzvah, the breast cancer before my wedding.

And then I was scared of having a breast MRI before our honeymoon in case something showed up. And then I was scared of building a house in case I got cancer again. And a little part of me is scared of welcoming a child into our lives in case I get sick again.

But we do these things, fear or not. We just do them.

We don’t panic.

If we feel we’re sliding down the hill too fast we adjust our skis.

And we carry on.