All about the glitter

Usually I don't write a blog post unless I have prepared many thoughts and feelings, and have many things to say. Well, today really isn't that different from most days, I guess. I just don't have a thought-out commentary about my ... thoughts. UGH. Instead, I'm going to be a little sloppy and just write what I feel, which is hard for a professional writer. We like to be prepared, organized. Today that is just not going to happen. I feel both good and bad today. Good = a plan is in place for me to make an appointment with my breast surgeon BEFORE our scheduled time in April for her to check me out (ultrasound maybe?) and so I can discuss with her my wishes/questions/concerns about having a preventive masctectomy on the other side. I'm not saying we have to schedule the procedure, but just talking to her about it - I feel - will help ease my mind. I want her to know my plans so they don't seem so foreign. So that's what I feel good about. I still am very nervous, anxious, scared about getting another breast cancer, but those fears are a LITTLE less now that I am taking action and doing something about my health. Being proactive. Instead of just sitting here, in what I describe as a curled-up position, in fear, all to and through my wedding planning. Not what I want. So I'll see my doctor. Ease my mind a little. And if that STILL doesn't ease my mind, even a little, then I'll just work harder. Because as much as I wish all of this would just go away, it can't and it wont. I've got to somehow work and manage this anxiety into my life. I have to, unfortunately, let it be here and do what it does, but work with it ... knead it like bread, almost, into something else: something less harmful to me physically and emotionally. And I believe I'll get there. To a place where this doesn't run my life. It just, quite obviously, won't happen anytime soon. But I'm willing to work on it, as much as it sucks every single day to work on it. But what choice do I have? It can't be completely ignored. This - all of this - is a part of my life now, at the most terrible time. But I can't fight that because you can't fight reality. You work WITH it, even if it's the most tedious, most heart-wrenching, most painful mental thing you do. Fear. A small, four-letter word. Yet it takes up so much of my time. But I have to remind myself that this isn't forever. This fear will go away somehow, some way, whether it's a preventive mastectomy or something else. Or both the preventive mastectomy AND the something else. I won't always live like this. It just sucks I have to live like this now. But once again, what choice do I have?
In this post I'm also celebrating! 10 days until the expander comes out! If I wasn't in the home stretch before, I am now. And then I REALLY will be two days from now. I'm experiencing severe burnout. It's so severe that I thought it was severe two months ago. But apparently, back then it wasn't severe enough. NOW it's really severe. Expander burnout. In all of the possible ways you can think of. Should I name a few? Sleeping, sneezing, moving, driving, living and not really living. Expander burnout. Go away, expander.
And, although this isn't a celebration per se, I am including a picture of my new glitter high heels. They aren't new, as I got them probably almost a month ago. They were 50 percent off at J.C. Penney and it was one of THOSE days when I bought them. I don't usually give in to my retail therapy desires, but I did that day. It's better than food or wine therapy. Or, some could argue.
Ok, so here they are, and they make me happy. Now ... what to wear them to? New Years, my birthday... really, when you own a good pair of shoes the possibilities are endless.
So, because, being the writer that I am, I need to somehow tie all of this together even though at the beginning I said I wouldn't. That I would be sloppy and just write. I guess that's not entirely possible.
I'm apparently a very structured person, even when I'm trying to be sloppy. But it's my blog so both sloppiness and structure, and glitter, are allowed.
We've got fear and we've got glittered shoes. Yup -- sounds like my life.
No matter how yucky things are, glitter can always cheer me up. And my life. My wonderful fiance, friends and family. My girlfriends and I are in the process of planning a Champagne and Cupcakes party. How fun are we?! And my mom and one of my best friends, Rachel, will be coming to visit me this weekend! I'm planning a fun two days of Thai food, a visit to my bridal shop to try on my dress with shoes and a veil, getting "done up" at my favorite salon, and pumpkin picking and apple cider drinking. My life -my friends, my family, my future husband- all cheer me up every single day. And I always need it, believe it or not. Glitter shoes ... now they just fit perfectly into the picture. That's their job: to spice up the plans I make with the people I love. They go on my feet when I have someplace to go. With my life, you can never show up barefoot.