From July to today

Looking through my old blog posts, I noticed I started Pink and Pearls nearly four months ago. When I look back at my very first entries in July, and even August, I feel like I'm an outsider, reading someone else's blog. I feel that what I wrote about a few months ago, though my feelings and emotions were strong, and much of what I feel then I still feel now, seems far away. The me with the expander feels like a different me than the me with the implants. And the me with Li Fraumeni Syndrome feels like a different me than the me who had just breast cancer (as opposed to a rare genetic mutation).

So in this post I'll reflect on my first entry on July 20, and what has changed, or remained the same since then. Though this breast cancer journey started in April with my diagnosis, and has luckily come to an end for now, what I learned last week will impact my life indefinitely.

The July me: I was just getting started with blogging and had a really difficult time typing fast enough to keep up with my feelings. There was too much to say, all the time, so I felt I would never, ever be able to get it all down in a blog. But I did and it was, and is, amazing: it's a form of emotional relief, and a way for me to share my feelings with friends, family and even strangers. It helps those close to me, and outsiders, understand, on a deeper level what I'm going through medically, and how I feels about all of it. I believe planning a wedding, in itself, is something to blog about. I believe fighting breast cancer, in itself, is something to blog about. But combine the two? Now THAT's a blog.

The expander me: During the first few months of having the expander I barely noticed it, mostly because it took a while to fill all the way up, and because I was focusing on other things. When I first got the expander in May, during my mastectomy surgery, much wasn't clear until the test results came back. Had the cancer spread and would I need chemotherapy? And then, after those results came back, we were worrying about the margin, and the question of radiation came into the picture. Instead, I chose a second, skin-removing surgery, which I'm even more glad now I chose, given that those with Li Fraumeni should avoid radiation if possible. So there was much waiting for results, waiting for the next step. I didn't have time to think about, or even care about, the "rock" in my chest. Once the second surgery was over and it was clear my treatment had come to an end, I was ready to get back to life and further plan my wedding, but instead became trapped by the pain of the expander. Life, as I was getting back to it, was hindered by the pain, and I got sick of living with the expander. Being in pain all the time made me very, very angry, and hard to see past the experience.

The me before Li Fraumeni: I just thought I was really unlucky, and that the world was a sick, weird place when I got diagnosed with cancer for a second time, before the age of 30. Much remained a mystery. Why breast cancer at such a young age? Since the cancer was hormone negative, what caused it? No outside influences or factors? And I tested negative for the BRCA genes. So we didn't know. Nobody knew and I was confused. Now, I have some more answers, and am still letting those answers sink in, a little at a time. It doesn't change what happened, but maybe helps explain it. It doesn't make me happy to have this information, but it doesn't make me completely upset, either. It will take me some time to learn exactly it what and how I feel about it.

The implant me: I'm still sore and in pain sometimes, but it's nothing compared to the pain of the expander. Sleeping, and getting up and down from sitting or being in bed, is the most painful. And presently, no bras are comfortable. It will still be a few weeks until I can wear underwire, so I'm wearing regular cotton bras and sports bras, but nothing is really that comfortable. I'm happy with how everything turned out, and although I'm still sore, I am more patient now, because I know, unlike the expander, this pain really WILL go away and I really WILL heal completely. What comes next is to be determined, in terms of my health and another mastectomy. So my challenge now is trying not to focus on that, and just focus on the NOW - and that's my final surgery is over, it went well, I'm feeling good and getting back to life, and all is on schedule for my life and my wedding. I want to enjoy today, and not let this recent news plague and haunt me. Sure, it will be a challenge. But I'm up to it.

So now I move forward. Today, I am done with this breast cancer journey. It's hard to say "done with THE breast cancer journey" because I'm considering another mastectomy, and that means going through the whole process again. But for now, I'm done with THIS part. And that's fine. That's wonderful. I made it through ... from July to today.