First half marathon!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Interesting ... part 2

What makes this so interesting/shocking/confusing:
I didn't want to have any more doctor's appointments and worries and anxieties before the wedding. Ooops, no - surgery instead. I wasn't mentally prepared for surgery, and trust me, you have to be mentally prepared for it. Mentally prepared to be in pain and feel sick and the Bactrim and Percocet, and drain, and showering is difficult and you have all new wounds and you have to move slowly and be careful and can't lift anything and can't take care of the dog you just got and can't work and can't see your friends and can't keep your plans you already made because you thought, for one teensy second, YOUR LIFE WOULD BE BACK TO NORMAL. (silly me for filling my calendar with plans .... I thought I was done with all this....)
Oh, and should I mention when all my healing is done and I'm feeling better and I'm back to life, I still won't have a breast on one side? At least with the tissue expander and implant I was faking it. It appeared I had a breast there. I looked normal from the outside. I could forget I had breast cancer. I didn't have to be reminded every day of what it did to me, what it robbed me of. Oh, and we were done in such record time! My implant surgery FIVE months before the wedding! Perfect timing!
Now, it doesn't matter how many cups I have sewn into my bras or how many special mastectomy bras I have or wear, every day getting dressed I am going to be reminded of it. I can't just put on clothes and go. And people could tell me: "nobody will know the difference," etc., and as much as I believe them, they also have to understand that I know the different and I'm the one without a breast .... without a breast for my wedding. I was supposed to be healed and happy and at least look normal from the outside, especially for my wedding.
And even as I say all these things, I'm not sure if going through more surgeries and more pain and more expansions is even WORTH IT. The pain was so bad, I'd almost rather just not have a breast there.
The truth of the matter is, I have a long road ahead of me in which I'm going to have to accept what my body is now, get used to it, and be OK with it for the wedding - the most important day of my life where I once imagined I'd have all of m body parts. I'm going to have to accept all this without any warning. I had no prior knowledge I would have an implant removed, and no prior warning I would have this mental and emotional road ahead of me. How do I feel whole again? That's the question now. That's the goal now. How do I feel whole? How do I accept what my body looks like now, two months before my wedding? How do I accept that THIS bride is very different from all other brides? How do I accept all the pain I went through - multiple surgeries and expansions - was almost not worth it? How do I accept I've had four surgeries in six months, and after all that, after all the pain and the steri strips and the healing and the pain and the healing I am without a breast?
In case you didn't know before, let me tell you: breast cancer never ends.

2 comments:

  1. Bless you Marjorie! Sorry to hear that your amazing weekend had to end this way. What I do know is you are going to look beautiful on your wedding day regardless of how you feel inside! I keep you in my thoughts and prays always.

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  2. Marjie, you are so very inspiring to all women! I can't imagine the emotions you've had to deal with, but it seems you've handled them with grace, and that's so admirable. I won't give you advice because I can't step in your shoes, but I'm so glad you are marrying a person who loves you so much. (Btw, this is Ariel, Adam's cousin. I've heard so much about you over the years I feel like you are an extended cousin. :)

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