Welcome to my life

People have no idea, really. We can start there.
I have no idea, really. We can start there also.
I had two doctor's appointments today so I took off work. The first was a follow-up ultrasound of my neck lump. (the one they originally thought looked like a lymph node.) The ultrasound went well this morning. The radiology technician agreed it resembled a lymph node.
But then at my appointment with my oncologist - (sorry if my typing is fast and not good - I am going through a lot of emotions right now.) He said while the lump also looked like a lymph node, there was another "small spot" behind the lump that was "too small to characterize."
So he asked if I'd like to get a CAT scan done. But because of my LFS a CAT scan isn't really recommended unless it's an emergency because excess (or any) radiation can lead to the development of other cancers. So now he wants to check for Lymphoma. Yes, Lymphoma - cancer of the lymph nodes.
He's going to run some blood tests and will let me know how they came back, because he should be able to see from the blood tests if certain levels are elevated. If anything suspicious comes back, he can order a CAT scan or we can do the next thing. Either way he wants to see me in a month.
I KNOW all this extra precaution and testing and these follow-up appointments are for my LFS, and I probably don't have Lymphoma, but it is SCARY as hell when they have to look for it.
And the wedding invitations went out last week. We got a slew of RSVPs back today. My bachelorette weekend, for goodness sake, is coming up THIS weekend and they are worried about this LUMP! I can't stand it!
If this is something or not, it doesn't matter. (well, it does, because if I have cancer again I really have no words to say.)And I pray a million times a day I don't get cancer again, or that anyone in my life does..EVER.
It's the principle. No matter how many times I say it: "this is my life now because of the Li Fraumeni Syndrome," it doesn't help and it doesn't get better every time and it doesn't make me feel better. Welcome, this is my life, where I have literal convulsions sitting in the waiting room because I am so nervous, where every single test matters, where everything could be something or nothing, but they have to make sure it's either something or nothing, but because I have LFS it could COULD always be something. (cancer)
Is this a joke?
Is this a JOKE?!
Let me live my life.
My oncologist also ordered a physical therapy professional to help me with my stretching since my implant pain really isn't getting any better. He also set up an appointment next week with a dermatologist because people with LFS should get their freckles and moles checked every few months. He also prescribed me a higher level painkiller for my implant pain. And there I was counting down to the LAST DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT BEFORE THE WEDDING. It was supposed to be HIM, except for the dentist (but that doesn't count) and my plastic surgeon. But no, now we've added two more, possibly three or more. One more appointment with him (and more if the lump is suspicious, or the one behind it is, and then one appointment with a dermatologist.) I mean, who knows if I should be scared about that. It's routine, after all?! But no, with me and with LFS NOTHING is routine. They could ALWAYS find something, or they could be worried about something or tell me something new. Something I went in there not thinking or worrying about. I'm literally a different person when I leave a doctor's appointment than when I enter. Convulsions of anxiety are gone, but a new cloud forms above my head containing overwhelming amounts of NEW worries and what-ifs.
This is my life. No clear, green grassy fields from now until the wedding. More mud. Muddy doctor's appointments.
I'll write another post when the blood tests come back.
Welcome to my life.
When I say I've had a bad day, I hate when people say, "Me too, I know what you mean."
So let me be crazy and let me be a little skinnier than you think is "OK" (I'm healthy, which is all that matters) and let me take Ativan when I need it. This is my life. Welcome.
Sorry if this depresseses you, but it's the truth and I've always told the truth on my blog, or else it wouldn't be real. Having LFS is an ugly, ugly way to live. I say that, yes, but I also said I could choose to live better and not let it take over my life. I'm still living better aren't I? Yes, but I'm also allowed to have my bad days. I'm human, after all. I guess I'm just doing my best all the time. But how am I expected to keep doing my best when I have doctor's appointments all the time and all of them end badly? (or most of them end badly) With new information and new worries? How does one get through that?! How am I supposed to ever get USED to that?
Wedding in less than 3 months. Some 20 RSVPs in already. Bachelorette this weekend. First dress fitting next weekend. Favors are in. This is all really happening. And the neck lump.
Once again, my life. Hi, hope you like it.
I love it, don't get me wrong. But not I'm pissed off at it.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. What I've learned from writing Pink and Pearls is that no matter how terrible I feel today, I WILL feel a different way tomorrow. It could be better or it could be worse. Either way, it will be different. That's all I have right now.
FOCUS: having fun this coming weekend, and our wedding. FOCUS. Not on "testing for Lymphoma" -- dirty, ugly scary words.
My life. Definitely blog-worthy, not that I ever asked it to be.