The Game Plan
As I sip my morning coffee in a black mug I bought from the dollar store just for work, with a new black sweater dress, white pashmina scarf, leggings and leather boots, I am ready to start this day as a good one, and have come up with a game plan to move forward in these most recent struggles.
Call it my "light" shining through, or call it me liking to have a plan of action to make the current situation better for overall survival. Call it whatever you want, but I've decided I need a plan to help me work on this part of my life.
Yesterday evening Sean and I went on a five-mile walk. It litereally was JUST what I needed. The fresh, crisp fall air and the exercise helped clear my head and put life into perspective. We talked about the wedding and other fun plans, and I enjoyed watching the kids on their bikes, people walking their dogs or mowing their lawns, and admiring the gardens and porch displays of our neighbors. Our neighborhood is beautiful. It reminds me of living in Reston. Lots of hiking and walking trails, parks, trees, flowers, and beautiful, beautiful homes with kids on the lawn and dogs starting out the window. It made me happy to be alive and made me realize there is so much more to life than what I was feeling yesterday. All of this is so much bigger.
Afterwards I had a nice dinner of Campbell's tomato rice soup, and then we had a Skype session with our music guy for the wedding. It turned out to be such a wonderful evening. I was at rock bottom by the end of the workday yesterday, but after that walk I was on my way up.
A few things will go into this game plan of mine. The first is that I will eliminate the toxic things in my life, or the things that make me more stressed, nervous and anxious. And one of those things is reading breast cancer information on the Internet. Granted, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month so articles and information and reminders are everywhere, but I know, for me personally, as much as I want to learn and soak in all the new information I can, I know it's not good for me. Not now anyway. Reading too much makes me too paranoid. I have to remember, that no matter what information I read online, my doctors treated my individual case, and gave me information based on my individual case. What I read does not necessarily apply to me.
So just like it is, and will continue to be, hard to force myself NOT to do self-exams more than once a month (since doing so will make me insane), I've got to force myself to, for right now, anyway, NOT read articles on breast cancer. They, too, make me insane.
So I will remove that toxic part of my life, and I will enter more healing aspects. Both my mom and therapist recommended meditation and yoga (some poses I can do even with the expander), so I'll do that. I have a yoga mat at home, and plan to set up a "yoga space" for myself, with the mat, a meditation CD, and maybe something lavender-scented. I will use what I've learned in both yoga and meditation, and try to center myself. No phones, no TVs, no Internet. Just me and my meditation. I think that will have healing qualities.
Another healing aspect I need to bring into my life, and this may take some work, is to look at my left breast differently, as silly as that may sound. Right now, though it is cancer-free, I look at it as just as foreign and contaminated as the other one that got cancer in it. Me being scared of getting cancer in the other breast makes me hate it, even though it's healthy. I look at it and I want it gone. We know that can't happen yet. We know there's no fast course of action to make it gone. So until then I will try to look at it, and think of it, differently. I must look at it like I did before the breast cancer: that it is a part of me and I love it and cherish it. It's NOT toxic. There's no reason for me to hate it. I've got to appreciate it now, whether or not it comes off in the future. For now I have it and it's NOT the enemy.
So with removing things that make me anxious (reading articles on the Internet about breast cancer), entering healing activities (meditation and yoga), and working on a different way of thinking, I believe I can get out of this "stuck" place and rise up. It will take work, but I've got time.
My main focus right now is on centering MYSELF, in appreciating myself. I always said I treated myself well by way of healthy eating and exercise. But mentally, I wasn't doing that. I need to look deeper within and work on healing the things that need healing. And i can do this. It will be hard, but I've got to, for myself. I have the ability to change how I think and behave. We all do. And even if I can't accomplish those three things today, or even weeks or months from now, at least I came up with them, and at least I started. It's better than nothing.
As I sip my morning coffee in a black mug I bought from the dollar store just for work, with a new black sweater dress, white pashmina scarf, leggings and leather boots, I am ready to start this day as a good one, and have come up with a game plan to move forward in these most recent struggles.
Call it my "light" shining through, or call it me liking to have a plan of action to make the current situation better for overall survival. Call it whatever you want, but I've decided I need a plan to help me work on this part of my life.
Yesterday evening Sean and I went on a five-mile walk. It litereally was JUST what I needed. The fresh, crisp fall air and the exercise helped clear my head and put life into perspective. We talked about the wedding and other fun plans, and I enjoyed watching the kids on their bikes, people walking their dogs or mowing their lawns, and admiring the gardens and porch displays of our neighbors. Our neighborhood is beautiful. It reminds me of living in Reston. Lots of hiking and walking trails, parks, trees, flowers, and beautiful, beautiful homes with kids on the lawn and dogs starting out the window. It made me happy to be alive and made me realize there is so much more to life than what I was feeling yesterday. All of this is so much bigger.
Afterwards I had a nice dinner of Campbell's tomato rice soup, and then we had a Skype session with our music guy for the wedding. It turned out to be such a wonderful evening. I was at rock bottom by the end of the workday yesterday, but after that walk I was on my way up.
A few things will go into this game plan of mine. The first is that I will eliminate the toxic things in my life, or the things that make me more stressed, nervous and anxious. And one of those things is reading breast cancer information on the Internet. Granted, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month so articles and information and reminders are everywhere, but I know, for me personally, as much as I want to learn and soak in all the new information I can, I know it's not good for me. Not now anyway. Reading too much makes me too paranoid. I have to remember, that no matter what information I read online, my doctors treated my individual case, and gave me information based on my individual case. What I read does not necessarily apply to me.
So just like it is, and will continue to be, hard to force myself NOT to do self-exams more than once a month (since doing so will make me insane), I've got to force myself to, for right now, anyway, NOT read articles on breast cancer. They, too, make me insane.
So I will remove that toxic part of my life, and I will enter more healing aspects. Both my mom and therapist recommended meditation and yoga (some poses I can do even with the expander), so I'll do that. I have a yoga mat at home, and plan to set up a "yoga space" for myself, with the mat, a meditation CD, and maybe something lavender-scented. I will use what I've learned in both yoga and meditation, and try to center myself. No phones, no TVs, no Internet. Just me and my meditation. I think that will have healing qualities.
Another healing aspect I need to bring into my life, and this may take some work, is to look at my left breast differently, as silly as that may sound. Right now, though it is cancer-free, I look at it as just as foreign and contaminated as the other one that got cancer in it. Me being scared of getting cancer in the other breast makes me hate it, even though it's healthy. I look at it and I want it gone. We know that can't happen yet. We know there's no fast course of action to make it gone. So until then I will try to look at it, and think of it, differently. I must look at it like I did before the breast cancer: that it is a part of me and I love it and cherish it. It's NOT toxic. There's no reason for me to hate it. I've got to appreciate it now, whether or not it comes off in the future. For now I have it and it's NOT the enemy.
So with removing things that make me anxious (reading articles on the Internet about breast cancer), entering healing activities (meditation and yoga), and working on a different way of thinking, I believe I can get out of this "stuck" place and rise up. It will take work, but I've got time.
My main focus right now is on centering MYSELF, in appreciating myself. I always said I treated myself well by way of healthy eating and exercise. But mentally, I wasn't doing that. I need to look deeper within and work on healing the things that need healing. And i can do this. It will be hard, but I've got to, for myself. I have the ability to change how I think and behave. We all do. And even if I can't accomplish those three things today, or even weeks or months from now, at least I came up with them, and at least I started. It's better than nothing.
Marjorie,
ReplyDeleteI just read your interview on the Lifetime site, and had to swing by your blog to hear more of your thoughts on all that your going through. I'll try not to repeat what I've said there and simply say that yes, you are the light you always thought you might be and I wish you well as you work on this new path. I know some days will be harder than others but please know that you have people cheering you on, wishing you well, and sending healing thoughts. Believe in yourself, you are special and you are a hero of mine and there are no limits to what you can do.
Cheers and my heartfelt healing wishes, namaste, RN