Practice

Hi everyone,
A few things:
I know my post yesterday was really depressing. It was how I was feeling at the moment, and I just write how I feel. But it wasn't exactly me 100 percent. I'm still upset today, but have a better grasp on things, if you will, because of my appointment this morning with my psychiatrist.
So, yes, we're still waiting on the blood tests. I think it will probably be fine. Honestly.
Of course there's always the chance that it's not fine, but I think it will be. But I found out, that's not the point here, and may not even be why I'm so upset.
There's been a lot of anxiety caused by doctor's appointments and tests recently. The doctors I see are always poking and prodding and looking for something and running tests, and in turn, I am always, always ALWAYS waiting for results, which spins me into an anxiety spell, and almost forces me to shut down every time. It makes living life and going to work near impossible, and an every-day struggle to wake up and get dressed. I dread everything when I'm waiting for results. And then, when the results come back, I'm OK for a while, until the next appointment, and until the next test. It's a cycle. And there's two things I could say about it:
1. The LFS is still new to me, and I need "practice" living "this life." Lots of quotations there, but it makes sense. My psychiatrist said that the longer I go having tests and seeing them come back OK, the more I can (hopefully) get used to this. An example, on a smaller scale: you always worry about going to the dentist. Every time you go, you don't have any cavitities. This goes on for months, and then years. Every appointment, always cavity-free. So you worry less, because you see, time after time, everything is OK. I know going to the dentist and having or not having a cavity isn't exactly comparable to going to the doctor for LFS and getting tested for millions of different types of cancer. But my doctor said if I can go through all this, and learn a way to cope with the anxiety UNTIL each test comes back, and SEE that it is OK after, I can start on a new path. It could take years or I could never get there at all. Either way, essentially, I have to "practice" this - that is, going to doctor's appointments all the time, having them run tests all the time, and for the most part, having the tests come back normal. And then starting again. Part of the "practice" is me learning to DEAL (in a way that suits me best) with this new "life." I'm not sure if I will ever get used to it, or ever feel OK about it, but right now I'm still learning. I'm still "practicing."
So, instead of me saying "this is my life now," I have to say, "this is part of my life." And the parts that are unpleasant, I can practice learning how to cope with. Enter right now: running blood tests for Lymphoma for a lump in my neck that MIGHT or MIGHT NOT be a lymph node. Unpleasant. But, like the other bumps in the road, this is a bump too. And like the others, I go through them, and I'll get through this one, too. It just takes practice.
2. My psychiatrist and mother agree: unless an appointment or a test is pressing or an emergency, it can wait. Why put myself through this? I definitely need a break from doctor's appointment for my well-being and mental health. With the wedding now like 80-some days away, I literally cannot mentally handle having these appointments and then having them run tests for cancer. Like my dermatologist appointment Monday. Is that necessary?! I don't have anything for them to look at, and I just saw a dermatologist over the summer. Can I mentally handle them removing a mole (which I'm sure they will) and waiting for biopsy results to see if it's cancerous?! Honeslty, no, and I shouldn't. So I'm seriously debating rescheduling for after April. I know it's probably inevitable that I have to see my oncologist again next month, but maybe he'll push it back if my blood tests come back OK. It angers me to no end how these doctors don't seem to understand my mental state here. WHILE planning my wedding I fought breast cancer and was diagnosed with LFS, and NOW, NOW, when I CAN have one, I want a break. I want these doctors to understand while that I appreciate what they're doing, and I appreciate and am grateful for the high-risk screenings and tests and taking everything seriously, they need to consider my mental state here. I cannot handle any more tests or biopsies or ultrasounds or whatever. Not before the wedding. I wish people would take into account how MUCH I have to deal with right now. But they don't. Instead, it's test after test and waiting and more waiting, every time, to see if it's CANCER. Sorry, but no. It's not necessary. I wish I could cancel all of my appointments from now until April. But I can't. Instead, from now on, I'll ask if what the doctor is recommending is pressing and time-sensitive and a matter of life or death. If it's not, it gets pushed back. Time for me to take control. I can't live like this. It can't be good for me. I wouldn't be surprised if my "lymph node"-neck lump is in fact a lump of STRESS.
And that's all I have for today. Today I am practicing.