Under a pile of laundry

Warning: there are going to be some not-so-pretty confessions, which I am sure many working-mom-breast-cancer-survivors-LFS-patients can relate to, no? 

I truly apologize for not updating. A LOT has happened since I last wrote. Let's start with the big stuff first: my nose biopsy came back benign, and since my last post we have had Pink Zone 2015 and the YSC Summit in Houston. 

Oh, and I'm doing Tour de Pink East Coast 2015. Oh, and we have nine people on Team Pink and Pearls.

I feel like each of those things (Pink Zone, Tour de Pink, YSC Summit) each need their own blog posts, but for now I'll just update, update, update.

We are all good and healthy and Adele is doing beautifully! She squeals when she sees Mama and Dada and Campbell, stands up in her crib, and crawls SUPER fast!

The YSC Summit, if I could even sum it up into a few words, was a phenomenal weekend. I connected with my Tour de Pink family, many of whom I'll ride with this October; I met some other LFS warriors (young women like myself, also breast cancer survivors); made 500 new friends; attended eye-opening sessions on sexuality and intimacy, healthy eating and nutrition, living "green" and organic, life after breast cancer, etc., and tried Crossfit for the first time!

Snow day kisses and selfies <3

Peas, cheese and Cheerios!

I feel like I've wanted to start this post so many times but I always put it off, which makes writing harder when I DO get around to it, because then I have more and more to say. The truth is that although things have been going really well, I've been really overwhelmed lately - more so than usual. Yes, I'm always overwhelmed in one way or another, but usually not in a way that I feel like I'm dropping some of those many balls I have in the air.

Everything really truly IS going well. Work is busy. Our social life is busy. Adele is great. We are all great. We had a busy February, and this spring brings even more plans, including Adele's first birthday party, which, of course, I'm already planning.

But on the inside I am SO overwhelmed. I still feel like I'm keeping up with everything in one way (being a mom, working full time, going to cycling and yoga), but on the other hand, I haven't unpacked from Florida in December, and most recently from Houston earlier this month. Laundry is piling up. I always manage to get Adele's laundry done and her clothes lined up for the week, but my laundry is a different story. It just doesn't happen. I get most things DONE, but it's harder and harder. The motivation is barely there. I'm still DOING, but it's harder to DO. And it's not the extra stuff - Tour de Pink or being on the Hadassah board. I'm making those work WITH me; I'm in control of them and not the other way around. (i.e.: I'm not going to be riding all of Tour de Pink and I'm not going to be riding with clips. I really want to ride this year, but I want to do it MY way, and that means I don't have time to train for 7 months like I did in 2013, and I don't want to force myself to wear the clips if they freak me out. -- and I'm not going to every meeting or social plan or signing up for everything. I'm doing what I want and when I want; making the plans I want and making THEM work for ME. I don't force myself to read all of my book club books, and sleep ranks higher than shaving my legs) So I'm balancing, YES, and I'm getting it all done and I'm making it happen, I'm just so UN-motivated. I am overwhelmed with my feelings more than with my activities and commitments. Does that make sense?

I just feel like everything is piling: laundry, emails, household chores, little tasks. It's sometimes too much to bring my gym bag in from the car. Confessions, because this is an open, honest blog: Did you catch the part about my suitcase not being unpacked from Florida in December?! Because that's ridiculous.

It's sometimes too much to bring my boots upstairs after I take them off. I haven't put away my laundry in forever. Literally, I can't remember the last time I PUT away my laundry. I just dig out clean clothes from the dryer or hamper. My socks ... they don't ever match. Because I haven't put away my clean laundry.

--ok, this post STARTED as a short update post, but now that I am writing I am kind of just letting the confessions and feelings pour out.

I'm embarrassed when I get my pedis that I haven't shaved my legs. Yes, I have time to go get a pedi, but not shave my legs.

I feel like there is no amount of coffee in the world that can keep me awake and get me through the day. I am drinking like GALLONS of it, yet yawning through the morning, afternoon and evening. (Even though I'm sleeping 7-8 hours a night).

I have ZERO energy. And I don't know why. Is it all the hats I wear or all the balls I have in the air or all my ducks I try so hard to keep in a row?

I can sign up for Tour de Pink and essentially train to ride 200 miles on a bike, yet I can't put away my laundry?

I can get my manis and pedis and get my eyebrows waxed, but I can't unpack my suitcase from three months ago?

I can be an awesome mom and work 8 hours a day (including writing research articles from abstracts), yet I can't keep up with our thank-you notes?

I can plan and host successful parties and events, and (to date), raise $1,700 for Tour de Pink, yet I can't take off my makeup before bed or floss as much as I should?

I can eat a healthy diet and spend extra time and money buying and preparing fruit, yet unloading the dishwasher is a daunting task?

I hate writing posts like this because I pride myself on "having everything together."

But the truth is I don't. I don't claim to, either.

And I've always just said it's OK - that the big stuff matters, that as long as we are all happy and healthy, and the baby is fed and warm and safe and happy, and that I go to work and I get up everyday and I still sing to Adele in the mornings (which I do), that I could give myself a pass for not always doing the laundry. After all, I have a lot on my plate. I work full time and we have a baby. I'm also dealing with living with LFS - the medical stress that adds. I always said it was just OK as long as the important stuff was getting done.

But now this needs to be brought up to Dr. Kelly, who I will see on Friday. The simple tasks seem too much. It's always been the big stuff before. The half marathon or the 200 mile bike ride or the baby. Not the laundry or the dishes.

Now it's the laundry and the dishes. I just feel so tired.

My Barbells for Boobs shirt I got from the YSC Summit

Pink Zone 2015!

YSC Summit: taking advantage of the photo props =)

THOSE EYES!

YSC Summit with Abby, Lynn and Nicole!

Crossfit with Barbells for Boobs at the YSC Summit!

Again, there is so much more I can and want to write about, but I want to get this post out to let everyone know I still exist and I'm still marching along, despite the feeling of drowning under piling laundry.

I'm OK. We're OK. I'll get through this. Now you know I'm not perfect :)

And I'm hitting "publish" before I change my mind. GO.