No. 1 on my list: Make a list
I just discovered today that the wedding planning and pre-wedding "period" of life has entered, officially, a new gear. A higher gear. We're moving faster and things are happening. More things. More happening.
Just yesterday our Ketubah came in. I'm in the midst of writing thank you notes from bridal showers #2 and #3. We're getting gifts in the mail, every day. My wedding dress came in last week and I scheduled my first fitting. Our tasting is scheduled with the caterer. The invitations are ordered, and according to Sean's email, they are en route to our very house as we speak! Our favors have been ordered. To my knowledge most of the groomsmen have been fitted for, and ordered their tuxes.
I've had three bridal showers and am now waiting for my bachelorette weekend next month. After that is two aufrufs.
Now, of course, most of the "big stuff" has been done already for the wedding, save actually sending the invitations, getting them back, and then doing the seating arrangements. But there's still little odds and ends, which probably won't be done for a while, and don't need to be, like, say, the guest book for the wedding, a possible cake topper, and little other things I can't really talk about. But I've been collecting and putting together my bridal party gifts and survival kits for months now, and am nearly ready to send out an itinerary to my bridal party. And then there's things I THINK we did but can't remember if we did, like, did we finalize the menu for the rehearsal dinner? The venue is booked, but did we do the menu yet? Do we need more rooms in our block at the hotel? What about Sunday brunch? Is that squared away? Is our florist taking care of the table numbers? What are we doing for place cards?
So, I resort to one of my favorite coping and getting-things-done- mechanisms: a list. After speaking with my therapist today, I realized I am slightly more overwhelmed than I first thought, and making a list seems like the appropriate thing to do right now. So, first thing on my list? Make a list.
Done.
I actually LOVE making lists, and this should come as no surprise to anyone. Lists are my way of turning chaos into controlled chaos, of turning little floating particles of to-do's to DONE, and finding a place for my craziness in little slots on a piece of paper. I also love itineraries. Not that I'm so anal I need to plan out every detail of every day, but I like having certain things planned and I like to know what I'm doing, who I'm seeing, and, of course, what I should be wearing.
Every item has a box next to it, to be checked off as it gets done. But, there aren't just wedding to-do's on this list. There's also all the holiday and birthday stuff that has kind of crept up on me, like Hanukkah and birthday gifts for my brother, finishing my thank you notes from my last two bridal showers, making my next eyebrow waxing appointment (yes, everything goes on the list), sending out holiday cards, getting ready for the Hanukkah party I'm hosting and actually COOKING for, buying a strapless bra for a friend's New Years' Eve wedding, where I'll be wearing the very same red spaghetti strap, floor-length dress I wore to my junior prom nearly 10 years ago, getting a frame for the Ketubah, ordering the final batch of bridal party gifts, parents' wedding gifts, the wedding programs, and, of course, the additional regular work and personal stuff. Doctor's appointments, picking up prescriptions, blah blah blah. Oh me, oh my. But I love it.
Making a list reminds me, that while I do have a lot to do all of a sudden, it WILL all get done, and instead of 10 million things, it's actually more like 50, spread out between now and March. Also, we have to plan our honeymoon. INSERT DEEP BREATH HERE. Am I breathing? Checking .... yup, I am. Good.
No. 2 on my list: I'm OK.
So, this is a crazy subtitle, yes. But there is another thing I realized recently, and this actually has nothing to do with making lists. In the spirit of discovering habits (see yesterday's blog about my subconsciously "feeling" around my body for lumps and bumps), I figured out I have developed another habit, of both thinking and saying my feelings, that I have created, of not being OK yet. I know I have these thoughts as a way "protect" myself and "control" my life. I think, and tell people, that I'm "done for now" with the breast cancer. Yes, that's true. I can't ever say I'm done because I don't KNOW if I'll get breast cancer again, and also because I KNOW I'm getting another mastectomy. I realized last night, as Sean and I were at one of his office's holiday party (which was beautiful! I love mingling with people and getting dressed up!), I tell people these things. I don't mean I actually TELL them I'm getting another mastectomy or that I'm scared of getting cancer again. But many of Sean's co-workers know about my breast cancer and have been extremely kind and supportive. They asked how I was doing last night, told me I looked great, and said they were happy to see me doing so well. All things I enormously appreciate. But I find myself not believing it. When people ask how I'm doing, or ask about my breast cancer, I give them the short, short version of the story: I was diagnosed in April, but it was caught really early so two surgeries were able to remove it without treatment, and so I'm done .... FOR NOW. Like I said before, yes, it's true, I am done for now. But the way I'm saying it is with caution and doubt. Anyone who has survived cancer (or any other serious illness) knows this: you never feel done. You never feel cured. You never feel "in the clear" no matter how many good test results you get. And that's part of life. That's part of survivorship, and that's you are always, always STILL surviving. But in talking about me surviving breast cancer, and planning the wedding, I hesitate to really express that now I'm in the clear and I can fully engulf all of this. My surgeries are over, and the next big thing is my wedding. Even though I could before, I can REALLY now be excited about the wedding. Before my surgeries, I was excited and loving every moment, yes. But in the back of my mind I was worried about my surgeries, which is understandable. The surgeries were big fences in the way. Now the fences are knocked down, but I got new, smaller fences in exchange: the diagnosis of Li Fraumeni Syndrome. This diagnosis makes me scared, all over again, about getting new cancers, and also forces me and Sean to make really tough decisions about life. Decisions people in their 20s don't often make.
But at the holiday party last night I realized I don't have to be afraid of enjoying this moment in full. I'm not talking about previous posts where I'm figuring out how to live and just BE knowing this new thing about my life. This is about me letting go a little more, and feeling a little more free when I talk about my wedding. Before when I talked about it, in my mind I was practicing caution, as to not get too excited because I wasn't sure if everything was going to be OK. But I'm OK now. I just have to realize it. I know I'll never be able to fully, 100 percent FEEL like I'm OK. At least not for a while. Which is fine. But I realized I don't need to be cautious anymore about what I say and how I say it. We're having this wedding in three months and three weeks. And I'm OK now. There is nothing to hold me back. So when I tell friends and strangers alike how I'm doing, how I beat breast cancer, and what phase we're in for the wedding planning, I can say I'm OK. My breast cancer is OVER. DONE. Nobody knows what the future holds, but that's true for anyone, whether they've had breast cancer or not. True, my mutation makes me more likely to get it again, hence my decision to undergo another mastectomy. But what we know now is that I'm OK. And the wedding? We've just entered a new, faster gear. I love it. It's crazy and slightly stressful. But I love it. And when I look at March 31, from my eyes today, I can try a little harder to see the road a little more clearly. I'll ALWAYS have fences. Some big, some small. But perhaps the most significant fences are the ones I create.
I just discovered today that the wedding planning and pre-wedding "period" of life has entered, officially, a new gear. A higher gear. We're moving faster and things are happening. More things. More happening.
Just yesterday our Ketubah came in. I'm in the midst of writing thank you notes from bridal showers #2 and #3. We're getting gifts in the mail, every day. My wedding dress came in last week and I scheduled my first fitting. Our tasting is scheduled with the caterer. The invitations are ordered, and according to Sean's email, they are en route to our very house as we speak! Our favors have been ordered. To my knowledge most of the groomsmen have been fitted for, and ordered their tuxes.
I've had three bridal showers and am now waiting for my bachelorette weekend next month. After that is two aufrufs.
Now, of course, most of the "big stuff" has been done already for the wedding, save actually sending the invitations, getting them back, and then doing the seating arrangements. But there's still little odds and ends, which probably won't be done for a while, and don't need to be, like, say, the guest book for the wedding, a possible cake topper, and little other things I can't really talk about. But I've been collecting and putting together my bridal party gifts and survival kits for months now, and am nearly ready to send out an itinerary to my bridal party. And then there's things I THINK we did but can't remember if we did, like, did we finalize the menu for the rehearsal dinner? The venue is booked, but did we do the menu yet? Do we need more rooms in our block at the hotel? What about Sunday brunch? Is that squared away? Is our florist taking care of the table numbers? What are we doing for place cards?
So, I resort to one of my favorite coping and getting-things-done- mechanisms: a list. After speaking with my therapist today, I realized I am slightly more overwhelmed than I first thought, and making a list seems like the appropriate thing to do right now. So, first thing on my list? Make a list.
Done.
I actually LOVE making lists, and this should come as no surprise to anyone. Lists are my way of turning chaos into controlled chaos, of turning little floating particles of to-do's to DONE, and finding a place for my craziness in little slots on a piece of paper. I also love itineraries. Not that I'm so anal I need to plan out every detail of every day, but I like having certain things planned and I like to know what I'm doing, who I'm seeing, and, of course, what I should be wearing.
Every item has a box next to it, to be checked off as it gets done. But, there aren't just wedding to-do's on this list. There's also all the holiday and birthday stuff that has kind of crept up on me, like Hanukkah and birthday gifts for my brother, finishing my thank you notes from my last two bridal showers, making my next eyebrow waxing appointment (yes, everything goes on the list), sending out holiday cards, getting ready for the Hanukkah party I'm hosting and actually COOKING for, buying a strapless bra for a friend's New Years' Eve wedding, where I'll be wearing the very same red spaghetti strap, floor-length dress I wore to my junior prom nearly 10 years ago, getting a frame for the Ketubah, ordering the final batch of bridal party gifts, parents' wedding gifts, the wedding programs, and, of course, the additional regular work and personal stuff. Doctor's appointments, picking up prescriptions, blah blah blah. Oh me, oh my. But I love it.
Making a list reminds me, that while I do have a lot to do all of a sudden, it WILL all get done, and instead of 10 million things, it's actually more like 50, spread out between now and March. Also, we have to plan our honeymoon. INSERT DEEP BREATH HERE. Am I breathing? Checking .... yup, I am. Good.
No. 2 on my list: I'm OK.
So, this is a crazy subtitle, yes. But there is another thing I realized recently, and this actually has nothing to do with making lists. In the spirit of discovering habits (see yesterday's blog about my subconsciously "feeling" around my body for lumps and bumps), I figured out I have developed another habit, of both thinking and saying my feelings, that I have created, of not being OK yet. I know I have these thoughts as a way "protect" myself and "control" my life. I think, and tell people, that I'm "done for now" with the breast cancer. Yes, that's true. I can't ever say I'm done because I don't KNOW if I'll get breast cancer again, and also because I KNOW I'm getting another mastectomy. I realized last night, as Sean and I were at one of his office's holiday party (which was beautiful! I love mingling with people and getting dressed up!), I tell people these things. I don't mean I actually TELL them I'm getting another mastectomy or that I'm scared of getting cancer again. But many of Sean's co-workers know about my breast cancer and have been extremely kind and supportive. They asked how I was doing last night, told me I looked great, and said they were happy to see me doing so well. All things I enormously appreciate. But I find myself not believing it. When people ask how I'm doing, or ask about my breast cancer, I give them the short, short version of the story: I was diagnosed in April, but it was caught really early so two surgeries were able to remove it without treatment, and so I'm done .... FOR NOW. Like I said before, yes, it's true, I am done for now. But the way I'm saying it is with caution and doubt. Anyone who has survived cancer (or any other serious illness) knows this: you never feel done. You never feel cured. You never feel "in the clear" no matter how many good test results you get. And that's part of life. That's part of survivorship, and that's you are always, always STILL surviving. But in talking about me surviving breast cancer, and planning the wedding, I hesitate to really express that now I'm in the clear and I can fully engulf all of this. My surgeries are over, and the next big thing is my wedding. Even though I could before, I can REALLY now be excited about the wedding. Before my surgeries, I was excited and loving every moment, yes. But in the back of my mind I was worried about my surgeries, which is understandable. The surgeries were big fences in the way. Now the fences are knocked down, but I got new, smaller fences in exchange: the diagnosis of Li Fraumeni Syndrome. This diagnosis makes me scared, all over again, about getting new cancers, and also forces me and Sean to make really tough decisions about life. Decisions people in their 20s don't often make.
But at the holiday party last night I realized I don't have to be afraid of enjoying this moment in full. I'm not talking about previous posts where I'm figuring out how to live and just BE knowing this new thing about my life. This is about me letting go a little more, and feeling a little more free when I talk about my wedding. Before when I talked about it, in my mind I was practicing caution, as to not get too excited because I wasn't sure if everything was going to be OK. But I'm OK now. I just have to realize it. I know I'll never be able to fully, 100 percent FEEL like I'm OK. At least not for a while. Which is fine. But I realized I don't need to be cautious anymore about what I say and how I say it. We're having this wedding in three months and three weeks. And I'm OK now. There is nothing to hold me back. So when I tell friends and strangers alike how I'm doing, how I beat breast cancer, and what phase we're in for the wedding planning, I can say I'm OK. My breast cancer is OVER. DONE. Nobody knows what the future holds, but that's true for anyone, whether they've had breast cancer or not. True, my mutation makes me more likely to get it again, hence my decision to undergo another mastectomy. But what we know now is that I'm OK. And the wedding? We've just entered a new, faster gear. I love it. It's crazy and slightly stressful. But I love it. And when I look at March 31, from my eyes today, I can try a little harder to see the road a little more clearly. I'll ALWAYS have fences. Some big, some small. But perhaps the most significant fences are the ones I create.
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