Since my diagnosis I've been twisting and pulling this recent situation (me getting breast cancer while planning my wedding) in a million different directions, trying, as hard as I possibly can, to find the good in it, whether it's one thing or 10. And I HAVE found good in all this. Many things, actually. It was hard for me to accept the fact that I had to plan my wedding while going through all this. I didn't just want to "settle" on that it was unfair. That's why I pulled and twisted, like a piece of taffy (or like Gumby slightly melted), trying to form any new way of thinking I possibly could. Look at it this way and that way. Under this light, under that light. From this perspective, from that. And like I said, I did find MANY good things that came out of this situation. Finding the good in bad situations is what keeps us going. It's what keeps us fighting, surviving. Without it, we succumb to life's every disapointment and devestation. If we don't look for the good in the bad then we lose control and sight of who we are and why we're here. We let the bad things in life not only knock us down, but keep us there.
So, as much as I twisted and pulled, and turned into knots this now nearly palpable situation, it always came back to one thing: this sucks. That doesn't mean that I don't try, every day, to find the good in life, and actually FIND it, or that I, for one second, give up living my life. But there's no escaping it. It's not fair and it sucks. But speaking to a good friend and co-worker yesterday, I realized, there are ways I haven't yet tried to twist and turn my taffy.
She brought new light to my situation. I had already figured out that this breast cancer diagnosis while planning my wedding was going to make me stronger, and make my relationship with Sean stronger. It was going to bring our families even closer together. It was going to bring our friends even closer together. As terrible as a thing breast cancer is, I knew fighting it together (the disease and its impact on us emotionally and mentally) was going to create a new, special strength between me and Sean. It would give us new meaning, new power, new life. I would never wish this upon myself, even now, but now that it's happened, I have to believe I will somehow benefit from it. And those are the ways I believe I will.
I also knew that fighting breast cancer while planning the wedding would make the wedding a bigger, more meaningful celebration in the end. As big as weddings already are, and as much as a celebration as it already IS to be getting married, this fight and this journey would give us all more reason to celebrate our marriage. We would celebrate all the things we would have, had none of this happened, like the merging of two families and two souls for life. But now, we'll be celebrating all that, and more. That we fought together. Heartache and tears. All of us. Me and Sean. Our families and friends. We've all been in this together since the very beginning. And we got through it. And we'll continue to get through it. The breast cancer (and everything that came with) taught us to survive and thrive in ways we never imagined we'd have to.
On that note, my friend brought up something she said she's noticed in me over the past few months while I'm planning my wedding, and that's that I'm going to go all out, so to speak. Meaning I'm doing things I might not be doing had I not fought breast cancer over the past few months. At first I had to think about what things I'm going "all out" in. I had always, from day one, known what type of flowers I'd want, the colors of the wedding, and what I wanted my dress and hair to look like. But would I even be CONSIDERING getting eyelash extensions? No. Absolutely not. The eyelash extensions are my "extravagant" detail for the wedding. They are my little personal thing. My personal detail, that, no matter how silly or stupid it sounds, is being done for ME. Because I want to try it. Because it's a little ridiculous. But now is the time to be ridiculous. This is my big moment.
And the Mikvah. Something I'm also considering going to, but probably wouldn't had I not been through this. The Mikvah is part of Jewish tradition. It is basically a body of water, built into the ground (usually at the bottom of synagogues) where women go, privately, for many different reasons. One reason is to "cleanse" themselves, so it can be done before getting married or having children. Some Orthodox women go every month. Anyway, there's a lot more to it, but I don't know much yet, so I've been reading about it online, and I also have a book my friend sent me in the mail describing the history behind the Mikvah, its meanings and traditions, uses, etc. Anyway, my reason to go isn't necessarily to "cleanse" myself before entering marriage. It would be to prepare myself for a new chapter, and furthermore, to bring me closer to G-d during this very meaningful time in my life. I'm looking for a spiritual connection and meaning. I'm not really that religious of a person (most holidays I celebrate with food and presents, you see), which is why I think people may be confused about why I want to go. But one of the most wonderful things about Judaism is that you can practice how you wish, and for the most part, tailor your practice to your own personal needs, feelings and desires. As I'm getting ready to get married (the biggest life step I've ever taken), I want to look to G-d and feel connected, especially after going through this battle. I don't want answers or clarification. I want to just feel connected to G-d as I leave one chapter of my life and enter another. I do pray, in my own personal way, and Judaism has been an important part of my life. Growing up I was surrounded by it. The food, the culture, the family. I love all of it, every single detail. And I feel going to the Mikvah kind of fits into this big life step. It kind of ties it all together. Me, as a Jewish woman, preparing to get married, who just overcome cancer (again.) I feel it will connect me, even more, to the things in life I hold most dear and find most important. Part of that is my faith, and how it ties into getting married and living a Jewish life with Sean and raising a Jewish family.
I'm sure there are other things I'm going (little personal things) for the wedding I may not be doing had I not just fought breast cancer. I can even think of a few now, but I can't say because they must remain a surprise!
It's just so hard to picture how I'd be now, three months to the wedding, had I not been through all this. I'm sure most of the wedding would be the same. The large aspects of it. But maybe the little details, or things I'm doing mostly for me personally, might not be. (Extended eyelashes and a trip to the Mikvah). Maybe I'm going "all out" with little things that will make the day (and me) feel more special, because it is my special day after all. And these little things seem to be the ones maybe only I'll notice. And that's really the beauty of it all. Unless I tell people, nobody will KNOW I went to the Mikvah. But I'll know I did it, and I'll know why, and I'll feel good because of it, because I reached a new level of spirituality for this big moment in my life. So maybe, yes, it's the little things. Things that seem excessive to maybe the "old me," which is someone I really can't picture now. Just like I can't picture the me who never had Leukemia as a child.
Some things that happen to us are bad and they cause our worlds to collapse. But we are who we are because of them. As terrible as this breast cancer journey has been, I like the "new me," the breast cancer survivor-me, better than the "old me." I like me now. And as beautiful as the wedding would have been had I not had breast cancer while planning it, I like the way it's shaping up now. The little details, mostly for me, I wouldn't have thought about before. The breast cancer made all of this hard. There's no doubting that or escaping it, or even twisting it just a little. But what about the good it's done? Just like some people teach themselves to love life more or live better after a near-death experience or illness, maybe I'm doing something like that with the wedding. I've always appreciated everything in life. I've always appreciated every single moment of being engaged and planning the wedding. And I know I will love every second of the wedding, and my married life after. Even if only I know it, maybe certain things about the wedding will be more meaningful to me because I've made them that way. BECAUSE I've fought breast cancer and found a different way to look at life and love and marriage and weddings. Because maybe, just maybe, I've found ME a little bit more.
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Friday, December 16, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Pain.
Pain. Such a simple, four-letter word. Yet it is huge. It is so much bigger than four letters. Pain has been one of the main factors in my breast cancer journey. Sure, there's worrying and anxietities and the emotional and mental toll cancer has had on me. The waiting and wondering and stress of decisions. The fear. The paralyzing fear. Those things, though they have a huge and constant impact on my life, are being worked on. Meaning I am talking about my fears and anxieties. I'm seeing a professional. I'm working on getting through these feelings. Yes, it could take years. But I'm working on them. And there's always hope that I can get THROUGH them with the love, care and support of my fiancee, family and friends. But pain. Pain is the one thing that I feel completely helpless about.
While it's true I have a LOT less than now with the implants than I did with the expander, I still have pain. Not debilitating, like before. Driving is more comfortable. Sleeping is better. Wearing bags and purses feels better. Hugging doesn't hurt as much. All of those things have improved with the removal of my expander. But I guess I expected something more, and sooner, when it comes to pain relief. My plastic surgeon told me it could be MONTHS until I feel like myself again. I have to remember I'm just now getting to the two-month mark from my implant surgery. And yes, the pain IS better. But in no way is it gone, or even close to being gone. Bras still hurt. Even sports bras. Stretching still hurts. Bending over still hurts. Sleeping in some positions still hurts. I still have a tight, pulling feeling on my right side, where the expander was. Both sides still get "pangs" of pain that last a few seconds. But it's mostly the tight feeling that bothers me. Lifting my arm up, standing up after sitting for a long period of time. Sneezing. Sneezing STILL bothers me.
I don't expect instant relief or results. That's not how surgery works. I guess I expected, with the implant surgery, to one day just feel completely better. But like with all things, it doesn't work that way. Especially surgery. I guess relief from this (complete relief) will come slowly. It's not like one day I will just feel amazing. The pain will creep away slowly over the next few months. Things will still hurt as I work my way back into physical activity. Running at the gym, lifting weights, dancing at weddings. Things will just hurt for a while. But I have to remember my body is still getting used to two foreign objects lodged beneath my chest wall. Sure, they are squishy objects, but they are still foreign. My body has to adapt to them. I have to adapt to them. And getting breast implants after a mastectomy is nothing like getting them with actual breasts still there. While it's true my right side had plenty of time to stretch out and make room for the implant through months of having the expander, it still has to get used to having an implant there. There's no tissue there. My plastic surgeon described it like the expander had created a "pocket" so the implant on that side would kind of settle almost immediately, and would feel more comfortable than the other side. That was true in the beginning. Right after my surgery it was the left side that hurt a lot. But now, the left side seems to be doing OK, and the right side still hurts. It's still tight and pulling and uncomfortable.
So the pain is something I feel I can't control. I stretch every day. But really, there's nothing else I can do except wait, and try to believe one day it WILL feel OK. I also have to believe that the OK feeling won't come "one day." It will come over a long period of time. I won't just all of a sudden notice it; I'll become acustomed to the actual "healing" process of it still hurting every day, and hopefully getting a little better each day.
My body has gone through a lot of trauma between May and now. I have to give it time to heal. I have to be patient. It's just hard because the pain reminds of every day I'm not quite "there" yet. Though now, the difference is, there's no rush to get "there." There are no more surgeries scheduled. Now I just let time runs its course. It can only get better. There's nothing left to do.
It's just frustrating to not feel 100 percent yet. And to want to feel 100 percent after so many months of not. I want to be able to put this behind me. As Dory says in Finding Nemo: "just keep swimming."
And my all-time favorite, via Albert Einstein: "Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving."
I can say I've "kept moving" throughout this whole process, pain and all. And it's hard. But I need to constantly remind myself it won't always be hard. A time will come when I won't have pain. I'm not sure when that will be, and honestly, I hate waiting for it and am extremely frustrated by it. I am angered that I'm forced to always think about it because now, there's no escaping it. Pain still comes with each move I make. And it's funny, because no matter how long it lasts or how long you have it for, you never, ever get used to pain.
While it's true I have a LOT less than now with the implants than I did with the expander, I still have pain. Not debilitating, like before. Driving is more comfortable. Sleeping is better. Wearing bags and purses feels better. Hugging doesn't hurt as much. All of those things have improved with the removal of my expander. But I guess I expected something more, and sooner, when it comes to pain relief. My plastic surgeon told me it could be MONTHS until I feel like myself again. I have to remember I'm just now getting to the two-month mark from my implant surgery. And yes, the pain IS better. But in no way is it gone, or even close to being gone. Bras still hurt. Even sports bras. Stretching still hurts. Bending over still hurts. Sleeping in some positions still hurts. I still have a tight, pulling feeling on my right side, where the expander was. Both sides still get "pangs" of pain that last a few seconds. But it's mostly the tight feeling that bothers me. Lifting my arm up, standing up after sitting for a long period of time. Sneezing. Sneezing STILL bothers me.
I don't expect instant relief or results. That's not how surgery works. I guess I expected, with the implant surgery, to one day just feel completely better. But like with all things, it doesn't work that way. Especially surgery. I guess relief from this (complete relief) will come slowly. It's not like one day I will just feel amazing. The pain will creep away slowly over the next few months. Things will still hurt as I work my way back into physical activity. Running at the gym, lifting weights, dancing at weddings. Things will just hurt for a while. But I have to remember my body is still getting used to two foreign objects lodged beneath my chest wall. Sure, they are squishy objects, but they are still foreign. My body has to adapt to them. I have to adapt to them. And getting breast implants after a mastectomy is nothing like getting them with actual breasts still there. While it's true my right side had plenty of time to stretch out and make room for the implant through months of having the expander, it still has to get used to having an implant there. There's no tissue there. My plastic surgeon described it like the expander had created a "pocket" so the implant on that side would kind of settle almost immediately, and would feel more comfortable than the other side. That was true in the beginning. Right after my surgery it was the left side that hurt a lot. But now, the left side seems to be doing OK, and the right side still hurts. It's still tight and pulling and uncomfortable.
So the pain is something I feel I can't control. I stretch every day. But really, there's nothing else I can do except wait, and try to believe one day it WILL feel OK. I also have to believe that the OK feeling won't come "one day." It will come over a long period of time. I won't just all of a sudden notice it; I'll become acustomed to the actual "healing" process of it still hurting every day, and hopefully getting a little better each day.
My body has gone through a lot of trauma between May and now. I have to give it time to heal. I have to be patient. It's just hard because the pain reminds of every day I'm not quite "there" yet. Though now, the difference is, there's no rush to get "there." There are no more surgeries scheduled. Now I just let time runs its course. It can only get better. There's nothing left to do.
It's just frustrating to not feel 100 percent yet. And to want to feel 100 percent after so many months of not. I want to be able to put this behind me. As Dory says in Finding Nemo: "just keep swimming."
And my all-time favorite, via Albert Einstein: "Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving."
I can say I've "kept moving" throughout this whole process, pain and all. And it's hard. But I need to constantly remind myself it won't always be hard. A time will come when I won't have pain. I'm not sure when that will be, and honestly, I hate waiting for it and am extremely frustrated by it. I am angered that I'm forced to always think about it because now, there's no escaping it. Pain still comes with each move I make. And it's funny, because no matter how long it lasts or how long you have it for, you never, ever get used to pain.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Step 1: make a list
No. 1 on my list: Make a list
I just discovered today that the wedding planning and pre-wedding "period" of life has entered, officially, a new gear. A higher gear. We're moving faster and things are happening. More things. More happening.
Just yesterday our Ketubah came in. I'm in the midst of writing thank you notes from bridal showers #2 and #3. We're getting gifts in the mail, every day. My wedding dress came in last week and I scheduled my first fitting. Our tasting is scheduled with the caterer. The invitations are ordered, and according to Sean's email, they are en route to our very house as we speak! Our favors have been ordered. To my knowledge most of the groomsmen have been fitted for, and ordered their tuxes.
I've had three bridal showers and am now waiting for my bachelorette weekend next month. After that is two aufrufs.
Now, of course, most of the "big stuff" has been done already for the wedding, save actually sending the invitations, getting them back, and then doing the seating arrangements. But there's still little odds and ends, which probably won't be done for a while, and don't need to be, like, say, the guest book for the wedding, a possible cake topper, and little other things I can't really talk about. But I've been collecting and putting together my bridal party gifts and survival kits for months now, and am nearly ready to send out an itinerary to my bridal party. And then there's things I THINK we did but can't remember if we did, like, did we finalize the menu for the rehearsal dinner? The venue is booked, but did we do the menu yet? Do we need more rooms in our block at the hotel? What about Sunday brunch? Is that squared away? Is our florist taking care of the table numbers? What are we doing for place cards?
So, I resort to one of my favorite coping and getting-things-done- mechanisms: a list. After speaking with my therapist today, I realized I am slightly more overwhelmed than I first thought, and making a list seems like the appropriate thing to do right now. So, first thing on my list? Make a list.
Done.
I actually LOVE making lists, and this should come as no surprise to anyone. Lists are my way of turning chaos into controlled chaos, of turning little floating particles of to-do's to DONE, and finding a place for my craziness in little slots on a piece of paper. I also love itineraries. Not that I'm so anal I need to plan out every detail of every day, but I like having certain things planned and I like to know what I'm doing, who I'm seeing, and, of course, what I should be wearing.
Every item has a box next to it, to be checked off as it gets done. But, there aren't just wedding to-do's on this list. There's also all the holiday and birthday stuff that has kind of crept up on me, like Hanukkah and birthday gifts for my brother, finishing my thank you notes from my last two bridal showers, making my next eyebrow waxing appointment (yes, everything goes on the list), sending out holiday cards, getting ready for the Hanukkah party I'm hosting and actually COOKING for, buying a strapless bra for a friend's New Years' Eve wedding, where I'll be wearing the very same red spaghetti strap, floor-length dress I wore to my junior prom nearly 10 years ago, getting a frame for the Ketubah, ordering the final batch of bridal party gifts, parents' wedding gifts, the wedding programs, and, of course, the additional regular work and personal stuff. Doctor's appointments, picking up prescriptions, blah blah blah. Oh me, oh my. But I love it.
Making a list reminds me, that while I do have a lot to do all of a sudden, it WILL all get done, and instead of 10 million things, it's actually more like 50, spread out between now and March. Also, we have to plan our honeymoon. INSERT DEEP BREATH HERE. Am I breathing? Checking .... yup, I am. Good.
No. 2 on my list: I'm OK.
So, this is a crazy subtitle, yes. But there is another thing I realized recently, and this actually has nothing to do with making lists. In the spirit of discovering habits (see yesterday's blog about my subconsciously "feeling" around my body for lumps and bumps), I figured out I have developed another habit, of both thinking and saying my feelings, that I have created, of not being OK yet. I know I have these thoughts as a way "protect" myself and "control" my life. I think, and tell people, that I'm "done for now" with the breast cancer. Yes, that's true. I can't ever say I'm done because I don't KNOW if I'll get breast cancer again, and also because I KNOW I'm getting another mastectomy. I realized last night, as Sean and I were at one of his office's holiday party (which was beautiful! I love mingling with people and getting dressed up!), I tell people these things. I don't mean I actually TELL them I'm getting another mastectomy or that I'm scared of getting cancer again. But many of Sean's co-workers know about my breast cancer and have been extremely kind and supportive. They asked how I was doing last night, told me I looked great, and said they were happy to see me doing so well. All things I enormously appreciate. But I find myself not believing it. When people ask how I'm doing, or ask about my breast cancer, I give them the short, short version of the story: I was diagnosed in April, but it was caught really early so two surgeries were able to remove it without treatment, and so I'm done .... FOR NOW. Like I said before, yes, it's true, I am done for now. But the way I'm saying it is with caution and doubt. Anyone who has survived cancer (or any other serious illness) knows this: you never feel done. You never feel cured. You never feel "in the clear" no matter how many good test results you get. And that's part of life. That's part of survivorship, and that's you are always, always STILL surviving. But in talking about me surviving breast cancer, and planning the wedding, I hesitate to really express that now I'm in the clear and I can fully engulf all of this. My surgeries are over, and the next big thing is my wedding. Even though I could before, I can REALLY now be excited about the wedding. Before my surgeries, I was excited and loving every moment, yes. But in the back of my mind I was worried about my surgeries, which is understandable. The surgeries were big fences in the way. Now the fences are knocked down, but I got new, smaller fences in exchange: the diagnosis of Li Fraumeni Syndrome. This diagnosis makes me scared, all over again, about getting new cancers, and also forces me and Sean to make really tough decisions about life. Decisions people in their 20s don't often make.
But at the holiday party last night I realized I don't have to be afraid of enjoying this moment in full. I'm not talking about previous posts where I'm figuring out how to live and just BE knowing this new thing about my life. This is about me letting go a little more, and feeling a little more free when I talk about my wedding. Before when I talked about it, in my mind I was practicing caution, as to not get too excited because I wasn't sure if everything was going to be OK. But I'm OK now. I just have to realize it. I know I'll never be able to fully, 100 percent FEEL like I'm OK. At least not for a while. Which is fine. But I realized I don't need to be cautious anymore about what I say and how I say it. We're having this wedding in three months and three weeks. And I'm OK now. There is nothing to hold me back. So when I tell friends and strangers alike how I'm doing, how I beat breast cancer, and what phase we're in for the wedding planning, I can say I'm OK. My breast cancer is OVER. DONE. Nobody knows what the future holds, but that's true for anyone, whether they've had breast cancer or not. True, my mutation makes me more likely to get it again, hence my decision to undergo another mastectomy. But what we know now is that I'm OK. And the wedding? We've just entered a new, faster gear. I love it. It's crazy and slightly stressful. But I love it. And when I look at March 31, from my eyes today, I can try a little harder to see the road a little more clearly. I'll ALWAYS have fences. Some big, some small. But perhaps the most significant fences are the ones I create.
I just discovered today that the wedding planning and pre-wedding "period" of life has entered, officially, a new gear. A higher gear. We're moving faster and things are happening. More things. More happening.
Just yesterday our Ketubah came in. I'm in the midst of writing thank you notes from bridal showers #2 and #3. We're getting gifts in the mail, every day. My wedding dress came in last week and I scheduled my first fitting. Our tasting is scheduled with the caterer. The invitations are ordered, and according to Sean's email, they are en route to our very house as we speak! Our favors have been ordered. To my knowledge most of the groomsmen have been fitted for, and ordered their tuxes.
I've had three bridal showers and am now waiting for my bachelorette weekend next month. After that is two aufrufs.
Now, of course, most of the "big stuff" has been done already for the wedding, save actually sending the invitations, getting them back, and then doing the seating arrangements. But there's still little odds and ends, which probably won't be done for a while, and don't need to be, like, say, the guest book for the wedding, a possible cake topper, and little other things I can't really talk about. But I've been collecting and putting together my bridal party gifts and survival kits for months now, and am nearly ready to send out an itinerary to my bridal party. And then there's things I THINK we did but can't remember if we did, like, did we finalize the menu for the rehearsal dinner? The venue is booked, but did we do the menu yet? Do we need more rooms in our block at the hotel? What about Sunday brunch? Is that squared away? Is our florist taking care of the table numbers? What are we doing for place cards?
So, I resort to one of my favorite coping and getting-things-done- mechanisms: a list. After speaking with my therapist today, I realized I am slightly more overwhelmed than I first thought, and making a list seems like the appropriate thing to do right now. So, first thing on my list? Make a list.
Done.
I actually LOVE making lists, and this should come as no surprise to anyone. Lists are my way of turning chaos into controlled chaos, of turning little floating particles of to-do's to DONE, and finding a place for my craziness in little slots on a piece of paper. I also love itineraries. Not that I'm so anal I need to plan out every detail of every day, but I like having certain things planned and I like to know what I'm doing, who I'm seeing, and, of course, what I should be wearing.
Every item has a box next to it, to be checked off as it gets done. But, there aren't just wedding to-do's on this list. There's also all the holiday and birthday stuff that has kind of crept up on me, like Hanukkah and birthday gifts for my brother, finishing my thank you notes from my last two bridal showers, making my next eyebrow waxing appointment (yes, everything goes on the list), sending out holiday cards, getting ready for the Hanukkah party I'm hosting and actually COOKING for, buying a strapless bra for a friend's New Years' Eve wedding, where I'll be wearing the very same red spaghetti strap, floor-length dress I wore to my junior prom nearly 10 years ago, getting a frame for the Ketubah, ordering the final batch of bridal party gifts, parents' wedding gifts, the wedding programs, and, of course, the additional regular work and personal stuff. Doctor's appointments, picking up prescriptions, blah blah blah. Oh me, oh my. But I love it.
Making a list reminds me, that while I do have a lot to do all of a sudden, it WILL all get done, and instead of 10 million things, it's actually more like 50, spread out between now and March. Also, we have to plan our honeymoon. INSERT DEEP BREATH HERE. Am I breathing? Checking .... yup, I am. Good.
No. 2 on my list: I'm OK.
So, this is a crazy subtitle, yes. But there is another thing I realized recently, and this actually has nothing to do with making lists. In the spirit of discovering habits (see yesterday's blog about my subconsciously "feeling" around my body for lumps and bumps), I figured out I have developed another habit, of both thinking and saying my feelings, that I have created, of not being OK yet. I know I have these thoughts as a way "protect" myself and "control" my life. I think, and tell people, that I'm "done for now" with the breast cancer. Yes, that's true. I can't ever say I'm done because I don't KNOW if I'll get breast cancer again, and also because I KNOW I'm getting another mastectomy. I realized last night, as Sean and I were at one of his office's holiday party (which was beautiful! I love mingling with people and getting dressed up!), I tell people these things. I don't mean I actually TELL them I'm getting another mastectomy or that I'm scared of getting cancer again. But many of Sean's co-workers know about my breast cancer and have been extremely kind and supportive. They asked how I was doing last night, told me I looked great, and said they were happy to see me doing so well. All things I enormously appreciate. But I find myself not believing it. When people ask how I'm doing, or ask about my breast cancer, I give them the short, short version of the story: I was diagnosed in April, but it was caught really early so two surgeries were able to remove it without treatment, and so I'm done .... FOR NOW. Like I said before, yes, it's true, I am done for now. But the way I'm saying it is with caution and doubt. Anyone who has survived cancer (or any other serious illness) knows this: you never feel done. You never feel cured. You never feel "in the clear" no matter how many good test results you get. And that's part of life. That's part of survivorship, and that's you are always, always STILL surviving. But in talking about me surviving breast cancer, and planning the wedding, I hesitate to really express that now I'm in the clear and I can fully engulf all of this. My surgeries are over, and the next big thing is my wedding. Even though I could before, I can REALLY now be excited about the wedding. Before my surgeries, I was excited and loving every moment, yes. But in the back of my mind I was worried about my surgeries, which is understandable. The surgeries were big fences in the way. Now the fences are knocked down, but I got new, smaller fences in exchange: the diagnosis of Li Fraumeni Syndrome. This diagnosis makes me scared, all over again, about getting new cancers, and also forces me and Sean to make really tough decisions about life. Decisions people in their 20s don't often make.
But at the holiday party last night I realized I don't have to be afraid of enjoying this moment in full. I'm not talking about previous posts where I'm figuring out how to live and just BE knowing this new thing about my life. This is about me letting go a little more, and feeling a little more free when I talk about my wedding. Before when I talked about it, in my mind I was practicing caution, as to not get too excited because I wasn't sure if everything was going to be OK. But I'm OK now. I just have to realize it. I know I'll never be able to fully, 100 percent FEEL like I'm OK. At least not for a while. Which is fine. But I realized I don't need to be cautious anymore about what I say and how I say it. We're having this wedding in three months and three weeks. And I'm OK now. There is nothing to hold me back. So when I tell friends and strangers alike how I'm doing, how I beat breast cancer, and what phase we're in for the wedding planning, I can say I'm OK. My breast cancer is OVER. DONE. Nobody knows what the future holds, but that's true for anyone, whether they've had breast cancer or not. True, my mutation makes me more likely to get it again, hence my decision to undergo another mastectomy. But what we know now is that I'm OK. And the wedding? We've just entered a new, faster gear. I love it. It's crazy and slightly stressful. But I love it. And when I look at March 31, from my eyes today, I can try a little harder to see the road a little more clearly. I'll ALWAYS have fences. Some big, some small. But perhaps the most significant fences are the ones I create.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Holiday parties and Hanukkah, bridal showers and birthdays! (and: Just BE, part 3)
These past few weeks, and these next few weeks are BUSY. B-U-S-Y. And that's a good thing. I need the distraction.
I've had THREE beautiful, wonderful, amazing bridal showers in the past two months. This week Sean and I have two holiday parties, plus the annual "Cookie Day" we have at my office. This coming weekend is my family's annual Hanukkah party in Virginia, followed by a Hanukkah party Sean and I are hosting at our house early next week. Then we've got another holiday party, and then my birthday! Following that are more weekends of fun (Jordanna coming to visit plus a New Years' Eve wedding in Philadelphia)!
I love this season for many reasons, and not for the reason most people would think, which is Christmas. As a Jewish person, I love this season for Hanukkah. I also love this season because it's my birthday (and my brother's and cousin's!) I love this season because I get to attend holiday parties and wear dresses that usually just hang in my closet. I love this season because of New Year's, which, this year, we have wonderful plans for!
Once all this holiday chaos is said and done, I'll be well into the countdown for my bachelorette weekend, which is mid-January. Then we'll stuff and send out the wedding invitations, I'll begin my dress fittings, and after that we'll start pre-wedding Aufrufs at both synagogues (Northern Virginia and Philadelphia), followed by more wedding planning (taste testing and cake-picking!), and then ... THEN! We're into March, a month where we only have ONE free weekend! (Think a wedding, my cousin's Bar Mitzvah and other celebrations.) And then? I can barely even say it: OUR WEDDING! Yes, we're three months and three weeks away. And in between now and March 31 we have only happy, fun things to celebrate. The parties will go by fast. Time will fly. The planning will eventually conclude. And we'll be celebrating what we've been planning this past year. And we'll be celebrating even more than that: we'll be celebrating life. The fight we had this year. And that Sean and I get to spend the rest of our lives together. The wedding may be the big "bang" at the end of all this craziness and planning and pre-wedding fun, but it will be the beginning of our marriage, and that is what I am most looking forward to - sharing and spending my life with the one person I love most in this world.
So I've had some really happy times these past few weeks, and I am really looking forward to even more fun times. But in the middle of this all, I'm still suffering. Not as much as I was before my surgery. Yes, I'm still in pain, but it's getting better every day. I also still have this #$%^$'in lump in my neck, which I've done a REALLY good job of not touching all the time. (Every 5 days or so?) It hasn't changed, thank G-d, and it still feels small and round and a little bouncy/movey. But is it supposed to STILL be there, especially if it's just a lymph node?! UGH. Who knows. So anyway, I was proactive and got my second follow-up ultrasound on it scheduled for Jan. 9. Good. It makes me feel better that I have more testing scheduled. But it also makes me nervous to wait. I HATE waiting for tests. Sure, this is nothing like the tests I had to wait for for my breast cancer, but I'm still anxious and it's still a test. And even though the first ultrasound came out "OK" - in that they didn't think it looked suspicious, that doesn't really make me feel any better about this test. They could see something different this time around. They could want to take action this time around. They could look at it, with different eyes and a different machine, and maybe realize something they didn't the first time. UGH it's terrifying. They could order a biopsy. Or want to surgically remove it. BEFORE the wedding. Yes, I know, imagining different scenarios makes me crazy. I don't KNOW what the doctors will say, and that's the truth. But having cancer twice and having Li Fraumeni Syndrome makes you (rightfully so) believe everything is cancer. So a lump that doesn't go away after more than a month? What am I supposed to think? Sure, it's good news (I guess) for the doctors to want to just monitor it and not automatically jump in there with needles, because it means they don't believe it's super serious. But monitoring ALSO sucks. Knowing it's there and trying to get on with life while also make sure it doesn't change is, to say the least, STRESSFUL. I am doing a really good job of not letting it consume me. Like, I know it's there, but I try not to obsess over it. When I think of it I go into a short, five-minute panic spell where I imagine the worst-case scenario, and then I remember: 1. I already got it checked out once and nobody seemed too concerned, and 2., what my therapist has helped me realize, which is that worrying about something does NOT give me "control" of the situation, nor does it help me "prepare for the worst," despite me thinking it does. So I let it go, just a little, and move onto something else. But as long as the lump is there I will be a little crazy. It's true, I can't escape it. And really, can you blame me?!
I've also noticed I have developed a new, probably detrimental to my mental health, habit. After I found the lump in my neck, I (half-joking) vowed I would either wear gloves all the time so as not to feel anything on my body, or purposefully NEVER touch myself anywhere, or only touch myself in the most minimal way, so I would never, ever, again risk finding something scary on my body. So, scratch an itch. Or wash my hair. Or get dressed. Or whatever. But never actually FEEL things, which I guess I always did subconsciously, which is how I discovered the neck lump. When I found it I must have been really really "digging" and not realizing it. That's because it's really deep in there. Just finding it for the first ultrasound was hard, so when I found it I must have been massaging my neck or something. Because now, when I go to find it, I can't find it right away.
I know, I know, breast self exams found my cancer early and could have possibly saved my life and affected my prognosis and saved me from other, possibly harmful, treatments. I will do self-exams. They are recommended, especially for me. But finding the lump (this time I'm talking about in my breast) made me insane, and made me crazy with feeling things. It traumatized me, honestly. Just the other day at work I was sitting at my desk scratching the underside of my leg, and I found myself almost like feeling it, like I was "looking" for something. I felt bones and liagments and muscles, and then I thought I felt a "lump" only to realize it was some muscle, and not a lump at all, and I had the same exact one on my other leg. It took me a few minutes of that until I realized what I was doing. I find myself massaging my head and neck and upper back, but so much so to the point where I'm not just massaging them, I'm actually "feeling around" for things, and I don't realize until I'm actually doing it. So finding the breast cancer myself was an incredible thing. But it also made me insane in this way. I have subconsciously started looking for lumps and abnormalities around my body, and I'm not sure when it started, but I need to stop. YES, it can save my life if I (G-d forbid) discover something else. But now knowing I have Li Fraumeni Syndrome, I'm always "looking." I guess this is one way having LFS would change my life, but in a way I wouldn't be aware of right away. Well, I'm aware of it now. And I need to stop doing this because it will make me crazy. I should just be aware of my body, like I already am, and get my regularly scheduled recommended tests and screenings, and hopefully that will be enough for me. Maybe now that I know I'm actually doing it, I can work on stopping it.
It's probably a good thing that I was feeling around in my neck last month and came across the lump, because I wouldn't have found it otherwise. Like I said, it's so deep in my neck I'm not sure how I even located it in the first place. I HAD to be really "looking."
I think it's pretty understandable that I have this new habit. I've had cancer twice, and the second one I found myself. So it only makes sense, that as scared as I am to "find" something else, I'm subconsciously "looking" anyway. Maybe to have a sense of control. I don't WANT to look and I definitely don't WANT to find anything, so I'm not sure why I'm doing it. But, it's not part of my conscious descion-making. I do this for some other, deep-down reason. But it's bad for me mentally. Every pimple and freckle and muscle and ligament becomes a cancer scare. When I wrote about how I wanted to just BE and live my life with LFS but not let it consume every ounce of me, this is NOT what I had in mind.
So, new habit has formed. I've addressed it. I know I do it. Now, I work on stopping it.
I'm going to distract myself with happy plans and live my life and have this wedding, and the lump in my neck will be there for now. An unwanted guest. But I'm taking care of it. I'm getting it checked.
And in addition to my neck and my new (terrible) habit, I've still got breast cancer on my mind. I was just thinking in the car on the way to work today if I would feel relieved once I had the other breast removed. I had always thought the answer to that was an obvious resounding YES. But for the first time, I wondered if the answer was no. If I'd still be scared, even without both breasts. Probably a little, as I know breast cancer can develop even IF you don't have breasts, because it can form in any remaining tissue in your armpits, it can develop in the chest wall, and it can develop in lymph nodes. I hate that I know all this, but I think I'd hate it even more if I didn't. I like how I educate myself and take control of my health. I have to. I have no other choice. I care about my body. I care about my life and the people in it. So I like that about myself. But when is it TOO much?! Again, it's somehow about finding balance. Letting yourself live, but being aware. Taking control, but not to the point of insanity and exhaustion. Balance. Just being. Just living with the information and knowledge you have, no matter how scary, no matter how paralyzing.
I've had THREE beautiful, wonderful, amazing bridal showers in the past two months. This week Sean and I have two holiday parties, plus the annual "Cookie Day" we have at my office. This coming weekend is my family's annual Hanukkah party in Virginia, followed by a Hanukkah party Sean and I are hosting at our house early next week. Then we've got another holiday party, and then my birthday! Following that are more weekends of fun (Jordanna coming to visit plus a New Years' Eve wedding in Philadelphia)!
I love this season for many reasons, and not for the reason most people would think, which is Christmas. As a Jewish person, I love this season for Hanukkah. I also love this season because it's my birthday (and my brother's and cousin's!) I love this season because I get to attend holiday parties and wear dresses that usually just hang in my closet. I love this season because of New Year's, which, this year, we have wonderful plans for!
Once all this holiday chaos is said and done, I'll be well into the countdown for my bachelorette weekend, which is mid-January. Then we'll stuff and send out the wedding invitations, I'll begin my dress fittings, and after that we'll start pre-wedding Aufrufs at both synagogues (Northern Virginia and Philadelphia), followed by more wedding planning (taste testing and cake-picking!), and then ... THEN! We're into March, a month where we only have ONE free weekend! (Think a wedding, my cousin's Bar Mitzvah and other celebrations.) And then? I can barely even say it: OUR WEDDING! Yes, we're three months and three weeks away. And in between now and March 31 we have only happy, fun things to celebrate. The parties will go by fast. Time will fly. The planning will eventually conclude. And we'll be celebrating what we've been planning this past year. And we'll be celebrating even more than that: we'll be celebrating life. The fight we had this year. And that Sean and I get to spend the rest of our lives together. The wedding may be the big "bang" at the end of all this craziness and planning and pre-wedding fun, but it will be the beginning of our marriage, and that is what I am most looking forward to - sharing and spending my life with the one person I love most in this world.
So I've had some really happy times these past few weeks, and I am really looking forward to even more fun times. But in the middle of this all, I'm still suffering. Not as much as I was before my surgery. Yes, I'm still in pain, but it's getting better every day. I also still have this #$%^$'in lump in my neck, which I've done a REALLY good job of not touching all the time. (Every 5 days or so?) It hasn't changed, thank G-d, and it still feels small and round and a little bouncy/movey. But is it supposed to STILL be there, especially if it's just a lymph node?! UGH. Who knows. So anyway, I was proactive and got my second follow-up ultrasound on it scheduled for Jan. 9. Good. It makes me feel better that I have more testing scheduled. But it also makes me nervous to wait. I HATE waiting for tests. Sure, this is nothing like the tests I had to wait for for my breast cancer, but I'm still anxious and it's still a test. And even though the first ultrasound came out "OK" - in that they didn't think it looked suspicious, that doesn't really make me feel any better about this test. They could see something different this time around. They could want to take action this time around. They could look at it, with different eyes and a different machine, and maybe realize something they didn't the first time. UGH it's terrifying. They could order a biopsy. Or want to surgically remove it. BEFORE the wedding. Yes, I know, imagining different scenarios makes me crazy. I don't KNOW what the doctors will say, and that's the truth. But having cancer twice and having Li Fraumeni Syndrome makes you (rightfully so) believe everything is cancer. So a lump that doesn't go away after more than a month? What am I supposed to think? Sure, it's good news (I guess) for the doctors to want to just monitor it and not automatically jump in there with needles, because it means they don't believe it's super serious. But monitoring ALSO sucks. Knowing it's there and trying to get on with life while also make sure it doesn't change is, to say the least, STRESSFUL. I am doing a really good job of not letting it consume me. Like, I know it's there, but I try not to obsess over it. When I think of it I go into a short, five-minute panic spell where I imagine the worst-case scenario, and then I remember: 1. I already got it checked out once and nobody seemed too concerned, and 2., what my therapist has helped me realize, which is that worrying about something does NOT give me "control" of the situation, nor does it help me "prepare for the worst," despite me thinking it does. So I let it go, just a little, and move onto something else. But as long as the lump is there I will be a little crazy. It's true, I can't escape it. And really, can you blame me?!
I've also noticed I have developed a new, probably detrimental to my mental health, habit. After I found the lump in my neck, I (half-joking) vowed I would either wear gloves all the time so as not to feel anything on my body, or purposefully NEVER touch myself anywhere, or only touch myself in the most minimal way, so I would never, ever, again risk finding something scary on my body. So, scratch an itch. Or wash my hair. Or get dressed. Or whatever. But never actually FEEL things, which I guess I always did subconsciously, which is how I discovered the neck lump. When I found it I must have been really really "digging" and not realizing it. That's because it's really deep in there. Just finding it for the first ultrasound was hard, so when I found it I must have been massaging my neck or something. Because now, when I go to find it, I can't find it right away.
I know, I know, breast self exams found my cancer early and could have possibly saved my life and affected my prognosis and saved me from other, possibly harmful, treatments. I will do self-exams. They are recommended, especially for me. But finding the lump (this time I'm talking about in my breast) made me insane, and made me crazy with feeling things. It traumatized me, honestly. Just the other day at work I was sitting at my desk scratching the underside of my leg, and I found myself almost like feeling it, like I was "looking" for something. I felt bones and liagments and muscles, and then I thought I felt a "lump" only to realize it was some muscle, and not a lump at all, and I had the same exact one on my other leg. It took me a few minutes of that until I realized what I was doing. I find myself massaging my head and neck and upper back, but so much so to the point where I'm not just massaging them, I'm actually "feeling around" for things, and I don't realize until I'm actually doing it. So finding the breast cancer myself was an incredible thing. But it also made me insane in this way. I have subconsciously started looking for lumps and abnormalities around my body, and I'm not sure when it started, but I need to stop. YES, it can save my life if I (G-d forbid) discover something else. But now knowing I have Li Fraumeni Syndrome, I'm always "looking." I guess this is one way having LFS would change my life, but in a way I wouldn't be aware of right away. Well, I'm aware of it now. And I need to stop doing this because it will make me crazy. I should just be aware of my body, like I already am, and get my regularly scheduled recommended tests and screenings, and hopefully that will be enough for me. Maybe now that I know I'm actually doing it, I can work on stopping it.
It's probably a good thing that I was feeling around in my neck last month and came across the lump, because I wouldn't have found it otherwise. Like I said, it's so deep in my neck I'm not sure how I even located it in the first place. I HAD to be really "looking."
I think it's pretty understandable that I have this new habit. I've had cancer twice, and the second one I found myself. So it only makes sense, that as scared as I am to "find" something else, I'm subconsciously "looking" anyway. Maybe to have a sense of control. I don't WANT to look and I definitely don't WANT to find anything, so I'm not sure why I'm doing it. But, it's not part of my conscious descion-making. I do this for some other, deep-down reason. But it's bad for me mentally. Every pimple and freckle and muscle and ligament becomes a cancer scare. When I wrote about how I wanted to just BE and live my life with LFS but not let it consume every ounce of me, this is NOT what I had in mind.
So, new habit has formed. I've addressed it. I know I do it. Now, I work on stopping it.
I'm going to distract myself with happy plans and live my life and have this wedding, and the lump in my neck will be there for now. An unwanted guest. But I'm taking care of it. I'm getting it checked.
And in addition to my neck and my new (terrible) habit, I've still got breast cancer on my mind. I was just thinking in the car on the way to work today if I would feel relieved once I had the other breast removed. I had always thought the answer to that was an obvious resounding YES. But for the first time, I wondered if the answer was no. If I'd still be scared, even without both breasts. Probably a little, as I know breast cancer can develop even IF you don't have breasts, because it can form in any remaining tissue in your armpits, it can develop in the chest wall, and it can develop in lymph nodes. I hate that I know all this, but I think I'd hate it even more if I didn't. I like how I educate myself and take control of my health. I have to. I have no other choice. I care about my body. I care about my life and the people in it. So I like that about myself. But when is it TOO much?! Again, it's somehow about finding balance. Letting yourself live, but being aware. Taking control, but not to the point of insanity and exhaustion. Balance. Just being. Just living with the information and knowledge you have, no matter how scary, no matter how paralyzing.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Bridal shower frenzy! {Part 2}
As if two beautiful, amazing, elegant bridal showers weren't enough, I was surprised with a THIRD today, hosted by my amazing girlfriends in State College! I am, yet again, on Cloud 9. I feel so happy and blessed to have so many amazing people in my life, who make me feel special and incredible, and who are SO happy to share my upcoming wedding enjoyment with me!
Today's bridal shower was full of fun games (including me trying on multiple pairs of undies, and a "Newlywed"-style trivia game!), a beautiful pink cake with polka dots and bows, pink chocolate-covered strawberries and other goodies! My belly is full of sugar and my heart is full of happiness. Here are more pictures. Some from today, and some new ones from the Virginia tea party I received a few days ago. I can never say it enough: I am so lucky to have had THREE bridal showers (two of which were a surprise!) I never imagined these months before my wedding would be so spectacular. I mean, I could hope and dream that they would be. But I never could have imagined THIS ...
Today's bridal shower was full of fun games (including me trying on multiple pairs of undies, and a "Newlywed"-style trivia game!), a beautiful pink cake with polka dots and bows, pink chocolate-covered strawberries and other goodies! My belly is full of sugar and my heart is full of happiness. Here are more pictures. Some from today, and some new ones from the Virginia tea party I received a few days ago. I can never say it enough: I am so lucky to have had THREE bridal showers (two of which were a surprise!) I never imagined these months before my wedding would be so spectacular. I mean, I could hope and dream that they would be. But I never could have imagined THIS ...
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
The tale of the snail
I think it's important to remind myself, each day if I can, what I have accomplished since April, what I'm capable of doing today, and what I will continue to do as my life moves forward. I can't forget, though I still have days of crying and anger, how far I've come.
What I've done: I beat breast cancer. I underwent a mastectomy with lymph node removal. I recovered. I underwent a painful expansion process. I got through it. I underwent another surgery, in which more skin was removed. I recovered. I underwent, yet again, a painful expansion process. I got through it. I underwent a third surgery in which my expander was removed and implants were put it on both sides. I recovered. I underwent genetic testing for the p53 gene. I got the news. I dealt with it. I took action to start my screening process, and to recommend testing for my family. I started thinking about when I would have my other mastectomy, and what this all means for starting a family.
What I'm doing: I'm recovering from my implant surgery. I'm not lifting "truck tires" yet, (thanks, Dr. Moyer!) but I am back to lifting weights, going to the gym, and just recently started sleeping on my sides! I'm planning my wedding. I'm thinking about what it means to have Li Fraumeni Syndrome. I'm going to work, planning parties, seeing friends and family. I'm traveling. I'm working on not letting my worry control my life, and not letting this recent diagnosis define me. I'm working to live and just BE, despite this recent news. I'm pedaling, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, on a bike, that now, is actually going somewhere. I'm sharing my story, today and every day, in a million different ways.
What I'm going to do: I'm going to continue to recover from my implant surgery. I'm going to continue to be proactive about my health, but not let anxiety consume me. I'm going to get screened and tested, and know, each day, what my cancer risk is, while not letting that control my life. I'm going to continue to plan my wedding. I'm going to get married. I'm going to have a family, in a way that hasn't yet been decided, but I will decide it, with Sean. I'm going to have another mastectomy. I'm going to recover from that. Some days I'm going to worry about cancer more than other days. I'm going to educate myself about Li Fraumeni Syndrome, and like with the breast cancer, join support groups and reach out to others in my situation. But I won't let that be all of me. I'm much more than this, and although it will help me to be a part of the LFS community, I can't let that be my whole community. I can't be consumed by thoughts of cancer. I'm going to keep doing THIS, which is different every day, and I'm going to keep writing about it along the way. I'm going to do things that are helpful and healing to me. I'm going to focus on good, happy things. I'm going to control my bitterness and accept that I'm different, and then find the good in it. I'm going to continue to share my story. I've got quite a lot to say.
I can't forget the progress I've made, and how far I've come in my many battles. I know I'm still fighting many of them, and may be for a while, but at least I'm getting somewhere. In the story of my journeys, I am both a snail and a jackrabbit. Sometimes my trails are clouded or covered in branches or thorns, and sometimes they are clean. Sometimes there are fences, and sometimes there aren't. Sometimes I can see my path, other times I can't. A lot changes ... all the time. But one thing remains consistent: I'm still moving. Some days I might move reluctantly, some days with ease. Some days I'm pretty sure I don't think I'm moving at all, or refuse to move. But I always do. So here we are, and my journey continues. I'll write my way through it, and be glad you're all along with me. This snail, or rabbit, has many friends along for the ride. So let's make it a good one.
True, we only have one life. But the most wonderful thing in the world, is that each day we're given another chance to live it.
And now, on a lighter, more cheerful note, here is a list I've compiled of things that help me "keep on keeping on."
Marjie's Tips for Happiness and Health:
1. Eat an apple a day. Really. One a day. And educate yourself about apples so when people ask what kind of apple you're eating, you can reply accordingly: Red Delicious, Granny Smith, Gala, Honeycrisp, etc. And learn the difference in the supermarket, too.
2. Paint your nails according to your mood, not the season.
3. Drink coffee. The bigger the mug, the better. And find a favorite brand, whether it's Starbucks, Maxwell House or Arbuckle's. When making your own coffee, always, always smell the grinds before putting them in. It helps with the "experience."
4. Watch TV shows that inspire you. For me, it's Fashion Hunters and Selling New York.
5. Wear a vintage brooch. And then talk about its "vintage-ness."
6. Eat chocolate. In moderation, and slowly.
7. Floss thoroughly. (Especially after No. 1 on this list)
8. Name your car and talk to it. Tell it if you're proud of it. For example, I always tell my '96 Corolla, Sylvester, if I'm proud of him for getting up the mountain on the way home from work. (He's old and worn out so he needs the motivation and support.) It's OK for your car to have middle and last names, too. Mine, since I got him at age 17: Sylvester Harrison Stromberg Pie. I call him Sylvie for short, but he doesn't like that because it sounds like a girl's name.
9. Talk to your plants and flowers when you water them. It's good for them, and it's good for you.
10. You don't have to wait until New Years Eve to wear glitter and sequins.
11. Make plans with friends, even if it's just a simple coffee date. Fill your calendar with things you'll look forward to.
12. Plan a party and then get a little stressed out about it. Just a little, though.
13. Read blogs that are of interest to you, even if it's a little weird. My favorite blogs are about vintage clothing, chocolate and home decor. Bird-watching blog OK.
14. Foods high in protein go a long way: non-fat Greek Yogurt and a handful of nuts.
15. Drink hot tea while curled up in a fleece blanket. It's really the best way to drink hot tea.
16. Say "hi" to animals as you pass by them, even if you're in your car and they can't hear you. (Cows and dogs appropriate.)
17. Plan your outfits for upcoming events in advance so you're not in a frenzy finding something to wear. There's nothing more stressful, really. Events in which you know your picture will be taken require more in-depth outfit planning.
18. With things that make your blood boil, such as someone tailgating you while driving, take a deep breath and remember: there's much more to life than this. I'm not going to waste my energy getting angry. And then pretend the @#$%^&-ass in the car behind you is a cute bunny wearing an Argyle sweater vest, and you can't be mad at a cute bunny with a sweater vest!
19. Tweet. Tweet like people care.
20. Put up pictures and cards around your house: on your refrigerator, dresser and desk, to remind yourself daily of the wonderful life you have and the wonderful people in it.
21. Worry less about what others think, especially if you're being true to yourself.
22. Hot pink leggings are acceptable for lounging, even if you're 26. (And for insurance, I'll say it's acceptable even when you're 27 so this list still applies to me two weeks from now.)
23. Own themed socks with things on them, and then wear them accordingly. For example, I wear my Betsey Johnson socks when I'm in a really good mood or have something important coming up, my Hanukkah socks during Hanukkah, Valentine's Day during Valentine's Day, etc., and anything with animals or coffee cups on them when I'm lounging around the house. That way I can see them all the time, as they aren't hidden by shoes.
24. Go all out in fashion, all the time. In other words, if you want to wear glitter heels to work, do it. If you want to wear bright red lipstick to CVS, do it. Life is too short to let your shoes and your lipstick just sit there and rot. Get yo' money's worth!
25. Google images of your favorite animal. To cheer myself up I Google pictures of Samoyeds.
26. Watch old TV shows that you enjoy, but are not "trendy" anymore. Ones that people routinely make fun of are even better. Laverne & Shirley, Little House on the Prairie, Designing Women, Who's the Boss and Veronica's Closet are some of mine.
27. Drink lots and lots and lots of water. Most importantly: a glass when you first wake up in the morning, a glass before each meal, and a glass before bed, unless you're a tinkler at night.
28. Exfoliate daily. And then moisturize.
29. Buy and use a candle that makes you hungry when you smell it.
30. MAKE YOUR OWN LIST!
*Disclaimer: Originally I wrote this post to be published tomorrow, so that my posts would be spread out more. But, this is my blog and I make the rules, so if I want to write two posts in a day, I should! And also, why wait?! I've written this for the world to see, after all.
I can't forget the progress I've made, and how far I've come in my many battles. I know I'm still fighting many of them, and may be for a while, but at least I'm getting somewhere. In the story of my journeys, I am both a snail and a jackrabbit. Sometimes my trails are clouded or covered in branches or thorns, and sometimes they are clean. Sometimes there are fences, and sometimes there aren't. Sometimes I can see my path, other times I can't. A lot changes ... all the time. But one thing remains consistent: I'm still moving. Some days I might move reluctantly, some days with ease. Some days I'm pretty sure I don't think I'm moving at all, or refuse to move. But I always do. So here we are, and my journey continues. I'll write my way through it, and be glad you're all along with me. This snail, or rabbit, has many friends along for the ride. So let's make it a good one.
True, we only have one life. But the most wonderful thing in the world, is that each day we're given another chance to live it.
And now, on a lighter, more cheerful note, here is a list I've compiled of things that help me "keep on keeping on."
Marjie's Tips for Happiness and Health:
1. Eat an apple a day. Really. One a day. And educate yourself about apples so when people ask what kind of apple you're eating, you can reply accordingly: Red Delicious, Granny Smith, Gala, Honeycrisp, etc. And learn the difference in the supermarket, too.
2. Paint your nails according to your mood, not the season.
3. Drink coffee. The bigger the mug, the better. And find a favorite brand, whether it's Starbucks, Maxwell House or Arbuckle's. When making your own coffee, always, always smell the grinds before putting them in. It helps with the "experience."
4. Watch TV shows that inspire you. For me, it's Fashion Hunters and Selling New York.
5. Wear a vintage brooch. And then talk about its "vintage-ness."
6. Eat chocolate. In moderation, and slowly.
7. Floss thoroughly. (Especially after No. 1 on this list)
8. Name your car and talk to it. Tell it if you're proud of it. For example, I always tell my '96 Corolla, Sylvester, if I'm proud of him for getting up the mountain on the way home from work. (He's old and worn out so he needs the motivation and support.) It's OK for your car to have middle and last names, too. Mine, since I got him at age 17: Sylvester Harrison Stromberg Pie. I call him Sylvie for short, but he doesn't like that because it sounds like a girl's name.
9. Talk to your plants and flowers when you water them. It's good for them, and it's good for you.
10. You don't have to wait until New Years Eve to wear glitter and sequins.
11. Make plans with friends, even if it's just a simple coffee date. Fill your calendar with things you'll look forward to.
12. Plan a party and then get a little stressed out about it. Just a little, though.
13. Read blogs that are of interest to you, even if it's a little weird. My favorite blogs are about vintage clothing, chocolate and home decor. Bird-watching blog OK.
14. Foods high in protein go a long way: non-fat Greek Yogurt and a handful of nuts.
15. Drink hot tea while curled up in a fleece blanket. It's really the best way to drink hot tea.
16. Say "hi" to animals as you pass by them, even if you're in your car and they can't hear you. (Cows and dogs appropriate.)
17. Plan your outfits for upcoming events in advance so you're not in a frenzy finding something to wear. There's nothing more stressful, really. Events in which you know your picture will be taken require more in-depth outfit planning.
18. With things that make your blood boil, such as someone tailgating you while driving, take a deep breath and remember: there's much more to life than this. I'm not going to waste my energy getting angry. And then pretend the @#$%^&-ass in the car behind you is a cute bunny wearing an Argyle sweater vest, and you can't be mad at a cute bunny with a sweater vest!
19. Tweet. Tweet like people care.
20. Put up pictures and cards around your house: on your refrigerator, dresser and desk, to remind yourself daily of the wonderful life you have and the wonderful people in it.
21. Worry less about what others think, especially if you're being true to yourself.
22. Hot pink leggings are acceptable for lounging, even if you're 26. (And for insurance, I'll say it's acceptable even when you're 27 so this list still applies to me two weeks from now.)
23. Own themed socks with things on them, and then wear them accordingly. For example, I wear my Betsey Johnson socks when I'm in a really good mood or have something important coming up, my Hanukkah socks during Hanukkah, Valentine's Day during Valentine's Day, etc., and anything with animals or coffee cups on them when I'm lounging around the house. That way I can see them all the time, as they aren't hidden by shoes.
24. Go all out in fashion, all the time. In other words, if you want to wear glitter heels to work, do it. If you want to wear bright red lipstick to CVS, do it. Life is too short to let your shoes and your lipstick just sit there and rot. Get yo' money's worth!
25. Google images of your favorite animal. To cheer myself up I Google pictures of Samoyeds.
26. Watch old TV shows that you enjoy, but are not "trendy" anymore. Ones that people routinely make fun of are even better. Laverne & Shirley, Little House on the Prairie, Designing Women, Who's the Boss and Veronica's Closet are some of mine.
27. Drink lots and lots and lots of water. Most importantly: a glass when you first wake up in the morning, a glass before each meal, and a glass before bed, unless you're a tinkler at night.
28. Exfoliate daily. And then moisturize.
29. Buy and use a candle that makes you hungry when you smell it.
30. MAKE YOUR OWN LIST!
*Disclaimer: Originally I wrote this post to be published tomorrow, so that my posts would be spread out more. But, this is my blog and I make the rules, so if I want to write two posts in a day, I should! And also, why wait?! I've written this for the world to see, after all.
Bridal shower frenzy! {I love these moments!}
I've really been lagging on the posting! My sincerest apologies!
Life has been crazy again, still, however you want to put it. This past weekend I was in Reston, Virginia for my bridal shower that was hosted by my mom, her friend Joanie, my Aunt Amy, my Maid of Honor Karishma, and two of my bridesmaids: Rachel and Jordanna. The theme was "high tea" and, even now as I try to explain, it I have a huge smile across my face, and I am speechless! It was beautiful, marvelous, elegant, blissful!
The bridal tea party was hosted at Rachel's parents' home, which is beautiful. I loved that it was there because I have known Rachel since early childhood, and we have many happy memories playing in that house.
They set up little tables around the front room of the house. The tables, each sitting three or four people, were adorned with beautiful tableclothes, some with crochet overlay, and the most beautiful, delicate eclectic mix of tea sets. There was beautiful china with pink, floral and other prints. And the food! My aunt made chocolate and red velvet cupcakes with pink frosting and little pink edible "pearls" on top. There were mini sandwiches: cucumer, tuna and eggsalad. There were chocoate hearts, eclairs and Napolitan treats. And Jordanna made these scones (chocolate chip and cranberry), that literally melted in your mouth.
After I finally took in the beauty of the room, and perused all the treats atop the piano, we took our seats. Karishma gave a little welcome speech, and then Rachel described the tea. Little bowls of different flavors of loose leaf tea lined the front of the piano, and guests could mix and match their flavors, and create their own tea bags. I chose the green tea mint, but there was also a variety of other flavors, including chai.
We sat and talked over sandwiches and scones that were served to us. I was so excited to be amongst my family and friends. There were about 15 or 20 of us women, and it felt intimate and nice. The favors were beautiful printed (in different patterns) tea caddies with personalized tea, wrapped in a pink ribbon. The tea bag said "Tea-riffic coupe" at the top, and then: Marjorie and Sean, March 31, 2012 (for our wedding date, of course.)
As soon as tea was over, some of them ladies took turns going into the other room and working on a scrapbook. They were told to bring pictures to the tea, so they could add them to the book, which I am told will be given to us at the wedding. I have never been so amazed with the amount of pictures I saw! Pictures, stickers, ribbon and glitter covered the table, and everyone worked hard to make personalized pages for me and Sean. Even I made a page!
After the scrapbooking portion of the party, we moved to the living room and I began opening gifts. (That part's always fun!)
There was lots of laughter and ribbons. My friend Lauri made me a beautiful ribbon hat with the ribbons and bows from the presents.
Again, I felt like a bridal queen, atop my throne. I was all smiles the rest of the day and the weekend, and still even today. I can't describe the feeling of the party. It was lovely. It was very me. I felt loved, so much, and that every single little detail, from the pink cupcakes to the beautiful china to the scrapbook, was me, all me, in every single way.
To get sappy for a moment here (which, you shouldn't be surprised, because I'm sappy in almost every post!) these bridal showers I have had are MORE THAN I COULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED, HOPED FOR, DREAMED OF. Before I got engaged, and then even after I got engaged, I tried to picture my bridal shower. (Of course, I only thought I was going to have one!) But I could have never, EVER, pictured how amazing and beautiful both of my showers would be! Both the shower in Philadelphia at the beautiful Cafe La Fontana. With the bridal shower bingo and famous couples in history games. The magnificent, personalized menu of the most delectable foods. A room full (about 60?) of people, all there just for me. Pink flowers and pink gift bags filled with candles and picture coasters.
And my bridal tea party in Virginia. The most elegant, classy, intimate high tea. Beautiful, thoughtful details.
Each shower was amazing and different in its own way, and I could have never pictured such amazing parties for me. Truly amazing. I'm truly blessed with marvelous people in my life. I am so thankful. I am so lucky. These showers were above and beyond my wildest expectations, and they will forever remain in my mind, heart and soul. I feel like the luckiest, most beautiful bride in the world. And I owe that feeling to my fiancee (who brought me red roses and helped carry presents to the car at both showers!) and my family and friends. Too many to name, but each of them have helped make these moments memorable and special. Words would never be enough.
And now....some pictures!
I am awaiting a picture cd from Karishma from the bridal tea party, but until then, here are some pictures Jordanna took at the party. Thank you, Jordanna!
And mixed in with those those: pictures from my amazing surprise bridal shower in Philadelphia last month (which I promised I would post but never did. They are from my camera)
So, this blog post is ALL about my bridal shower mania, because it is the best feeling right now, to be in this pretty, lovely, loved, happy, bridal, moment.
{A mixture of photos from my two bridal showers: in Philadelphia on Nov. 13, and in Virginia on Dec. 3}
{A mixture of photos from my two bridal showers: in Philadelphia on Nov. 13, and in Virginia on Dec. 3}
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