Just be ...part 2

For as long as I can remember I have always, always a problem letting things go. If something upsetting were to happen, I'd focus on it. Fixate on it. It would take all my attention for hours or days or weeks, either until I resolved it myself, or it went away on its own. I've discovered during this breast cancer and health journey, especially through speaking with my therapist, that part of why I don't let things go is because I feel, for some bizarre, unhealthy reason, that being worried about something - whether it's possibly saying the wrong thing to someone and caring what they think - to being worried about getting cancer again - gives me some sort of control. I've mentioned this in previous posts: being worried or anxious about something makes me feel in control, because as soon as I "let something go" or allow myself to be carefree or have relief of anxiety, I feel I could be "attacked" at any moment. That something bad could happen and completely shake me. That I wouldn't be prepared for it. That keeping my worries right where I can see them, so to speak (as my therapist described), helps me somehow. I picture my worries in a gray colored box at the side of my head. They are there and they are visibile. I can touch them and see them. I have somehow, through life events and especially recently, created this habit, or way of doing things, in where keeping my worries where I can see them gives me control over my life, whether it makes sense or not, whether it works or not, whether it's productive or not. It's actually none of those things. Sure, I can see it making sense in the way that I understand MY reasoning for doing it. But it definitely doesn't work, and it is most certainly NOT productive. I've already established this. I've already discovered this. I KNOW that being worried doesn't help me take control of my life OR prepare for things in life. Being worried is being worried. That's all it is. So the first few steps to solving a problem is accepting it, addressing it, figuring out why I do it.
I know I do it. I know I fixate on something to the point where it controls my life.
I know WHY I do it. I believe it gives me some control over my life.
I even know a little bit of how to stop. I focus on OTHER things. It seems simple, right?
I've always been an advocate of living life fully, appreciating the small things, doing good in the world, making the best of what you have and being thankful for everything you have. I am all of these things. But there's something now I have to work on. And I know it will take time, and I've said before that I'm up to the challenge. And really, I have to be up to the challenge. If I don't work on this I won't get anywhere.
The issue now is that I don't know how to BE. It sounds stupid, but I assure you, it's not.
My definition of me BEING is being me in a way that is not compromised by my worries or anxities. Sure, it's OK to be worried or anxious occasionally, and that is a part of human nature. But by BEING, I wouldn't let these worries run my life. I'd live in a way where this health problem, sure, is a part of my life, but it doesn't control my life and is definitely not all of my life. I have way too many other amazing things in life to focus on, and I know that. And I thank G-d every day for what I have in life, and how lucky I am to have such a full, fantastic, loved, blessed life. And as much as sometimes I hate it, I do thank G-d for my personality, in that I'm able to bounce back as fast as I can, am able to see the good in life and in people, am thankful for what I have, am strong, am willing, and smart and wise. I'm a lot of good things. I know that. I value myself and my life tremendously. But I feel very limited right now, since learning about my genetic mutation and increased cancer risk. I'm limited in life because as soon as I get excited or happy about something I turn it off and focus on the worry. I feel I shouldn't be fully happy or excited about anything because then I won't be prepared if something goes wrong.
This, to me, is the ultimate challenge. If I can, for the first time in my life, find a way to put the worry in a place where it doesn't affect me this much, I would have accomplished something amazing. I know it's amplified now. But before all this, it was still there. It's always been there. Since the day I was born.
What I want is to allow myself to be excited and happy completely fully, in the way I would be, as me, just BEING. In all its glory, I want to let myself feel the things I do naturally, and not cut myself short, or shut myself out, of good feelings. Because good feelings help, and they give you a sense of perspective. But I want more than that. I want actual power. Power over my own thoughts. Power to let myself be me, naturally. And that's feeling all my thoughts and emotions in full, NOT hindered by this recent news and the worry about the future that comes with.
That's happiness and the good things in life trumping OVER worries about pains or lumps or what the future holds. Because as hard as it is to convince myself that worry actually does nothing - I have to try. It is a process. It will take time. But I know if I can accomplish a sense of power over my negative feelings I will be better.
I always say, to myself and others, that we must live fully no matter what. That there really isn't another way to live. Whether life is short or long. Whether we have our health now or not. Nobody knows what the future brings.
So, for me, I'm going to do what I've always done: live how I would normally live. Fun plans and friends and family and travel. Manicures and facials and parties and girls' nights in and girls' nights out. Guilty pleasures on TV, and guilty pleasures in shopping. Chocolate and coffee. Exercise. I got that already. I'm doing that already. But part of that is limited by what I tell myself in my mind, and that's to worry, to be prepared, to have "control," when this sense of "control" is false. Being worried about something indefinitely is not at all having control. It's not having control over your life and what could happen in it, but rather LIMITING good, happy feelings and fun. When I have this false sense of control by being worried, what I'm really doing is hindering my other thoughts and feelings - the good ones - that should be hightened and need to be hightened.
I've got really good, happy things coming up this weekend. I told myself, if I wasn't worried about this new lump in my neck, despite the ultrasound which turned out OK, I would be more excited. I'd be packed already, and my outfits would be planned. So why CAN'T I have that?! I won't let myself. Well, now it's time to open the gates. Gold, large, shiny gates. (Not heaven, though that's what it seems like). These gates, once opened, will lead me to a new place. One where I am free to enjoy things fully and without compromise. One where worry is just worry, and it doesn't equal control or preparation.
It's challenging because part of this whole struggle is trying not to feel hindered, as I'm planning my wedding and getting ready to get married, and having bridal showers and other events, by my breast cancer these past few months and by the recent news about my genetic mutation. The hardest part of all is knowing I have these new worries and fears during a time where I'm supposed to feel nothing but happiness. I often wonder how the wedding planning and all the related events would go if I weren't dealing with these terrible health issues. To me, that's the hardest, most devestating part. And it's always, been since day 1: the unfairness that I have to deal with this while I'm going through this moment in my life. And I say it in nearly every blog post because it reigns true every single day. It is something I work on every day.
So I must continiously remind myself: this IS everything I could have ever hoped it to be, and more. From the moment I got engaged, to now, only four months away! The planning and parties have been phenomenal. Expander or not. Breast cancer or not. Li Freumani or not. But, like a good friend and devoted reader, Ellen, commented recently: "Marjie, this is LIFE!" It seldom goes the way we plan it to. Things happen. Would I have wanted to have breast cancer? No. Especially not now. But when would be a good time, really? Never. Cancer and illness and other terrible things can never come at a "convienent" time; it's what makes life life. It's what makes life bad, but also good, if you can find the good hidden within the bad.
So, here I am. Working on just BEING. I'll end this post on a positive note, because I do feel overall positive right now. What does it mean to "just be"?
Well, I don't know the answer to that yet. It's something I'm still working on. But I also believe nobody ever knows how to just "be"; it's something we, as humans, are always working on, and it's something that's always evolving.
But today, writing this post and figuring out my thoughts are "being." And today I'll open those gates a little more and let myself into a healthier, more relaxed place. We can go one of two ways. Forward or backwards.
And we can live one of two ways: In the direction of life, or ...
When I look at my life, on a personal, specific level: my choice is pretty clear, and it's always been pretty clear. How do I want to do this? How do I want to live my life? How do I want to BE?