Yesterday I heard the song "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba on the radio, where the chorus of the song goes: "I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never gonna' keep me down." And at that very moment, after learning just the day before I carry some crazy, weird, rare genetic mutation that makes me prone to cancer, and that helps explain me getting cancer twice, I felt empowered. I'm not exactly sure what that song is about, but the chorus lyrics made me feel like, for the first time in a very, very, very long time, STRONG. I don't feel strong often, no matter how many times people tell me I am. I cry and complain and worry and whine. I yell and shout and get angry at the world. But I AM strong, despite those things. And what makes me strong isn't just that I survived cancer twice, or that I found out I may face other cancers in my lifetime, or that my family might face cancer, but that I am happy. Really, really happy. And I want to continue to BE happy. And I want to do everything I can to be happy as much as I can. But even more than that, I am happy. Right now. The happiest I've ever been in my entire life. Most of that is due to the fact that I have found, am with, and get to be with for the rest of my life, the person who makes me happy. The person I love most in this world, who makes my life better every day. And the fact that I love his family, and they love me, and that I have felt welcomed into them since I first met Sean. And the fact that my own family is phenomenal, and has provided me with unconditional support and strength. And the fact that I have the BEST friends in the entire universe. People who make me so happy, and make my life so incredibly full with fun and love and more fun and love. And the fact that despite my commute (which will become more hellish when it starts snowing), I have a job I enjoy. Sure, there are aspects of it I'm not exactly happy with (the pay, for one), but the truth of the matter is, I get to write every day, and I have never, never, for one ounce of a minute, been sick of writing. Writing is something I could do forever and be happy. And the fact that I'm planning my wedding, which is now four months and three weeks away, and the planning is fun and amazing, and I'm loving every moment of being engaged. And the fact that when the planning is over, and when the wedding is over, I have a lifetime of happiness and love to look forward to. I have a lifetime of creating a family, and living life in the fullest possible way.
This doesn't change the fact that breast cancer, and now possibly other cancers, and screening and tests, will be a part of my life forever. And getting the news about the genetic mutation on Wednesday did change my life. It devestated me. It created a cloud over my head, knowing for the rest of my life my health will be something I will be worried about. Screenings and tests and anxieties. My health will be on my mind forever. I'll have to facr huge decisions when it comes to having kids, or getting a preventive mastectomy. Huge, huge decisions most people don't have to face. Especially before the age of 30. But all that aside, I am happy. I feel cozy and comfortable, and for the first time in a long time, at absolute peace. Absolute peace despite this cloud over my head. And I'm not sure why. Because this mutation is something I can't control? Because maybe I expected it? Because I always knew, from having two cancers by the age of 26, that something wasn't right anyway, and that I was a puzzle.
So I decided two things yesterday: first, that I get knocked down, but I get up again. And second, I'm going to continue to create my happiness. And one of those ways is by getting eyelash extensions for my wedding.
Crazy? That's my idea of living life?! YES! What about sky diving or climbing Mount Everest or running a marathin? I'll get to those things, but for now, eyelash extensions are MY very own version of living happily!
I had always wanted to get eyelash extensions for the wedding. I already do (luckily) have full, long and thick eyelashes, but I wanted more eye drama for my wedding. At my eyebrow-waxing appointment last night my aesthetician, whom I ADORE, told me she was in Philadelphia for some training, since my salon will be adding a new service: eyelash extensions! Now these aren't day-of extensions. These get put in (it takes about two hours), and they last up to 3 months! I decided then and there that's what I wanted to do. Before, I would have maybe considered it, but then talked myself out of it because it seemed to crazy or unncessary, but then I thought: THIS is the time to do the crazy and unnecessary. THIS is the moment to live. I'm getting married. I want ridiculously dramatic eyelashes. Now, I'm aware most people don't think of getting eyelash extensions, or anything beauty-related, when they think of living life, but I'm not here to impress anyone. I want to live the way I want to live, and if this seems risky to me, then so be it! We all have different ideas of what is crazy and fun, and the idea of me getting eyelash extensions is MY happiness right now.
We should do what makes us happy, and now isn't the time for me to hold back. Not only am I getting married in a few months, but I am a two-time cancer survivor, and just a few days ago found out I could face cancer again. Two glasses of wine that night helped a little, but what's going to help in the long run is creating my own life, my own happiness. I already do that in a variety of ways. I believe I live life incredibly fully. I create plans with friends, maintain friendships that have lasted from a few months to my entire life, travel, host parties, try to do good in the world, continue to educate myself, let myself indulge, but also take incredibly good care of my body, work on ways to de-stress, engulf myself in things that matter to me, such as my religion, politics, and health. I work hard and give mostly everything my all. When I want to do something I do it. When I want to succeed at something I do everything in my power to. I am determined and motivated. I surround myself with the people I love and who love me, and with things that make me happy. I do what makes me happy, but I also allow myself to try new things and to be daring, and to put myself in seemingly uncomfortable situations so I can learn and experience more. I remove tocix and negative things from my life. So I will continue to life fully. And I'll continue to do things that make me happy. And I'll continue to be happy.
And I'll always, always, always ... get up again.
And now, please check out a fellow blogger, and now a friend of mine, Lainie's blog. She is a 27-year-old five-time cancer survivor with Li Fraumeni Syndrome. But she's made her life so much more than that. I cannot even begin to fathom what she has, and is going through. Despite all this, she's taken control of her life and has maintained strength and courage. Her story should help us all put our lives into perspective. Her story is one of utmost inspiration.
She's also in the process of planning her wedding, so she's a fellow bride-to-be! :)
http://lifraumenilainie.wordpress.com/
This doesn't change the fact that breast cancer, and now possibly other cancers, and screening and tests, will be a part of my life forever. And getting the news about the genetic mutation on Wednesday did change my life. It devestated me. It created a cloud over my head, knowing for the rest of my life my health will be something I will be worried about. Screenings and tests and anxieties. My health will be on my mind forever. I'll have to facr huge decisions when it comes to having kids, or getting a preventive mastectomy. Huge, huge decisions most people don't have to face. Especially before the age of 30. But all that aside, I am happy. I feel cozy and comfortable, and for the first time in a long time, at absolute peace. Absolute peace despite this cloud over my head. And I'm not sure why. Because this mutation is something I can't control? Because maybe I expected it? Because I always knew, from having two cancers by the age of 26, that something wasn't right anyway, and that I was a puzzle.
So I decided two things yesterday: first, that I get knocked down, but I get up again. And second, I'm going to continue to create my happiness. And one of those ways is by getting eyelash extensions for my wedding.
Crazy? That's my idea of living life?! YES! What about sky diving or climbing Mount Everest or running a marathin? I'll get to those things, but for now, eyelash extensions are MY very own version of living happily!
I had always wanted to get eyelash extensions for the wedding. I already do (luckily) have full, long and thick eyelashes, but I wanted more eye drama for my wedding. At my eyebrow-waxing appointment last night my aesthetician, whom I ADORE, told me she was in Philadelphia for some training, since my salon will be adding a new service: eyelash extensions! Now these aren't day-of extensions. These get put in (it takes about two hours), and they last up to 3 months! I decided then and there that's what I wanted to do. Before, I would have maybe considered it, but then talked myself out of it because it seemed to crazy or unncessary, but then I thought: THIS is the time to do the crazy and unnecessary. THIS is the moment to live. I'm getting married. I want ridiculously dramatic eyelashes. Now, I'm aware most people don't think of getting eyelash extensions, or anything beauty-related, when they think of living life, but I'm not here to impress anyone. I want to live the way I want to live, and if this seems risky to me, then so be it! We all have different ideas of what is crazy and fun, and the idea of me getting eyelash extensions is MY happiness right now.
We should do what makes us happy, and now isn't the time for me to hold back. Not only am I getting married in a few months, but I am a two-time cancer survivor, and just a few days ago found out I could face cancer again. Two glasses of wine that night helped a little, but what's going to help in the long run is creating my own life, my own happiness. I already do that in a variety of ways. I believe I live life incredibly fully. I create plans with friends, maintain friendships that have lasted from a few months to my entire life, travel, host parties, try to do good in the world, continue to educate myself, let myself indulge, but also take incredibly good care of my body, work on ways to de-stress, engulf myself in things that matter to me, such as my religion, politics, and health. I work hard and give mostly everything my all. When I want to do something I do it. When I want to succeed at something I do everything in my power to. I am determined and motivated. I surround myself with the people I love and who love me, and with things that make me happy. I do what makes me happy, but I also allow myself to try new things and to be daring, and to put myself in seemingly uncomfortable situations so I can learn and experience more. I remove tocix and negative things from my life. So I will continue to life fully. And I'll continue to do things that make me happy. And I'll continue to be happy.
And I'll always, always, always ... get up again.
And now, please check out a fellow blogger, and now a friend of mine, Lainie's blog. She is a 27-year-old five-time cancer survivor with Li Fraumeni Syndrome. But she's made her life so much more than that. I cannot even begin to fathom what she has, and is going through. Despite all this, she's taken control of her life and has maintained strength and courage. Her story should help us all put our lives into perspective. Her story is one of utmost inspiration.
She's also in the process of planning her wedding, so she's a fellow bride-to-be! :)
http://lifraumenilainie.wordpress.com/
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