To regroup and "re-light" from yesterday, I have decided to resort back to my basics ... my mantras for living life the best way I can. First, before we get into that, I'll explore some thoughts and conclusions I've come to since yesterday, through talking to my wonderful friends, fiance and mother:
1. There is nothing bad about getting an ultrasound the day before surgery. After all, it's what I wanted. I was anxious anyway, and wanted to get checked out anyway before April. So, essentially, this is what I wanted. Additionally, it will give me an opportunity to talk to my doctor about a preventive mastectomy BEFORE April as well.
2. Sure, the short-term of all this is anxiety. I will probably be anxious from now up until next Wednesday. But the anxiety is short-term. One week, followed by maybe 20 minutes during the actual ultrasound. But the long-term is relief, for the most part. Anxious today, relieved tomorrow. If (or once) everything comes back fine from the ultrasound, I can rest easy for the surgery, and for the months that follow, knowing I got everything checked out. So I have to look at it as: scared today, relieved tomorrow. Scared this week. Relieved for the next 6 months.
Those are the two main points I am examining as the reality here. I wanted this anyway. There is nothing bad about it. I would be more anxious if I would have waited a few months longer. I was anxious anyway. And whether or not my pains went away I would have STILL wanted to get it checked out. This just allows that to happen before the surgery. So the surgery can be done with peace of mind.
Obviously, I always, always try to envision the worst case scenario. And after having cancer twice, who can blame me? Going into a doctor's office provokes so much anxiety. I described it to my friend Adam last night: If every time you walked into a Walmart you fell on your face, would you want to go to Walmart again? Two cancers, and the endless testing that goes along with them, is enough for me to imagine falling on my face every time, whether or not it's always bad news. But it seems the bad news clouds your judgement. It doesn't mean EVERY doctor's appointment I've ever had was bad or even that bad news came from it. Quite the opposite, actually. It just means I associate doctor's offices with bad news.
Every time I walk into a doctor's office I imagine another bomb dropping. And the funny thing is, no matter how hard you try, you can never really EVER prepare yourself for the worst. But that's what I've turned into, and it's something I mentioned in my latest post. I don't allow any room for relief or hope in my head. When ever I do feel a tiny bit of relief or hope I cloud it, or cancel it out, to try to prepare myself for something bad so I won't get my hopes up, or be surprised. But that never works, does it? Why can't I allow myself to have some peace and hope in my head? After all, it's the better way to be.
So, back to the basics. What I've learned, and what I've taught myself through dealing with life, especially two cancers and all the anxiety that comes with it. These themes have been mentioned before in my blog, and are weaved throughout. That's because they're real and meaningful. And sometimes I just have to remind myself of what I believe in. These are things I've always taught myself and told myself, and try to remind myself of. These are themes I try every day to live by. Here they are:
1. You can't control certain things in life from happening to you. You can only control your reaction, and how you live. I can't make or not make breast cancer happen to me. But I can live a healthy, happy life with a positive attitude. In other words: I have to focus on the things I CAN control, and that's my outlook and perspective. That is being in love and being surrounded by my fiance, friends and family. Being surrounded by people and things I love. Eating healthy and exercising. Taking care of my body. ALLOWING myself to enjoy things and be happy, despite the anxiety I have. ALLOWING myself to get excited about the wedding.
2. There's no point to living in fear. That is no way to live, and frankly, is a waste of time. (Back to No. 1: why worry about things you can't control?) Living in constant fear and anxiety, and not allowing yourself any bit of relief or hope is damaging to your quality of life, well-being and mental and emotional health. Why live that way? I don't want to live that way. It's tiring and annoying. I want to live with hope and happiness. I have to have HOPE that everything will turn out OK. Because it always, always does in the end. Life, if lived fully, will always work out in the end. It will always come full circle. But you have to ALLOW it to.
By reminding myself that I can't control certain things, but to focus on what I CAN control, and that I don't want to waste my life by living in fear and anxiety, I can kind of get a grip, again, on what all of this is about. Lately I had been having trouble ALLOWING myself the teensy bit of relief and I hope I had before. I have been having trouble allowing myself to get excited about clothes, making coffee in the morning, and upcoming plans. Whatever excitement I did have about those things, that came naturally, I quickly cancelled out by filling my mind with thoughts of anxiety and fear, probably in an attempt to "prepare" myself. So now I've got to get back to the basics and once again allow myself to feel the things I naturally feel, and that's happiness and hope deep down inside. That's my light. That's my glittered shoes and the pumpkin patch and watching "Fashion Hunters" and getting the urge to buy clothes. That's putting together a great oufit in the morning, emailing friends for no real reason, and getting excited, every day, about the wedding. Where did I lose all those things? Now I realize there's no reason to not let myself have those things, because if anything, they will help me, not hurt me. Life is way too short to live in fear. Easier said than done, I know. But I have to try.
Try, try, try. That has been a common theme lately. I'm always trying to live, trying to find balance, trying to be OK, trying to focus on one thing or another. But today, I'll give the word "try" a different meaning: I'm going to attempt to do the things and feel the things that already come naturally to me. That doesn't sound too hard, does it? I'm going to allow myself to feel what I feel naturally, and not let it get clouded by these thoughts I create to protect myself from bad news. Because not only can I not really truly protect myself, imagining bad things before they happen doesn't exactly "prepare" me for anything; in fact, it only makes my quality of life worse.
So today it's back to basics. Back to the things I taught myself years ago. And back to, actually, believing them.
1. There is nothing bad about getting an ultrasound the day before surgery. After all, it's what I wanted. I was anxious anyway, and wanted to get checked out anyway before April. So, essentially, this is what I wanted. Additionally, it will give me an opportunity to talk to my doctor about a preventive mastectomy BEFORE April as well.
2. Sure, the short-term of all this is anxiety. I will probably be anxious from now up until next Wednesday. But the anxiety is short-term. One week, followed by maybe 20 minutes during the actual ultrasound. But the long-term is relief, for the most part. Anxious today, relieved tomorrow. If (or once) everything comes back fine from the ultrasound, I can rest easy for the surgery, and for the months that follow, knowing I got everything checked out. So I have to look at it as: scared today, relieved tomorrow. Scared this week. Relieved for the next 6 months.
Those are the two main points I am examining as the reality here. I wanted this anyway. There is nothing bad about it. I would be more anxious if I would have waited a few months longer. I was anxious anyway. And whether or not my pains went away I would have STILL wanted to get it checked out. This just allows that to happen before the surgery. So the surgery can be done with peace of mind.
Obviously, I always, always try to envision the worst case scenario. And after having cancer twice, who can blame me? Going into a doctor's office provokes so much anxiety. I described it to my friend Adam last night: If every time you walked into a Walmart you fell on your face, would you want to go to Walmart again? Two cancers, and the endless testing that goes along with them, is enough for me to imagine falling on my face every time, whether or not it's always bad news. But it seems the bad news clouds your judgement. It doesn't mean EVERY doctor's appointment I've ever had was bad or even that bad news came from it. Quite the opposite, actually. It just means I associate doctor's offices with bad news.
Every time I walk into a doctor's office I imagine another bomb dropping. And the funny thing is, no matter how hard you try, you can never really EVER prepare yourself for the worst. But that's what I've turned into, and it's something I mentioned in my latest post. I don't allow any room for relief or hope in my head. When ever I do feel a tiny bit of relief or hope I cloud it, or cancel it out, to try to prepare myself for something bad so I won't get my hopes up, or be surprised. But that never works, does it? Why can't I allow myself to have some peace and hope in my head? After all, it's the better way to be.
So, back to the basics. What I've learned, and what I've taught myself through dealing with life, especially two cancers and all the anxiety that comes with it. These themes have been mentioned before in my blog, and are weaved throughout. That's because they're real and meaningful. And sometimes I just have to remind myself of what I believe in. These are things I've always taught myself and told myself, and try to remind myself of. These are themes I try every day to live by. Here they are:
1. You can't control certain things in life from happening to you. You can only control your reaction, and how you live. I can't make or not make breast cancer happen to me. But I can live a healthy, happy life with a positive attitude. In other words: I have to focus on the things I CAN control, and that's my outlook and perspective. That is being in love and being surrounded by my fiance, friends and family. Being surrounded by people and things I love. Eating healthy and exercising. Taking care of my body. ALLOWING myself to enjoy things and be happy, despite the anxiety I have. ALLOWING myself to get excited about the wedding.
2. There's no point to living in fear. That is no way to live, and frankly, is a waste of time. (Back to No. 1: why worry about things you can't control?) Living in constant fear and anxiety, and not allowing yourself any bit of relief or hope is damaging to your quality of life, well-being and mental and emotional health. Why live that way? I don't want to live that way. It's tiring and annoying. I want to live with hope and happiness. I have to have HOPE that everything will turn out OK. Because it always, always does in the end. Life, if lived fully, will always work out in the end. It will always come full circle. But you have to ALLOW it to.
By reminding myself that I can't control certain things, but to focus on what I CAN control, and that I don't want to waste my life by living in fear and anxiety, I can kind of get a grip, again, on what all of this is about. Lately I had been having trouble ALLOWING myself the teensy bit of relief and I hope I had before. I have been having trouble allowing myself to get excited about clothes, making coffee in the morning, and upcoming plans. Whatever excitement I did have about those things, that came naturally, I quickly cancelled out by filling my mind with thoughts of anxiety and fear, probably in an attempt to "prepare" myself. So now I've got to get back to the basics and once again allow myself to feel the things I naturally feel, and that's happiness and hope deep down inside. That's my light. That's my glittered shoes and the pumpkin patch and watching "Fashion Hunters" and getting the urge to buy clothes. That's putting together a great oufit in the morning, emailing friends for no real reason, and getting excited, every day, about the wedding. Where did I lose all those things? Now I realize there's no reason to not let myself have those things, because if anything, they will help me, not hurt me. Life is way too short to live in fear. Easier said than done, I know. But I have to try.
Try, try, try. That has been a common theme lately. I'm always trying to live, trying to find balance, trying to be OK, trying to focus on one thing or another. But today, I'll give the word "try" a different meaning: I'm going to attempt to do the things and feel the things that already come naturally to me. That doesn't sound too hard, does it? I'm going to allow myself to feel what I feel naturally, and not let it get clouded by these thoughts I create to protect myself from bad news. Because not only can I not really truly protect myself, imagining bad things before they happen doesn't exactly "prepare" me for anything; in fact, it only makes my quality of life worse.
So today it's back to basics. Back to the things I taught myself years ago. And back to, actually, believing them.
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