It's OK to hang up a hat

I wear many hats. First and foremost I am a wife and mother; Sean and Adele are the most important people to me in this whole world - and Campbell the most important canine. I'm also a writer, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a breast cancer survivor and advocate, and a LFS patient and advocate. 

I take all of these hats seriously. There is not a single hat I don't wear all the time. Every day I'm a mother and a wife. Every day I go into work, eight hours a day, 40 hours a week, and I'm a writer. As a friend I maintain new and lifelong relationships; I plan outings and events and parties; I stay in touch and support friends who are having happy times (weddings and babies) and friends who are having tough times (illnesses and tragedies). I like to believe (and I hope I am) the best friend I can possibly be for the people who mean the most to me in this whole world. I hope I am giving back the love and care that I've been shown, especially at some of the hardest and also happiest moments in my life.

Making Sean a chalk picture for Father's Day

Adele at Molly's 1st birthday party

I'm also a sister and daughter: my brother and my mom are also most important to me in this whole world, along with my in-laws and my other siblings - Julie and Seth, and their spouses, partners and children. I work hard to maintain valuable relationships with my family - immediate and extended - as their love and support carries us through life.

As a breast cancer survivor and advocate, I share my experiences with breast cancer, while also being able to say I've come through the disease. Through my advocacy I am involved with the Young Survival Coalition, PA Breast Cancer Coalition and Pink Zone, plus countless friends I've made over the years through this outreach. I am, every single day, by looking in the mirror and feeling pain in my back and chest, reminded I am a survivor. And every single day I am involved with the breast cancer world. 

Harper and Adele sharing a picnic at the park

Adele and Claire playing at Molly's birthday party

Adele and Brandon on the slide

Since Ishiuan's death in March, we've lost two other breast cancer sisters: Sarita two weeks ago, and Rachel this week. And in addition to these tragic deaths, almost every day I learn of other breast cancer sisters who have become metastatic or developed a second cancer. Breast cancer surrounds me. It's the world I'm in. I've met hundreds of women through the YSC and its events - Summit and Tour de Pink. I'm a a student adviser for the Pink Zone organization at Penn State. I'm the face of Centre County for the PA Breast Cancer Coalition's traveling photo exhibit, which features one woman from each county in the state that has been touched by breast cancer. I have spoken at countless events. This very blog is my story. I am IN IT. All the time. And while most of the time it is rewarding, it can also be hard. Very hard.

The young women I've met through the YSC are an extension of me. Their story is my story. They are young and vibrant. Many of them working full time, and many of them mothers. All of them energetic and passionate. And when some of them pass away, a little piece of me dies too. Because I see these women and I think of myself. That's how and why I got involved with the YSC in the first place - to meet other women LIKE MYSELF. To find support from women LIKE ME. Who are dealing with the same issues I am dealing with, or dealt with. 

Adele tries out the waterslide!

Ready for the pool!

At the pool! :)

Though I am five years out, the breast cancer never goes away. Like I said, I am reminded of its impact on me every day. Through looking in the mirror at my scars, putting on a bathing suit, the pain in my back and neck from my implants, the pain of my implants - it's always there. But when a sister dies, it's there even more. And sometimes I need to take a step back.

I always live for the future, even after facing cancer twice. Although sometimes I am afraid of getting sick again, Sean and I make commitments. (house, dog, jobs, baby). We plan for the future. We live like I'm healthy. Because I am. I AM healthy. We don't live like I'm going to get sick. Because that's no way to live.

But when a sister dies, the fear comes back.

A fear that's, literally, quite always there.

Graduation party fun

Father's Day brunch

Sometimes I need to put forth more effort to focus on today and the future: our lives today and enjoying the special moments with Adele. It's OK for me not to be an advocate all the time. Yes, my survivors' guilt kicks in and I feel the need to mourn for these women. I feel the need to share their stories because of the grief I feel; I want to release it into the world because it is too much for me to carry on my own.

Celebrating Molly's birthday!

Going for a walk

Sally came to visit from Chicago, continuing our annual tradition!

Tara's bridal shower!

And that's OK. I can mourn. But the best way to honor these women is to LIVE. I have, right here in front of me, the very life I've always wished for and dreamed of. I am a mom and a wife. I have a beautiful family and beautiful friends and a beautiful house and a job that I love. And my husband is my biggest supporter. We are the best team I could have ever hoped for. So I must live it. Maybe live it a little bit more, with a little less hats.

I'm going to put my advocacy hat on the shelf for now, to focus more on my mommy and wife hat. My life is now and I must continue to live it. It doesn't mean I can't mourn these sisters; it simply means I must also carry on. For their wish, after all, was to do the same.

Karishma's bridal shower!

Adele's Minnie Mouse Bowtique 2nd birthday party was a huge success!

This summer has brought, and will bring, the most amazing moments and events. We've had birthday parties and bridal showers. More travel is coming up. Adele has been swimming at the pool and riding her tricycle and drawing with chalk and tending to her flowers. We are outside at the pool or in the park. We're having BBQs with friends. We're celebrating weddings and babies. Just how I LOVE summer to be, we're busy as bees, and I'm loving every minute of our sand-filled, sun-kissed lives.

My mom hat is one of the best. It's one of my favorite hats. (Ok, it's my favorite hat?)

And I need to keep it maintained, and clean, and energetic. I love wearing it. I wear it proudly. It's a huge part of who I am. (Ok, my favorite part?). This needs to be my primary hat, as it's been since Adele was born. 

Adele's 2nd birthday party

I'm going to take a step back from my advocacy work and focus on now and the future. Focus on my family hats. For today and the future. Because I know the future is bright, and I'll need my mommy hat more than ever.