What causes my rain

I hate having to leave my phone on the full volume setting at work because I'm waiting to hear from a doctor about test results. I hate that I'm burdened by checking my phone all the time when waiting for these results. They could come at any time, at any day. They could say anything. I hate that they DO say anything at any time during any day, and that I have to duck into the bathroom at work to take these calls. I hate that I get test results over the phone DURING work.
I hate that I have nobody to be mad at for doing these tests. I could be mad at my doctor for not considering my mental state when "testing for Lymphoma" less than 3 months before my wedding. But I could also be mad at him for not taking my health seriously. And if he told me he wanted to take blood, would I really refuse? Would I really be OK with not knowing things when we could know things? Would I really be OK with just leaving the lump in my neck without any follow-up? Obviously not, which is why I got tested for LFS in the first place. BECAUSE I know I wouldn't be OK not knowing things, when this information is available. It's a blessing and a curse.
This runs my life. It's good because it runs my life and I can keep my health in check. It's bad because it runs my life and causes me extra stress and anxiety. When I'm waiting for test results I don't sleep. I cry in my car in the way to work. I have trouble thinking or planning for the days ahead. I'm waiting ... hanging on the next thing. I could tell myself: "that's no way to live" and then I could try, or practice, living differently: just LIVING and just BEING, NOT waiting on the edge of my seat every minute of every hour of every day.
I hate that I can only sleep with Ambien. I hate that I'm still in so much pain this long after my last surgery. I hate that I'm not back to "normal" yet, and I hate feeling that as soon as I AM back to "normal" and all healed up, I'm going to have my other breast removed and do this all over again. Tissue expander and all. And I HATE, most of all, that even AFTER I go through the pain - emotional, physical, mental - of having another mastectomy, and go through the tissue expander and the healing and the implant surgery and the healing, that AFTER all that, I STILL have chances of getting cancer. That's what LFS is. I can remove the body parts I can remove, hoping and praying I won't get cancer there. But you can't remove your brain and your colon and your blood and your fatty tissue.
Sorry for another depressing post, but I guess that's what 1-2 hours of sleep will do. I hate that I'm hating all these things three days before I'm about to embark on my (surprise location) bachelorette weekend with my best friends in the world.
I always feel guilty writing about and saying the things I hate, because I have so many things in my life that I love, and so many people. There's, without a doubt, more love in my life than hate, by a longshot. But I guess I can't ignore the things I hate either. Because they're there. They need to be addressed.
I almost have trouble posting this, because I feel it seems I'm not grateful for the things I do have, which I very much am. I think I'm just frustrated with the whole situation. I think I just want my life to not be filled with this stress and anxiety, because I feel I deserve more. But I guess if I really think about it, I do have more, and what I don't have, I'm making. I take control of the things I can, and change into good what I can. I think I have the strength and the power to always do that. I think that will never change. But I guess it doesn't mean I won't have my bad days. If we don't have bad days and we don't have things that make us mad, how do we learn, and how do we grow, and how do we overcome these things to become better? How do we recognize the good? How do we find the silver lining? Or, to sound less cliche, how do we find the glittered high heel in the stack of hay? (That's not right either...) How do we find our sunshine without recognizing what causes our rain?
I love Sean and Campbell. I love my family and my friends. I love the life I have, which is FULL of fun plans and parties and friends and family and love. I love that I'm getting married in a few months. I love that I had three bridal showers. I love that my bachelorette weekend is this weekend. I love that I'll be married to Sean, and that I'll have a family and a life with him. I love that Campbell will be a part of our lives for many years. I love that the people in my life love me. I love that the people in my life make me happy, every day. I love my house and my clothes and my willingness to keep going. I love how I can hate all these things, yet still recognize the good outweighs the bad, all the time, and I am literally one of the luckiest, most blessed people. I love every ounce, every grain, every inch, every morsel of my life and my world. I love how I KNOW everything will be OK, and everything turns out right in the end. I love how I know G-d is watching over me and the people I love, and he's taking care of us, and will make sure everything is exactly how it's supposed to be.
I love how no matter how little sleep I got the night before, or how badly I feel right now, I can pick myself up and feel better by the end of the day. I love how the people in my life contribute to this. I love how I know myself well enough to know what I need, and what I don't need. I love how I've learned that, yet am still learning that. I love how, despite everything I wrote in the beginning of this post, that I'll have the strength to always DO THIS.
I love how tomorrow I'll feel differently about the things I hate. They may still be there and I may still hate them, but I'll feel differently. That is a guarantee. I love how I've learned that.
Today I addressed what makes my storm, in hopes that there are sunnier days ahead.