It's so important to get a clear margin. From what I understand I was lucky in that it was so early that removing it would be the plan. Had it not been caught so early is a different story (and a different blog post).
People always tell me how strong I am and how well I'm handling everything. I don't believe that at all. I look at all these other women who are fighting breast cancer. Ones whose prognosis' and treatments are a lot worse, and those who are raising kids while getting chemotherapy, and are doing amazing. I don't know if it's my three-year battle with Leukemia at age 12 through 15 that "wiped" me out. I was strong for that, so why do I have to be strong again? This has exhasuted me. Threw me to the ground. Sure, I'm living. I go to work, am planning my wedding, go out with friends and have fun. I'm doing and living ME. And on the outside you would never believe anything is wrong. I look happy and healthy. But deep down I'm mad and sad. Mad that this happened to me NOW... I'm planning my WEDDING for goodness sake! Mad that this happened to me when it rarely ever happens to women my age. Mad that when the doctors talk to me and my fiance about my pathology report and treatment, they are talking to US. Not my mom, not his parents. WE have to understand my hormone status. We have to understand a clear versus positive margin. We have to understand the difference between a 1/4 mm margin and 1 cm margin. We are dealing with this we shouldn't have to. But life isn't like that. Things that shouldn't happen do, and things that should happen don't.
I am the luckiest girl in the world to have my fiance Sean. He has never left my side throughout this whole thing. He's remained strong, consistent, understanding, compassionate and supportive. My family, and his family, and our friends, have been phenomenal. I couldn't even begin to explain the enormous support system we have. Our friends have, since day 1, provided unwavering support through making us meals, sending flowers, cards and gifts, visiting, and just calling to ask how I'm doing, physically and mentally. My support system has helped get me through this, and for that I am truly blessed. But I don't feel strong yet. Maybe that will come with time.
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I think you have every right to be mad and sad. And I think it's helps to get it out. But you know how I feel about you. I think you present yourself with grace and positivity and thatprobably helps too.
ReplyDeleteLauren expresses this perfectly. It would NOT be normal Not to be angry. You are a beautiful , young woman who has a perfect right to be angry. You are moving through the stages of grief and are expressing this cathartically amazingly well, all the while doing the world a service in teaching about breast cancer. Marjie, what a mitzvah! You do know you are the love of Sean's life. You are fortunate to have each other. We love you. Keep writing. You write very well.
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