Get up, dress up and show up

One of my new favorite quotes, that I discovered a few days ago, reads: "No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up."
I find that to be my current mantra for many things.
Despite how I feel on the inside or outside, I force myself to keep on keeping on. I have found, that living life in full, no matter how I feel on the inside or outside, increases my quality of life. Doing things helps put other stuff in perspective. Living life and having fun makes me realize, each day, that there is so much more to life than what I've been through medically the past few months. It also reminds me of the life I have and the people in it will get me through anything that comes my way. It takes my breast cancer and Li Fraumeni Syndrome, and physical pain, and puts it away a little bit. It makes it smaller. It puts it in a box. It takes, what normally is a huge rock or cloud, and shrinks it a little. Makes it less scary. Despite my many attempts not to, I give SO much energy to the breast cancer, future of my health, and my worries and anxieties. They get so much attention. But when I live my life and keep my plans and make new plans and surround myself with the people and things I love, I give more energy to the good, and less to the bad.
I still have pain. I still have worry. I still have anxiety. And sometimes, I still feel that none of those three things have improved at all within the last few weeks. But I make sure to keep making plans and to participate in what I have already planned, whether it's work or parties.
I have also learned, that despite my worrying that I won't enjoy an upcoming event BECAUSE of my worries, anxieties and pain, that I actually DO. I enjoy things fully, even if I think I won't. Does that make sense? I had always worried, since my diagnosis, that the breast cancer and everything that came with it, would rob me of these fun, meaningful, once-in-a-lifetime moments that come with planning and preparing for a wedding. That I would miss out. That my worries would take away from my fun. That I wouldn't be able to fully concentrate, or enjoy, or engulf all the wedding planning and pre-wedding fun BECAUSE of the breast cancer and the Li Fraumeni Syndrome. But I always do, and I always have. I don't know if it's just me being me or life being life or if I am really, really trying hard to NOT let my health take over everything. Either way, the good shines through the bad, and I enjoy every moment as fully as I think I would, had I not been on this breast cancer journey.
My three bridal showers were the most amazing, memorable moments of my life. And take yesterday's Hanukkah party. Sean and I had wanted to host our own Hanukkah party since last year. And last night we did it, and it was incredible. About eight of our friends came over. We made latkes, lit the menorah and played dreidel. Our friends brought amazing, yummy goodies, like peanut butter and jelly cupcakes, persimmon bread, cheese from Wisconsin, donuts and other treats. It was the PERFECT first Hanukkah party for me and Sean. Just perfect. Friends and fun and food and cheer. Everything Hanukkah is supposed to be.
This always goes back to me trying to picture my life now had I not had breast cancer. I always wonder if I would have had more fun in my "other life." If the wedding planning would be better. I've touched on this topic many times in my blog, mostly because it keeps coming back to me. But I've figured out, that while yes, some things ARE different now in a bad way (the actual physical pain I feel, and the worry about getting cancer again and getting another mastectomy), many things are different in a good way, and that's I think I may enjoy life more and treasure and cherish every moment.
I know it's not productive for me to picture my life had I not had breast cancer. Even if I find good in the situation. That's because it's not the case. I DID get breast cancer, and it DID happen while planning my wedding. And I DO have pain and worry and anxieties. So much more so than if I didn't have cancer twice or Li Fraumeni Syndrome. These things are true. But, they are what they are. I could picture me and Sean hosting our Hanukkah party if I never had breast cancer. I'm not sure what would be different except the fact that I wouldn't have pain. So, I have pain. It's not fun. But I have it. I'm still healing from surgery.
But I guess the most important thing is that I'm getting uo, dressing up and showing up. To everything, every day. Sometimes there's crying and yelling beforehand. Sometimes there's a panic attack. But I have to, HAVE TO, keep doing it. Why? Because the alternative is not good. Doing nothing. Not good. And why else? Because I have learned, and now KNOW, that living my life, despite how I feel physically and emotionally, HELPS ME. It helps put my worries and pain in perspective. It takes away their power. It takes the breast cancer and health worries and pushes them to the side. And in their place puts in the aspects of life I cherish and enjoy: friends, family, parties and planning my wedding. And the more the good aspects of my life dominate, the more hope I get. The more I want to keep on keeping on. Because I realize, with each good part of life, that I do have a good life. Not all of it is good, but most of it is. Like 99 percent. And, sure, it takes some effort to remind myself of that. And sure, I have to KEEP reminding myself of that.
101 days until the wedding. A little more than three months. I'm wondering ... when will it feel REAL?! One month until? One day? I still can't picture it. This big, amazing thing we've been planning since February. My dress is in. The invitations are sitting in our kitchen, next to our Ketubah. Our wedding bands are picked out and ordered, and a deposit has been put in. My bachelorette weekend, something I've literally been excited about since August, is coming up in only a few short weeks. This.is.really.happening.
I guess I thought, by now, it would be easier to see it all ahead of me. I thought most of my worries about getting breast cancer again BEFORE the wedding would be gone, especially after my last ultrasound in October, the day before my reconstructive surgery. But I guess it's not that easy, or that simple. I guess I'll have worries all the time. Until the day of the wedding, and every day after. They don't just go away. I'm not sure why I thought they did.
But the important thing is that I'm still moving on and moving forward. I haven't stopped, and don't plan to. And one day, I'll write a blog post, and I'll say it's 50 days until the wedding. And I'll ask myself: does it feel real yet? And what will I say? Will it ever feel real? I think, breast cancer or no breast cancer, LFS or not, it won't feel real. Or maybe it doesn't feel real BECAUSE of those very things - this journey I've been on the last few months. But I don't know. I don't know about the "old me," the me that didn't go through this. I can't picture it. I can't even try to. And that's because that's not my life. It's definitely not my life. THIS is my life. It's not always fair or easy, but I'm doing it. I'm doing MY life. I'm doing THIS life. I guess what's funny is that I didn't realize it. I kept thinking I hadn't gotten to living THIS life yet. This life, as a breast cancer survivor. That's because I kept trying to imagine my other life. But that life doesn't exist. THIS is the one that exists, and I know, deep down inside, that this is the only one I want, and this is the best one there is, despite the terrible things that have happened in it. THIS is me. There is no OTHER me. It's time to understand that, in full.
Or maybe I already knew, but didn't realize I already knew. Maybe that's why, every day, I get up, dress up and show up. Because I know I have no other choice. It's simple really, and sounds silly, but the only way to live THIS life is to keep living it. And part of that whole process is both knowing you're living it, and not knowing you're living it. But I guess, if I look at my life now, at the end of December, with my 27th birthday tomorrow, and look back to April, which seems worlds away and yet like it was only yesterday, I HAVE been living THIS life. A whirlpool of a life. But it's mine, and it's time for me to stop imagining another life. Not only is this one just fine, it's amazing.
So why "no matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up?" Because that's how you move. And perhaps the scariest thing in life is living a life that doesn't change, and being a person that doesn't grow.
Sometimes I feel that while I'm moving at a snail's pace in terms of healing physically and emotionally, my world around me is moving very, very fast. I've had to deal with a lot these past few months. I've had to fight breast cancer, prepare and heal from three surgeries, learn I have Li Fraumeni Syndrome and somehow "deal" with that news and how it will change my life, all the while planning my wedding and keeping up with what makes me ME, and what makes my life tick. (and this is not to mention the literal emotional rollercoaster I'm on every day.) All of that is fast. We're only a week away from 2012. A new year. The year I'll get married. My 27th year of life.
Ironically, my birthday tomorrow also is the 100-day mark of the wedding. Two very important things in one day. So how can life move so slowly, yet so fast? How can I feel like a snail in the middle of a whirlpool?
I could easily see myself, as a snail, drowning in a fast-moving whirlpool. Swishing, dangerous waters. And little me, tiny and frail and slow. But if I look a little bit harder, that's not the case at all. This snail is surviving. Swimming. And, somehow, someway, thriving. Even if just a little. (Do snails swim?)
Anyway, I could be a million different animals or insects, and my world could metaphorically be any natural force on earth. But I'm fine being a snail and I'm fine living in a whirlpool. Because this is my life now, and this is how it is. So I better enjoy it. Because frankly, it doesn't get much better than this. This, my friends, is an experience. A fast, slow, scary, happy, terrifying, enjoyable, hopeful, depressing, inspiring, devestating, blessed experience. It's called life.
Like it or not, GET UP. DRESS UP. SHOW UP. This is it.